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Sun Dec 24, 2006 4:25 pm
Cade says...



"Let me in," the Teacher said,
and knocked upon the door.
The Man jumped quickly out of bed
and stomped across the floor.

The Teacher held his ink and pen,
his paper and his sack.
"Let me in!" he called again.
Then, he heard the Man call back.

"Let you in?" the Man cried out,
his hand upon the lock.
"You'll teach me nothing but to doubt!
On someone else's door go knock!"

The Teacher, freezing in the cold,
begged the Man again,
"These stories must be told,"
he said, "Not ignored by men."

"Leave me be," the Man replied,
trudging back to bed.
The Teacher, left alone outside,
moved on with weary tread.

And so it went, from door to door,
with angry, lazy men,
who would refuse and then ignore
the Teacher and his pen.

The Teacher stopped, fell in the snow,
he couldn't move at all.
He died there, waiting, long ago,
for one to answer his call.
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Sun Dec 24, 2006 5:24 pm
Emerson says...



Oh, that was a good read :-) The story, and the moral, and the rhyming, all that niceness.

The only thing that could be improved on is rhythm, which will make the poem read better.

"The Teacher held his ink and pen, (8 syllables)
his paper and his sack. (6 syllables)
"Let me in!" he called again.(7 syllables)
Then, he heard the Man call back." (7 syllables)

A good way to improve your writing is to make the rhyming lines the same number of syllables. Sometimes this is very hard, but its worth while! Once you got a grip around this, the poem will be at its best.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
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Sun Dec 24, 2006 5:33 pm
piepiemann22 says...



I enjoied it. You wrote it well. you seemed to put a lot of thought into this piece. It was also nice the way you made it ryme. thats hard to do.
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Sun Feb 04, 2007 5:00 am
3-Damentional says...



I think the rhythym was perfect. It made me think about the old lady in the shoe. If the Man was replaced by a child or something, I would have gotten it sooner. I will leave it be as a good piece.
The imagintion is only your mind trying to set itself free.
  





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Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:05 pm
Fireweed says...



That was... depressing.

But good.

I was a little confused by the first stanzas, but as I kept reading it made sense.

Sorry I can't be more constructive.
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs
  





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Sun Feb 04, 2007 10:48 pm
BFG says...



I like it. I particularly like the traditional rhyme scheme (everyone always wants to be "different", but it's not like there's not a infinite amount of poems left to be written in the classic styles) and its flow was great. The only bit where I noticed it going a little awry was in the last stanza... the syllables or accents or something was throwing off the rhythm there. I'd work on that. Otherwise, another beauty.
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 3:10 am
mandylynn16 says...



interesting poem.


couldn't really understand what it was about



but i guess it was sorta clear



in a odd sort of way
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:44 pm
CK Lynn says...



Your poem was vvaarryyy strange. Are only men lazy? Please fix your ending. This one doesn't fit. This was a strange poem.
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:31 pm
Snoink says...



Yay! I actually liked this poem! It's pretty and ironic and I like it!

Okay. Some things:

The Teacher held his ink and pen,
his paper and his sack.
"Let me in!" he called again.
Then, he heard the Man call back.


I would put a colon after "back" instead of the period.

"Let you in?" the Man cried out,
his hand upon the lock.
"You'll teach me nothing but to doubt!
On someone else's door go knock!"


This stanza is just very very awkward. I think it's the man's dialogue. It sounds weird.

The Teacher, freezing in the cold,
begged the Man again,
"These stories must be told,"
he said, "Not ignored by men."


Instead of "men" I would put "man" which indicates more of "mankind." So it would be more gender-friendly. And again, the dialogue sounds strange.

"Leave me be," the Man replied,
trudging back to bed.
The Teacher, left alone outside,
moved on with weary tread.


I don't know... the last line sounds a little weird. I don't think "tread" is the right word. Fish around a bit more.

And so it went, from door to door,
with angry, lazy men,
who would refuse and then ignore
the Teacher and his pen.


I think I would do without this stanza, if only because it doesn't pack much of a punch and DUDE. The last stanza is what carries the punch. So yeah.

The Teacher stopped, fell in the snow,
he couldn't move at all.
He died there, waiting, long ago,
for one to answer his call.


I like the idea a lot and I think it can edited to be prettier.

What is important to me:
  • He fell.
  • He's helpless.
  • He died.
  • His mission failed.

What ISN'T important to me:
  • He stopped.
  • He couldn't move.
  • He waited for someone to answer his call.


So yeah. I hope this critique helps! But the poem DEFINITELY shows promise. I love the irony at the end, and the whole thing, save for certain parts, have a nice flow. :D

And... another thing. I hate the title. It's not catchy or anything. So tweak it or something so it's pretty.

Um... ideas?

The Teacher in the Snow

I don't know. You probably can think of something prettier. But titles are important too! You want to catch your reader straight off. :D

Edit it and make it pretty! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:45 pm
Cade says...



I hate the title too. Unfortunately, "Teacher in the Snow" makes me think of this poem that my friend wrote about a chorus song with violins in the snow...

Snoink wrote:
The Teacher, freezing in the cold,
begged the Man again,
"These stories must be told,"
he said, "Not ignored by men."


Instead of "men" I would put "man" which indicates more of "mankind." So it would be more gender-friendly. And again, the dialogue sounds strange.

Hmm, I always thought that "men" could work too. No, I'm not trying to degrade females, I am one, and I'm not religiously brainwashed to think I'm a lesser form of being or anything. I'm not trying to say that just men are lazy, either, CK Lynn. I guess it just worked better than "people".
"Again" and "man" don't rhyme, though. Should I place more importance on preserving that rhyme or on gender-friendliness?

I do really like that idea of the colon after "back". Yes, and all those other things.

Thanks so much!
Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:14 am
Snoink says...



The words "man" and "again" are similar enough for the rhyme to work. ^_^

And don't worry! You'll come up with a neato title soon, I'm sure... ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Tue Feb 06, 2007 10:07 am
Chibi says...



I like it! I like it alot considering that I -loathe- ignorance. And, sadly enough, it's true in today's society. We're forced to go to school, to learn and the like, but if we were given the choice, most people would refuse the opportunity to learn. *sigh* it's a sad sad world.

Oh, and a suggestion for the poem title? 'Denied understanding' would work...I think, if you go for the whole cryptic thing ^_^

I <3 it, I think I'm going to steal it, and put it in my poem repetoir, acknowledging you of course, but it's still stolen. ^_~

~Chibi
I speak with abscences, my lips move but no sound escapes; my life is but an eternal darkness searching for it's light.
  





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Tue Feb 06, 2007 4:05 pm
Cade says...



Snoink wrote:The words "man" and "again" are similar enough for the rhyme to work. ^_^

I'm all for slant rhyme, but those two seemed a little too far apart. I'll think about that.

Colly :D
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:03 am
Incandescence says...



Colleen -


This has some good material, but I come away with the feeling it's overwritten.

Good concept though. It reminded me of driving across Texas on the 59, going East from Lufkin, heading toward Elkhart--this stretch of land inhabited by folklore and animals.

It's worth an edit.


Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
  








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