Young Writers Society

It's when the hour work fails,
the seizure takes place
Our loss of footmark in time

A station where all events
park their dates
Busy schedules,
jam sessions in sight,
velocity degenerates

Damages caused
through forced exits
Behind us lies
our defect chronology

Time can't escape
the captivated measures,
ensnared for keeps

But when gates unlock,
both speed and order
decline through time

For time redeems its freedom,
escapes our settlement,
departs the future,
resolves the past
and entitles the present

Overall, I thought this was pretty good. However, you could have used punctuation more effectively. Right now it seems that commas are just in random places, and there's a random semicolon where I don't think there should be one. Use punctuation marks to your advantage. Let them separate the ideas in a way that makes sense.

On a postive note, I liked the image of the traffic jam in the second stanza. Keep it up!

The thing that bothered me right away about this piece was the capitalization at the beginning of each line. It doesn't make sense, especially for phrases that go from one line to another, like "A station where all events park their dates". I'm not entirely sure what that means, by the way, but I get the general feeling of that...the tone is great.
Yes, niteowl is right, this definitely needs more punctuation to clarify some meanings. I'd probably punctuate it/capitalize things like this (my additions/changes are in red):

It's when the hour work fails,
the seizure takes place.
Our loss of footmark in time.

A station where all events
park their dates.
Busy schedules,
jam sessions in sight,
velocity degenerates.

Damages caused
through forced exits.
Behind us lies
our defect chronology.

Time can't escape
the captivated measures,
ensnared for keeps.

But when gates unlock,
both speed and order
decline through time.

For time redeems its freedom,
escapes our settlement,
departs the future,
resolves the past,
and entitles the present.

Obviously, you as the poet would have much more authority in deciding where the heck you want to put periods and change capitalization, so I leave this poem in your wise and able hands.

Colleen

Aha, thnx a bunch for that Cadmium, the thing is my handwritten version isn't capitalized like that lol. I was in a hurry posting this and since Word capitalizes every line for you, I posted it like that too But thnx for doing the odd job for me, I very much appreciate it

As for me the punctuation etc. comes at last. It's more about the essence and since you guys haven't had much to say about the poem as a whole (which to me sounds as good thing) Why not hit forward on the punctuation! I'm editing now

Very much Regards to you all, Chandni

Don't forget to end sentence in periods you seem to have a lack of those.

The lines don't have much rhythm and feel choppy. I'm not sure what I would suggest you should do... I see no pattern in your stanzas (3,5,4,3,3,5, I believe) and creating patterns in your writing helps to maintain organization.

Patterns can come from the stanzas, rhyme schemes, or sometimes making lines a certain amount of syllable. The lack of punctuations make the sentences (where I guess them to be) rather helter skelter and senseless. (I wanted to use the word helter skelter ) and I think it could have more sense and meaning.

Sorry, I feel like that wasn't very helpful at all >< oh well, I tried!

I love this poem! I think if you added more rythm to it, it would be easier to read for the reader and istantly become more popular. But I don't have any suggestions on how to do that, as I'm not a very experienced writer yet

But overall your work is amazing!