Young Writers Society

I have killed in my life.
I've seen murder and I've grown to accept it.
My eye's are stained by the wounds of other men.

Am I a monster,
A felon,
A foe.

Or?

Am I a hero,
Gallant and brave,

Or just another man,
The product of a brutal system.

That was very short and I hope there is more to this poem. It seems like a great piece of work, but it's REALLY short.

I liked the theme behind it, but it was too short and structureless for my taste. BUT, I'm nuts about structure, so that does not mean its bad. But I think you could expand on the general idea. As I always seem to say, bring your reader in. Show him killing, murdering, etc. Then show how he is a hero. You are asking questions, and giving no evidence to why you would ask the questions, it leaves room for boredom. People read poetry (usually) to have something to relate to, to be touched, to have a feeling or emotion they can 'come away with'. I liked the topic, "Product of a brutal system" but you need to go deeper into things. Make US question what you are, and why. Do you see what I'm saying?

Make us ask ourselves, are we the good guy, or the bad guy? Then, it will be even better.

Hope this helped.

I agree. You should say that you heard bullets flying past you and explosions detonating etc.

Keep up the good work!

It was really short.

There was no structure, at all. Furthermore, all it seemed like it was a random collection of words surrounding a theme.

I think if you worked more on diction and meter, as well as form, this poem has a lot of promise. I recommend you read some of hte poetry by the other more expeirienced writers on here. I suggest Jiggity, Incandescence, myself (Sabradan), and a few others for examples. Also, Incan (Incandescence) has a really nice "how to write poetry" article that you could read to better understand what I'm talking about.

Right now, you're telling me something with random words. I want to be able to see, feel, smell, touch and taste what you're saying. I want more than just a simple statement--I want vivid visualizations--afterall, that is the heart of poetry.

For example, when you say:
"I have killed in my life.
I've seen murder and I've grown to accept it.
My eye's are stained by the wounds of other men"
Perhaps say something more along the lines of:
"I have killed in my life.
I have taken away the one gift men can't give--life.
I have destroyed a child of God.
I have seen ... (then list things on a battlefield, but remember, diction is important) and have grown to accept it.
I am a trained killer, a weapon.
My eyes are strained, and have mourned, hte sights of what was once a freind, a brother become nothing more than a pile of mangled bone and flesh"

Or something similar. Basically, remember: visulazation is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT element of poetry. After that, is diction. Followed by that is meter and form. I put those last, because when you get better, and know what you're doing you can say "Screw it" and leave it by the wayside for the sake of art, and still have a halfway decent poem. However, you need to KNOW hte rules first, before you can break them properly.

Saying this poem is short is stating the obvious. Short does not equal bad, though. I feel, though, that you could've fit so much more in here. Yes, it needs to be expanded, but more in terms of quality than quantity.
As others have said, showing more would do this poem good. You don't necessarily need to show killing on the battlefield to demonstrate the phrase "I have killed in my life." Actually, I think that phrase could stay. Some feelings need to be demonstrated here, though, so that the reader knows how the speaker feels about killing, whether he considers it murder or not. There's a big difference between saying, "I am sad," and having tears running down your face while you sob in a corner. The latter, of course, shows so much more.

My [s]eye's[/s]eyes are stained by the wounds of other men.

I liked this phrase. It's unique, kind of intriguing. If you show more battlefield scenes, as others have suggested (it's a good idea!) remember to keep it original. There are plenty of cliche phrases and images used to describe war, and they will do bad things to your poem.

Also, I'd change the punctuation around like this:

Am I a monster,
A felon,
A foe?

Or:

Am I a hero,
Gallant and brave?

Or just another man,
The product of a brutal system?

Good start, go on it!
Colleen

I liked the way the soldier was questioning who he was and the way you presented the reader with two conflicting ideas, portraying soldiers first as mindless killers and then as courageous heroes . The poem's theme is good, but I definitely agree with the previous critiques- this would be a much stronger poem with some imagery to support that theme. Show, don't tell. Put yourself in the soldier's place. He would have seen and experienced terrible, disturbing things. Every detail would be fresh and vivid in his mind. Rather than simply thinking about the fact that he'd killed, don't you think he'd be haunted by images of who he killed? Put the reader in the moment- make them see the mangled corpses, smell the rotting flesh, hear the whistling bullets and agonized screams. This is infinitely more effective than simply coming out and saying "I have killed in my life." It stirs emotion in the reader.
I think this piece has a lot of potential; expand on it and add some imagery and it could be very powerful.