Young Writers Society

Death takes it all

On a lonely rock he sits alone
from his lips comes a painful moan
he's thinking, hate takes it all

No words can tell what he does feel
his heart is screaming, it cant heal
it's screaming, words destroys it all

Seeking revenge is what he'll do
the search for the heart, that belongs to you
you are screaming, revenge fakes it all

At the end of the world he cries out loud
watching the dark erasing the crowd
he is crying, eternity swallows it all

When he is all alone, with not a single friend
he will no for sure, nobody can escape the end
he's laughing, death really takes it all

So when death arrives he doesn’t fear
with a hand on his chest, love is near
he's whispering, love wins it all

For what it's worth,
love is birth
but in the end, death takes it all

Well done.

I enjoyed the simple rhyming scheme and the common words at the end of each stanza.

For what it's worth,
love is birth

Nice. Using words that rhyme when said but not when written, encourages the reader to actually read it out loud.

The poem is easy to relate to for a variety of people. Due to themes of love, death and anger.

All in all, I quite enjoyed it. Simple and sweet. Well, not entirely sweet.

Hi there! Welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying it so far.

Now, this poem. I'll break down my review into a few parts. I apologize if anything is rambling or doesn't make much sense.

Firstly, a little grammar help.

his heart is screaming, it cant heal

Should be "can't". Remember apostrophes!

it's screaming, words destroys it all

Should be 'words destroy it all'.

Also, a note on grammar in poetry. Generally, it's best to punctuate your poetry as if it were prose - that is, you put capitals letters after full stops, and put commas, etc in the right places. In your poem, you've capitalized the first letter of each stanza, yet you have absolutely no full stops on the lines before. If you're going to go along the route of no capitalization, then extend that rule to every line. If you want the first lines of each stanza capitalised, then put full stops at the end of every stanza. Yus?

Okay then, now let's think about your subject choice. I have to admit, upon reading your first stanza I immediately felt that what you wrote was, in all honesty, a little cliché. The writing itself I won't go into yet, but the title of your poem, and indeed some of the themes running through it, have all been written about before to varying degrees of success. This isn't always a bad thing - so much poetry has been written that very few themes are truly original any more. However, that isn't to say that you can't try, and to be honest here I felt like your poem took rather an unoriginal route.

So, how can you make the poem better? Well, there are many ways you can actually do this, so I'll just come up with a few ideas for you. The main way, and probably the most important, is developing your ideas a little more. I'm sorry, but I'm putting it in a very vague way there - I'll narrow it down. Basically, right now you're not fully developing your ideas, so the poem seems a little detached and unemotional. You're describing what happens, but you never really develop this into emotions, or even a strong story that runs through it. Emotion is really the backbone of a lot of poetry, and I think yours would benefit if you added in a little more.

How can you do this? I would recommend using some poetic devices. These really help bring a poem to life, and I would definitely recommend you using these. By doing this, you can bring to life some key elements of what you're trying to say, expanding on them and maing the reader really connect with what you're trying to say.

Here is a basic glossary of poetic devices.

One other thing I think I should say is that I'm not sure your rhyme scheme works here. Sometimes, rhyme is a great tool to use in poetry, and really adds to the effect. However, in a lot of cases, rhyme means that you're forced to constrain your poem and fit it into these bonds that don't quite fit. I thin that you should play around with removing the rhyme from your poem, and see if that frees it all up a little bit and makes it better.

I hope that this helps. Again, I'm sorry if it's too rambly or doesn't make sense - I haven't reviewed much poetry recently!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

-Amy

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Nice.

I must say that I've always pictured Death as a woman, but I can see how that could work. If you're going to show Death that way it makes me picture him in a barren wasteland. Like a battle field after battle.

Or is this about a man who is dying, and has lots of anger in his heart. I can see that.

Anyways, it's very good.
-Point

Very good.

I liked it. All emotoins in life are just a distraction from the feeling of nothingness taht eareses them all.

Or something like that.

A little chilling, but I liked the vaugness like you can't undrstand all of it. (Isn't life like that.)

I had to reread it a few times to really get in my world. Poems mean different things to people, but I liked this. It didn't need to ryhme, but it did in the best places. With words that fit, not like a word that I had to look up to find the meaning.

Makes making a poem look effortless.

~UrWoRstNiGhtMarE

A very beautiful poem. The rhyme scheme really works and the poem has a great flow to it. And somehow it evokes some intense imagery without any description, which I really like. The idea of Death being unhappy is also an interesting one. Good job. *thumbs up*

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Just a quick note to say that this was brilliant in every way *haha...I tried to rhyme here:)* I realy like this poem. It made me think about death and I saw the whole scene playing infront of my eyes and I liked the simple rhymning. It was interesting and I could feel the emotion. I loved the ending...It was dramatic, I like these kind of poems. You have talent:)

Ikafe:)

Thanku very much Ikafe x)

Ooh, I just looked this one through.. it's one the first poems I ever wrote.. and I must say I'm a bit surprised.. Most of my old poems really suck but I'm kinda proud of this one ^^

very realistic poem and yes, i love the feel of how scary death was in this poem I am speechless XD

Hi demoness!

I like this poem. It shows how scary and fearful death is. It creates a really scary imagery in my head and I like the topic picture. I think you have a great sense of rhythm and the rhyme works really well. The verse link well to each other and everything is complete. There aren't any full stops or commas, but I can't really help you with that as I am no good with punctuation XD sorry!

Nice poem

Deanie x