Young Writers Society

In the midst of the pouring rain he stood,
a warrior cold with a heart that bled fire.
And cloaked in the murky mists of the war-field,
he held up his sword and shouted for love.

For the love of his world that he'd lost when she died,
and for that of his family, buried beneath.
For every memory consumed by the hunger
of a dying world clad in the smog of the burnt.
There, where the world lay weak on its death-bed,
his voice, deep and tortured, was heard on the wind.

His eyes like the ocean snapped in the rain,
hewn of the crystals that hung in the sky.
His shoulders were that of a man strong and young
with arms that were made of the flesh of the earth.
An unfettered strange power, not demon or angel,
a wanderer man who desired revenge.
There, at the end of the world, he was victor.
There, at the end of his love, he was dying.
There, at the end of his life, he was living.

Crimson strands writhing throughout the dark soil
cut through the rubble like knives made of water.
The life that was roaring spread out from his veins
and blotted the earth with scarlet disdain.
His last cry wafted away on the wind;
his last breath drifted away through the air.
And, for the last time, his icy eyes looked
onto the world he had roamed as a rebel.

i don't know a lot about poetry stuff but that was really good i enjoyed it a lot

Hi!

I thought that this piece was beautiful. The descriptions easily painted a picture and showed the emotions of the soldier perfectly! The part to say where he is dying without his love, but living at the end of his life was so pretty and I thought tying "eyes like the ocean" back into the poem by using it as the title showed the significance of the line.

Keep writing!

~chezka

Hello creativityrules,

Let me start by saying that was a wonderful poem, I love the depth in your words and the clear picture that you managed to paint in my head and it was such a beautiful poem. I liked how you described each moment carefully and how smoothly you rolled through each part of the story and not a single line in this sounded forced or boring. You should be really proud of this piece, it's lovely!

In the midst of the pouring rain he stood,
a warrior cold with a heart that bled fire,
and cloaked in the murky mists of the war-field,
he held up his sword and shouted for love.

The first line of this stanza is a brilliant way to introduce the poem and it drags the reader into the poem really quickly because it's exciting and interesting. The second line is just as powerful but a little confusing for the reader because it doesn't make total sense and it is a little bit confusing to understand. also i think you should change the comma at the end of the second line into a full stop and then take out the "and" in the third line and capitalize the first letter of "cloaked" at the third line so that instead of it saying:

"a warrior cold with a heart that bled fire,
and cloaked in the murky mists of the war-field,"

it says:

"a warrior with a heart that bled like fire.
Cloaked in the murky mists of the war-field,"

To me personally it just makes more sense and it helps flow in the first stanza so that if someone were to read it out it would sound accurate. Apart from that the first stanza is very good and it introduces the topic incredibly well because of the imagery.

For the love of his world that he'd lost when she died,
and for that of his family, buried beneath;
for every memory consumed by the hunger
of a dying world clad in the smog of the burnt.
There, where the world lay weak on its death-bed,
his voice, deep and tortured, was heard on the wind.

This stanza was very good, probably my favorite out of this whole poem simply beacause because it was interesting and descriptive. But you still have the same problem as the first stanza, being that you didn't include a great amount of punctuation to break it up and make it flow more. Also the last line is a little confusing, how do you hear someone's voice on the wind? I know it's a metaphorical wind but to me personally it doesn't sound right, again it might just be me!

And his eyes like the ocean snapped in the rain,
hewn of the crystals that hung in the sky;
his shoulders were that of a man strong and young
with arms that were made of the flesh of the earth.
An unfettered strange power, not demon or angel,
a wanderer man who desired revenge.
There, at the end of the world, he was victor.
There, at the end of his love, he was dying.
There, at the end of his life, he was living.

Ooooh this is good! I liked the repetition at the end and your punctuation in this part is perfect! I liked the beauty and glory of this stanza. There were a few parts that didn't sound quite right but they are really minor and probably not very significant at all so I won't point those out. But there was one small error that did catch my eye and i think that's quite important.

"And his eyes like the ocean snapped in the rain,
hewn of the crystals that hung in the sky;"

You should never put the word "and" at the start of a stanza, it doesn't sound right at all. Try changing it to this:

"His eyes like the ocean snapped in the rain,
hewn of the crystals that hung in the sky;"

Crimson strands writhing throughout the dark soil
cut through the rubble like knives made of water.
The life that was roaring spread out from his veins
and blotted the earth with scarlet disdain.
His last cry wafted away on the wind;
his last breath drifted away through the air.
And, for the last time, his icy eyes looked
onto the world he had roamed as a rebel.

This was really nice and I have absolutely no constructive criticism for this last stanza. It's really perfect and I love how nicely you ended this amazing poem. i don't think you could have done it any better than this. it's simply amazing and i loved all of it!

Overall a lovely poem and i really hope to see more of your stuff around! If you have any questions or comments about this review or you would like another review then please feel free to get in touch with me! I'm always ready to review for anyone! Keep up the writing, your talent is amazing and this poem was beautiful!

from DreamingForever