Young Writers Society

She looks at the photos
Her fingers trace over his face
Fighting back tears, she sigh
Times change and it seems like yesterday
The man she loved just walked away

Nothing can ease the pain that in her heart
no warm words
no hugs
no friends
She doesn't feel to get out
She just want to go to bed and lay her head to rest

She looks around the room
He's everywhere, the things he touched even the favorite cologne he wears is still in the air
She thinks of the bed
Oh God the bed
Lot of memories there, she don't want to sleep there
Much less be in the room
Its too much for her she feels like she is going to break apart, she is going to tear

How could he do this to me, she yells
A headache is forming
She reach out to grip a chair
She sits down and close her eyes and count from 1 to 10
Never again will she love another man
A man who didn't care

She finally get up again
looking at the photos, furniture, paper that are scattered all over the floor
She feels ill, she cant go through those right now, maybe not ever, maybe another day
For today, she will have to rest, get her strenght
Then call the man she loves, now hate to collect his things and get out of her life, out of her face.

Thinking of him with that woman again makes her stomach turns
Thanking God, he held her back, because she knew her rage will get out of control, to the point it burn.

She climbs the stairs and enter the room that have been her nightmare cocoon
Where she caught her man and the woman doing their 'thing' in her bed
The time that was around noon
They didn't hear her come in because the music was so loud
who would?
She block the event she don't want to remember
She grab her gown, pillow and sheet and sleeps in the living room, in the big cozy sofa

Morning arises
The door bell rings
She goes to answer it
The expression on her face become grim
As the bastard walks in
Asking where is his things
She says to the right
And tell him to hurry with it because she have important things to do
One by one he takes boxes to his car
loading it into the trunk and the back of the car
When he was through
He looks at her, emotionless saying 'OK then I'm done, I'm gone for good'
She smiles as she holds the door and she say 'that's great for now
I can move on and get my life together the way it should'
He says 'your life, it was nothing but dull'
She says 'it was dull because of you'
He ask ' now I'm out of your life what you going do there is no one out there for you'
She says 'there is someone out there for me, who waiting and I am sure he is nothing like you'
She slams the door in his face, now feeling good
She breathed as sign of relief, she handled that quite well, now she feels better
now the door to the relationship is closed, and her heart is closed a well for now but the pain remains
but that wont let her not enjoy life
This just the beginning not the end.

A long poem. I thought it was more of a story though. I dont think you have hit the nail on the head here, I didnt like it. It was short on imagery yet still lengthy and boring.

long winded, boring. i didn't like it.

there was lack of imagery, which a poem needs. like Phorcys said, its very much like a story.

and even as a story this doesn't work. it repeats "she" over and over, and needs more variety.

and punctuating would be a great start. thought i'd mention that before someone else does. it needs punctuation to dictate how you want the reader to read it.

overall, not a good poem.

I didn't put a lot of effort into reading it.

Poetry is not just verses that sentences are in. Poems have to have structure. Rhythm, common stanza pattern, anything. They have to have structure.

Your stanzas are never the same number of lines, and then the last part has really long lines. This...isn't what poetry should look like.

Thanking God,
he held her back,
because she knew
her rage will get
out of control,
to the point it burn.

See? This is sort of better. I'm not exactly sure what advice I can give you.

Read poetry. Thats all I can say, read poetry. Oh, and you need to use punctuation. I have an article over in writing tips entitled "Poetry & Punctuation" that might help you; I'd link you to it but being on a dial up connect right now doesn't make looking for links easy.

I liked the first stanza...and the second....but after that you sort of lost the point. Well, you more lost the poetry and threw in a rhyme just for the hell of it, it seems to me.

You can have a free verse, so long as you have a rhythm. Like, the first two verses were semi-free semi-rhymed...but they work. The rest of the poem though, loses that appeal and you just add line on line on line with massive amounts of syllables.

So...just fix it a bit hon, well...alot, and read other poems, how they keep the same stanza length, same syllable and or rhyming pattern etc, and rewrite this.

~Chibi

I think this would make a wonderful short story!

As a poem, though, I think it's a bit too long, and didn't really hold my attention. I'd like it more if you used some sort of pattern for your syllables, made more even stanzas, and tried to compress this a bit.

Good luck!