Young Writers Society

Lumidarling -- I struggled, I admit it, so if this makes no sense then please disregard it as a lost cause! Apologies for the lack of elegance and conviction, but I find your poetry very hard to review.

1. Imagery

Ohgodwheretobegin?
It seems like there are more than a couple of themes/images in this poem:

• Illness/hospitals -- the "hospital-bedside" similie, references to medication, allusions to dementia and a therapy ward.
• Driving -- the sixteen miles, turns in the road, travelling (possibly a metaphor for life).
• Nothingness -- zeros, forgetting, aimlessness.
• Magnetism? -- attraction, metallic, razors.

In my opinion, I'm not really sure where the metal/magnetism bit fits in with the rest of the poem. I can see that it's building on the other parts, but it doesn't really work for me. Perhaps it's because it stretches the poem in a different direction, but I think it weakens rather than reinforces the ideas of this poem, and even when I read back over it I'm not sure what it actually *adds*. Perhaps I'm being foolish and you can tell me?

2. Message

You have lovely expression in your word choice and stanza structure -- the narrative feels real and human, and the metaphors are strong and powerful. But, again perhaps this is my lack of poetic mind, but I'm not sure of the message this poem is expressing.

Of course, poetry doesn't have to have a greater message or meaning, but it feels like there's almost one here. I'm a little confused in your final stanza where "one turn past sixteen" is where "you can rest again" whereas in the previous stanza it is "the panic" that catches after sixteen miles. And, also, saying "we must never feel aimless" but driving around with no destination feels like it's almost saying something, but I can't make the final connection. Am I reading too much into it or not enough?

While we're at this, I'm going to be a cruel reviewer and suggest you scrap the 6th and 7th stanzas entirely. Not only did I not understand them at all, but I don't think anything would be lost from the poem if you took them away. If you have good reason to keep them then perhaps that reasoning could be accented and/or made more obvious for the benefit of readers like myself? Your call, as always, Lumi.

3. Good poetry

Your first and last stanzas are the strongest by far, which is how it should be. I love the hospital-bedsidee image of the first, and the "August's lips" of the final one. In between the stanzas have weaker imagery, but a stronger voice -- and I'm not entirely sure how well this works. As I said in the last section, it's all engaging and powerful stuff if you discount the 6th and 7th stanzas, but I just don't understand it. The words are well chosen and you have a lovely sense of voice. But I'm afraid it lacks, for me, a direction and/or "oh, I see" moment that gratifies the reader in many other poems. Again, this is one opinion -- I have dutifully, as you asked, refrained from reading the other reviews, so you can tell me if I'm agreeing with the others or bucking the trend.

Overall

Goodness, Lumi -- I've never felt so out of my depth. You have all the skills and techniques required to write great poetry, and the tone and the subjects too. I feel this one is a little confused though, but perhaps that's how you intended it. If so, then please make it appear more deliberate, and if not then perhaps see what you can do to find it. I hope some of this has been useful to you, Lumi! Take care!


Charlie

Lumichu, those last two stanza's made this. Absolutely made this.

I was skeptical as I usually am with most prose-like pieces. It came across as being very... telly and it did not really appeal to the all the senses as I'm sure it, or you could have. Of course, as I read into it a little more, I changed my mind about the metaphor. This feels like allegory. That girl feels like a personified emotion.

I may be reading too closely into this but I don't think you were simply trying to tell a story with this one. I could be wrong. I know I've been on multiple occasions, but this feels far too close to giving a voice to what cannot be understood without. Giving a face to what we fear in ourselves. I see this as a way of conveying something in which you do not really want to simply speak. That writing it out like a diary entry would not fulfill you or anyone around you, for that matter. And this could either be a simple, basic poem or pure, utter genius.

I think that's why you confuse me so much. This open-ended way in which you take and you give without the slightest inkling of how its going to be read. Its so basic and aesthetically plain that anything could sprout if the reader gives themselves the chance or the heart to let it.

I remember you telling me that you love songs with simple lyrics. I must say that I agree.

That being said, I'm so stunned on this one. So stumped. As a short story, this would be beautiful, but not in the way that this poem is. Just like the Ronson Kiss. You narrate and balance on the invisible line of poetry and prose that I don't really know what to grasp. And if I'm even grasping at anything at all.

So I'm going to have to disagree with Mustard simply because I don't believe this to be tell-tell-tell.

On the line of diction, I will say that there is a level of disappointment that did arise. Not particularly still there after finishing those last two stanza's per say, but I had hoped you would take on that rather intimate voice in which you used with the Ronson Kiss. This voice is stronger. It tells a tale with a bit more confidence and a little less illusions. Simply speaking, you are addressing rather than flitting around aimlessly, and there is something to be said about that.

Now, I want to digress towards those last two stanza's. In fact, I would like to speak on why they astounded me so, so I hope you don't mind how rantish I've been getting.

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for the past couple years and when I read those lines, I choked. They were more familiar to me than I could ever possibly admit. You captured that, whether or not as a story or as a personified ideology. You captured it to a tee. The running and the inevitable catch. The way that its okay as long as there's a chance to run again, and its an endless, wicked cycle between the heart and the pain, wondering if the two should ever rest as one and if one whole could handle always crashing and reviving. It makes that lump rise in my throat.

Whether or not the greater portion of this poem was telly or not, you made something truly respectable in my books. I'm sorry I could not have been of more usage on this one. I'm truly astounded.

~Walker

I love this poem because it's very touching and personal. Your use of similes and symbolism is flawless and it was like I could actually picture the journey. Great poem!!