Young Writers Society

I wrote this as a school assignment when we read "The Revealers" a few years ago in English. It is sort of childish but I think its okay. Don't go easy on the crits, because it needs it.



I followed Rakanja home
The night I saved his life.
I meant him no harm, truly
Ask anyone.
I go to his school;
It’s called Onondaga Junior High,
But we all call it the hell hole.
Rakanja Lehkmul is one of those kids.
The kids who get beat up
Because they’re too fat
Too thin
Too smart
Too different.
Rakanja is from Africa,
Not sure where,
Maybe Ethiopia or Sudan?
There’s this one guy,
Davie Turner,
Who thinks its okay
To beat someone up
Because they speak Amharic
Or whatever.
Davie had Rakanja crying,
Cowered up against a dumpster,
Sweating a cold sweat
And panic-stricken.
Davie was relentless,
His gray eyes flashing
in the glow of a flickering street lamp
Wolfish and serpentine
All at once.
“Please!” Rakanja cried,
In his accented English,
Eyes wet with tears,
Lips wet with blood.
“Sorry, Sorry!” He switched languages,
But I knew what he said.
Rakanja was saying,
“”Why are you doing this to me?
What did I do
To deserve this?”
Davie hissed venomous words
At his prey,
Graceless and savage and unfeeling.
I pulled Davie away,
My heart thumping
Just as hard as Rakanja’s.
“Go home, Davie,” I said.
“And leave Rakanja alone.”
I picked Rakanja up off the pavement.
He watched me with gracious eyes,
Saying, “Thank you, Anna, thank you.”
Even though he did not know the words.
I walked him home,
And sat with him long into the night,
Cleaning his wounds
And whispering words fo comfort.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.
Davie’s gone."[/i]

Whoa, this was very emotional, but good. Your theme is brilliant and addresses racism well. I like your style, the poem feels alert and very active. I really enjoyed this, if I had to make a suggestion I would say make the lines have equal numbers of syllables but that's not really essential.

It wasn't so much about racism as about different-ism, no?

This sounded a little too much like Stone Soup. As in, a little too obvious about the message. I thought it might've made a nice story, but it was too moral-centered. Here I've crossed out lines that could go away or be rephrased to make it less so:

I followed Rakanja home
The night I saved his life.
[s]I meant him no harm, truly
Ask anyone. [/s]
I go to his school;
It’s called Onondaga Junior High,
But we all call it the hell hole.
Rakanja Lehkmul is one of those kids.
The kids who get beat up
Because they’re too fat
Too thin
Too smart
[s]Too different.[/s]
Rakanja is from Africa,
Not sure where,
Maybe Ethiopia or Sudan?
There’s this one guy,
Davie Turner,
Who thinks its okay
To beat someone up
Because they speak Amharic
Or whatever.
Davie had Rakanja crying,
[s]Cowered [/s]up against a dumpster,
Sweating a cold sweat
[s]And panic-stricken. [/s]
Davie was relentless,
His gray eyes flashing
in the glow of a flickering street lamp
[s]Wolfish and serpentine
All at once. [/s]
“Please!” Rakanja cried,
In his accented English,
[s]Eyes wet with tears,
Lips wet with blood. [/s]
“Sorry, Sorry!” He switched languages,
But I knew what he said.
Rakanja was saying,
“”Why are you doing this to me?
What did I do
To deserve this?”
[s]Davie hissed venomous words
At his prey,
Graceless and savage and unfeeling. [/s]
I pulled Davie away,
My heart thumping
Just as hard as Rakanja’s.
“Go home, Davie,” I said.
[s]“And leave Rakanja alone.” [/s]
I picked Rakanja up off the pavement.
[s]He watched me with gracious eyes,
Saying, “Thank you, Anna, thank you.”
Even though he did not know the words. [/s]
I walked him home,
[s]And sat with him long into the night,
Cleaning his wounds
And whispering words fo comfort.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.
Davie’s gone."[/s]

“Sorry, Sorry!” He switched languages,
But I knew what he said.
Rakanja was saying,
“”Why are you doing this to me?
What did I do
To deserve this?”

How does the speaker know what Rakanja is saying? Literally does the narrator know the language? Or is she taking a stab at it?

I'm not familiar with The Revealers. What is it about?

I kind of liked the narrator's voice. It could definitely be developed. Here's an example of a place I think the voice is really nice:

Rakanja is from Africa,
Not sure where,
Maybe Ethiopia or Sudan?
There’s this one guy,
Davie Turner,
Who thinks its okay
To beat someone up
Because they speak Amharic
Or whatever.

Here it really feels like the narrator is speaking to the reader. "Oh, I'm not sure where he's from. And then there's this guy Davie who's a real bastard." The part where the narrator admits she doesn't know where he's from shows the reader that the narrator doesn't really know the guy, and admits a fault in that she doesn't know him. That was very effective.

I think perhaps you demonized Davie too much. Wolfish? Serpentine? Hissing at his prey? Really. I crossed those parts out.

Colleen

Very interesting. I liked the dialog you put in. It could use some spelling edits but otherwise I found this very affective. Good job.

Keep at it!
-Rieda

Riedawriter23 wrote:Very interesting. I liked the dialog you put in. It could use some spelling edits but otherwise I found this very affective. Good job.

This poem has spelling errors? What? I didn't see any and I'm usually pretty good at that.

Whoa, speaking of spelling errors, Rieda. Effective. With an e.

Oh, wait, third to last line. Words of comfort, not words fo comfort. But really, that's all.

Colleen

The Revealers is a book for younger kids, I read it as an English assignment in sixth or seventh grade. It's about these three kids who are picked on for different reasons, and they decide to get the message of bullying out to the rest of the school. They start a newsletter and they each write their own story in it, and gradually other kids from the school send theirs in too. It has a good message, but I think everyone here is pretty much too old for it. I only found this poem because I was going through my old school stuff, and I thought it was pretty good.