Young Writers Society

It's a short sweet poem that even Sureal will appreciate. I like my repitition and the ABAB form throughout the entire poem... it ended up being a very short poem, but a poem nontheless... I hope you all like it... In a sadistic way.


The artisan just died today.
Found face-down in the bed.
They don't know what to say,
He took a bullet to the head

The artisan died yesterday.
What did this man so dread?
Ask the people, they will say,
"This man just would not wed."

The murderer confessed today,
She was haunted by the dead.
Cried, "I killed the artisan that day
and, with poison in his soup, he fed."

The rumor went around today,
"Woman's out of her crazy head,
The artisan wasn't poisoned that day,
She put a bullet in his head!"

Well, I certainly did like it. Not sure why I warranted a special mention in the intro, but what the hey .

I like the structure you used, the iambic rhymtm gives a sense of speech which suits the piece, and the short lines give a sense of movement and passing of time, fitting the story. And as a final plus, your rhyming doesn't feel forced .


I'd like to be able to offer a suggestion on how to improve, but I'm no good at critting poetry (which is why I never do so), so I'm afraid I'm no good here, apart from boosting your ego . I'll leave that stuff in the capable hands of others.

Ooh, very creepy, very enjoyable. The one thing I don't get...did the woman kill him? Is she crazy? Or is she pretending? What?

...I feel like this is something extremely obvious and I'm just not getting it right now. I hope to come back and read this and say, "A-HA!" Right now I'm just confused, but able to enjoy it for what it is. Very well-constructed, especially, and with a good story.

I don't know what to say,

That "I" seems to personal. The speaker is identified only one time in the poem? It was really out of place. Perhaps: "They don't know what to say."

Colleen

Heh, alrighty... I was just thinking about that...
I found one line in the poem which I meant to change but as I was editing the computer crashed and that was all I had left...

Basically, you should get the idea he wouldn't marry her, and she went crazy about it... did she kill him though... or did the village idiot kill him?

You'll never know!!! OooOOoooOOOooo!!!

*throttles Elizabeth* Why do you keep me guessing?!

Mwahaha, I likes it with all its shiver-inducing creepiness.

Another question: What is the significance of his occupation: artisan?

... Generally anything...

I mean, usually when you're doing something artsy, may it be writing, painting, sculpting, or training lions, you get caught up in it... and sometimes tend to tune things out...

He tuned her out.

Get it? Got it? Good.

I suppose anyone who's passionate about his work will get caught up in it, lion-trainer or not.

Hmm...very interesting. I've always found poems written like this to be particularly appealing. Right to the point. I like it.