Young Writers Society

Do I really suffer?
You say I do,
But I have ceased to feel.
Your sheet of tears hides my face and distorts my view.

Do you think it
Sad
That you can feel
What I cannot?

I do not envy you
For I cannot envy
Anymore.
I am a
Living
Breathing
Shell of a person.
But I don't suffer.
For I know not how.

Do you wish to give me life?
Even if I could regain feeling
In my numb limbs,
Would I wish it?

You know I cannot answer that,
Yet still you wait in expectation.
It is known I cannot answer that,
Yet time freezes for me,
Waits with bated breath for my answer.

Your face glistens with tears
And your cursed curtain
Descends over my eyes.
I gulp back my own sobs
And give you my answer.

I like the rhythm to this, and it had a simple clarity, not cloulded by too many metaphors and similes...but

I am a
Living
Breathing
Shell of a person.
But I don't suffer.
For I know not how.


was kind of cliched.

yeah, i liked the simplicity, but i too thought it was a bit cliched on the whole. Also, the rhythm is sort of disrupted in the second half. you start of with short, simple lines, often one word, and then move to a more complicated rhythm. the whole thing was pretty simple, but it feels disjointed if you drastically change your line structures.
overall, nice idea, the execution needs a little work though.

I liked the feel of this:

I am a
Living
Breathing
Shell of a person.

It just sounded good to me structured that way. Not bad, overall. Keep writing.

really good. Love the last couple of stanzas. I think it needs a few more images, though.

I thought this was really, really good. Beautiful, even. However, I thought your beginning and your middle were really strong, but the end didn't really live up to the expectation we got throughout the entire poem, you know what I mean? I think if you just go over it and jazz up the ending some more, it could be really, really cool.

Simple solid, very pretty............sheesh it's hard to give it a constructive criticism. I can see bits that need to be tweaked but i'm pretty sure you'll find them and mould them because you seem like a very competent writer. Ooo but I know at the end didn't like the word sobs I dunno it didn't fit in as a word for me. Made me think of soap. Anyway apart from that great stuff.

This is so beutiful, I love it. It flowed wonderfully. It was a little bumpy at some parts but the rest of it flowed great. I love it!!!