Young Writers Society

I got up without a heart beat
But I remember being in my blacked out jeep
As i was waiting on a traffic light when i got approached by a car thief
He pulled me out but didn't ask for no car keys
A white light and a loud noise without no voice
thinking to myself man this is not fair
I can't tell you where I'm at or how the hell I got here
Surrounded by all white, i’m guessing it was just cloudy
Guided by a couple of people who knew everything about me
All of them were so strong, As they kept whispering ‘hold on’
but I’m Feeling like my souls gone
As i see myself naked with no clothes on
I know this can’t be it, i scream WAIT!
As they drop me in front of a golden gate
but they left with no trace.
I can see my every breath i take, like a cold December’s day
As i stand before a man with no face
he said to me...

GOD: Please don't make this any harder...

Me: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

God: My child, I'm your father...

Me: WHAT? I only had one dad!

GOD: Is that a fact to you? I took him back when you was young
Explain yourself today and i can bring him back to you
Listen Your very close to heaven, not many get to step in
Now tell me, what have you done to deserve to be let in?

ME: Look I'm far from a good Muslim, Never was really big on religion
But i aint done too much wrong my entire time living
Never killed, i never tried too, even though I been lied to
i Was once suicidal
Hardly read the Quran and I’ve never read the bible
I guess i was always been a good care taker, I always tried to nurse people
At times it back fired but i would always hurt people that would hurt people
Plus I’ve never used your name in vain
But since your GOD, Shouldn’t you already know what i’m trying to explain?

GOD: I know you stole from your mother’s purse

ME: Come on, You can't count that, that was way back then

GOD: It’s still a strong sin

ME: But I was only ten!

GOD: Fine, but why were you tempted to sell drugs for a cartel?

ME: I never did, but you still made me see a day in jail

GOD: But I’ve also seen you take out your frustration on a female
Yeah you never hit her but you would always make her cry, that was not needed
Abandoned your every moral, buy every girl you cheated
You done wrong to people that only wanted to love you
Any time you thought you were alone, I was next to you

ME: When it came to Girlfriends, you gave me the worse ones

GOD: Yeah but that the second girl, ABID! You shouldn't have left the first one.

ME: I hardly got a good job, didn’t have a pot to piss in

GOD: Look I gave you a gift and you would make the wrong decisions
You Held onto grudges even when doing business
I lead by example, I teach forgiveness
your entry can not be Gur-an-teed
not when you live with anger, envy, greed
pride, sloth, lust even gluttony
everything you shouldn't of had if you would of joined my spiritual company

ME: Look God, I'm only human I’m not perfect.

GOD: That I understand, however When I take you out a jam
you don't even think to worship, you would just try formulate another stupid plan
you never talk about what you can do for me, it’s always what I can do for you?
Cant you see that i blessed you with health, family and wealth
With all the blessings you received you still always seem to need help

ME: Yeah there’s always been times in my life I needed help to make money
But why everything I love you manage to take from me?
Yet you stand there and question a guy that tries so hard
and finds a way when you keep dealing him such messed up cards
You make mistakes like ME, As far as I can see
I think its such a mockery whenever rich people win the lottery
you gave us such a corrupted government and I hate to be rude
But you let skinny people starve, but you still give obese people food
THE NERVE of you telling me I don't deserve to stay here
When you gave us knives, guns and you put AIDS here!
Take a look at yourself, your actions are so cold hearted
the reality is you bring babies in the world retarded
I know most my actions could easily put me in a cell
But how are so you mad at me when you put me through a living hell?

GOD: See Abid you need some gratitude, maybe just a sample
I never gave a person anything they can’t handle
Don't tell me about everything you had to go through
there's reasons for my actions even if I never showed you
the fact is i always Kept trying with you, But all you did was hurt me
still gave you chances to prove that you was worthy
and so I sat with you on a train I asked you for change
you kept calling me names.
And You probably didn’t notice
I was the store clerk,
you put the knife to me just to get money
Was that your substitute for work?
Look Abid I know you have it in you to indeed stop
so this is not your final calling just a brief pause
I sincerely hope you have heard my words and understand
so when I see you back you should be a better man
look at life different the next time we see each other
As there will be no need of a conversation, the next time we meet one another.

In the begining of this poem, I think you could have quoted your thoughts, but overall I thought it was just okay. I think you should use more correct grammer, unless that's the main idea of your poem. You could have capitalized your 'I's in the poem. The overall story of this poem is good, though. Keep on writing!

Hello, Abid! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

My favorite part of this piece was the subject. I know that quite a few other people have written about near-death experiences and the stuff like that, but this one was fresh. I haven't seen stuff like it before. However, it did have a few areas where I think improvement could be made.

One of the most common things writers have to get over is the overuse of words. You can have one word that's absolutely vibrant and stellar, but if you cover it with lines and lines of words that don't contribute to the poem, the power of that word will weaken. If I were you, I would look over this piece again and ask yourself if every word of every sentence and every line needs to be there. Everything must have a purpose, no matter how small.

I know most my actions could easily put me in a cell
But how are so you mad at me when you put me through a living hell?

This is good writing, but I think it could be even better. Watch this.

I know most of my actions could put me in a cell,
But how are so you mad at me when you put me through hell?

I think this flows better and is easier to read. You really do have good rhyming skills; have you ever considered writing lyrics?

The last thing I'd suggest working on is your punctuation. Punctuation is important in all writing, even poetry. Notice how when I edited your work above, I inserted a comma at the end of the first line. Doesn't it make it look more polished?

Remember, your opinion is all that matters at the end of the day. If you disagree with any of my suggestions, feel free to disregard them and keep this just the way it is.

All in all, great work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

I don't have much of a review for you as I really can't find much wrong with this at all - but I really wanted to tell you how much I like it! As a poem, it flows well and makes your point really clear, and the topic is unique and the poem is just very quirky and individual.

I love the dramatic yet completely true way you've described everything in this poem. Keep writing - I'd love to read more.