Young Writers Society

To Become A Hero.


A path this man has taken,
Amidst warriors he must stand,
To fight for his country's freedom,
Enemy blood stains foreign land.

His family prays for his return,
This man who beholds no fear,
His brother standing at his side,
Each of his memories seen clear.

His path too narrow, too treacherous
However, he walks not alone;
This soldier who seems a lone boy,
Is truly a brave man grown?

At night he tries to close his eyes,
He promised he would return,
His brother holds his hand so tight,
A tender gesture, filled with concern.

He remembered of that moment,
When his choice had first been made,
His mother's eyes filled with sadness,
He left home; on hard ground he now laid.

To become a hero he longs,
A tale being told of pride and glory,
Children listen of rapt attention,
Yearning to hear this soldier’s story.

Gunfire rings within the night,
Soldiers rise with narrowed eyes,
His brother leads this pack of wolves,
Following comrades’ pain filled cries.

This hero stays behind, keeping still,
He dares not breathe for frigid fright,
Gunfire bursts from close behind,
The soldier sways but stays upright.

A glance behind him sees the foe,
He utters but a gurgled breath,
The enemy but smiles despite,
He has just brought a boy to death.

The soldier bows down to his knees,
His family haloed in wavering light,
Fallen to the ground, darkness smothering
He remembered what was said tonight;

“Though we’re far from home,
Amidst heroes and brother alike
Our memories shall never be far,
Many hearts our tale shall strike.”

“On remembrance day we’ll be haloed,
Our country will hail each a name,
Their freedom they have been granted,
A childhood dream; heroes we became.”

Wow. I really felt like I knew the soldier. It was like he was only fighting because that was the expectation, because he wanted to be a hero and when he died he finally got that wish.
"To become a hero he longs,
A tale being told of pride and glory,
Children listen of rapt attention,
Yearning to hear this soldier’s story."
I liked this particularly because what he wanted was the glory of people seeing him as a hero, but he won't be alive to experience their "rapt attention" but maybe, because he died, those children will still have their lives and freedom.

I don't know if this was the message you meant to give, but they were my initial thoughts on reading this.

"He remembered of that moment,
When his choice had first been made,
His mother's eyes filled with sadness,
He left home; on hard ground he now laid"
At first I thought the rhyme felt a little forced in this but after re-reading it, I wouldn't change it because I think the "hard ground" is a nice contrast to living with his caring mother.

In conclussion I loved it and don't think I'd change much at all. Good job

Okay I'm a sucker for anything military, because I'm in a military family and it's going to be me someday to! Okay I really like it but I have two problems with it some of your rhymes are forced and your wording is off in some places. Anything I suggest is just to do with the rhythm of the stanzas to make them flow.

His family prays for his return,
This man who beholds no fear,
His brother standing at his side,
Each of his memories seen clear.

"This man who holds no fear,
Each of his memories are finally clear

His path too narrow, too treacherous
However, he walks not alone;
This soldier who seems a lone boy,
Is truly a brave man grown?

"However he does not walk alone;
This soldier who seemed a lone boy
Is a brave man truly grown."

The last line as a question I think should be a statement.

At night he tries to close his eyes,
He promised he would return,
His brother holds his hand so tight,
A tender gesture, filled with concern.

Try, "he promised his return
"

His

tender gesture filled with concern.

I'd take the comma out of the last line to allow it to be read with no pause in it.

To become a hero he longs,
A tale being told of pride and glory,
Children listen of rapt attention,
Yearning to hear this soldier%u2019s story.

Eh I'm not quite sure how to help here, it's all really jumbled, too many words.. read it out loud and see what you can do with it.

Following comrades%u2019 pain filled cries.

Maybe, " Following his comrades' pain filled cries.

A glance behind him sees the foe,
He utters but a gurgled breath,
The enemy but smiles despite,
He has just brought a boy to death.

This is my least favorite stanza. I understand your show the soldier died but it seems like he barely got the chance and that he died in vain. Maybe remake this stanza and allow him to die fighting and show it from his point of view and what he's thinking. I also am not a fan of you switching to the enemies view, stick with the soldiers view.

His family haloed in wavering light,

You could try "His family watched in haloed light,"

%u201COn remembrance day we%u2019ll be haloed,
Our country will hail each a name,
Their freedom they have been granted,
A childhood dream; heroes we became.%u201D

Last stanza is the best and my favorite good work!

I also really like how you rhymed but didn't rhyme in all the stanza's it all worked and blended well. A lot of time people will say to rhyme if your going to rhyme and do it all the way through and I would rather leave it to the author, so good work with that.