Young Writers Society

In Time,
All things become clear
Like lambs to the slaughter,
the sand draws near.
Forward they charge
Cannon blasts at large;
Grapeshot of muskets
and rocks by the buckets
are what separate the lines.
Low and behold,
no story untold
they all meet me in time;
For I am the reaper,
the dark night creeper.
First to the show,
Last one to go.
my grasp comes ever near,
Waiting for you,
murderer, Hero,
until death we part,
I'm waiting for you,
General.

Alright, so you have a good poem here, but your meter and rhyme is totally out of whack. Let me give you some advice on how to fix that:

In Time,
All things become clear
Like lambs to the slaughter,
the sand draws near, This has a nice meter and a VERY nice rhyme scheme, but it doesn't match the rest of the poem, and it makes it sound awkward. If you're going to have and "aabbccdd" Rhyme scheme, you can't have an "abcb" rhyme scheme in the first section.
Forward they charge
Cannon blasts at large,
Grapeshot of muskets
and rocks by the buckets,
are what separating the lines Oh dear grammar Gods what have you done. Either drop the "what," which I wouldn't do for the sake of the meter, or write something like "are what are separating." Otherwise you're grammar is just TOTALLY off.....
Low and behold they all meet me, in time; This line is WAY too long. Try to shorten it up a bit, though I'm not entirely sure how.
For I am the reaper,
the dark night creeper, This line is just awkward. I don't know what else to say about it.
First to the show,
Last one to go
my grasp comes ever near,
Waiting for you, murderer, First off: doesn't rhyme. Secondly: it doesn't fit, and it just sounds awkward. Maybe change the line above it to make it fit with this one better? And did you mean to say "your?"
Hero, until death we part,
I'm waiting for you,
General
For the sands of time clog your heart. GAHHHH. You completely changed the meter and rhyme scheme again! It just doesn't work. I don't know what else to tell you.

In Time,
All things become clear
Like lambs to the slaughter,
the sand draws near, (This should be a period, not a comma.)
Forward they charge
Cannon blasts at large,
Grapeshot of muskets
and rocks by the buckets,
are what separating the lines
Low and behold they all meet me, in time; (major run-on)
For I am the reaper,
the dark night creeper,
First to the show,
Last one to go (You should probably add a comma.)
my grasp comes ever near,
Waiting for you, murderer,
Hero, until death we part,
I'm waiting for you,
General
For the sands of time clog your heart.

This is pretty good. I hope my review helps.

LosCadaver,

We meet again. I like this here, I like the rhythm and the idea of time in battle. I'm wondering, why in-time and not just "time" ? Though I might be missing something here.

Beware your capitals. It seems you go back and forth and sometimes you capitalize the letters at the beginning of your lines, and sometimes you don't. My suggestion: don't. It just looks more professional that way, but it's a preference thing. Either one way or the other, but not both. And since we're on the topic of punctuation, I would prefer if this was broken up into several sentences, as it is right now, the poem reads as one big run-on.

Sentence punctuation separate ideas. Line breaks do the same thing, sure - so either you have absolutely no punctuation - or you have standard English punctuation - but not both.

That being said, I do love the pacing here. I like the tension that the rhyme brings, so it was a good choice to use rhyme, just be careful to follow meter as the reviewers above have thoughtfully mentioned.

For I am the reaper,
the dark night creeper,
First to the show,
Last one to go

Easily my favorite part. Sounds eerie Good job, and keep writing.

~ as always, Audy

Thank you all, please would you review my update?