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Young Writers Society


The New Congregation



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23 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1072
Reviews: 23
Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:17 am
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UrbanNomad says...



He who receives baptism by rain at 3a.m.
not renewed from yesterday’s ritual piss up;
a twelve-dollar bottle with the supermarket voucher
his warm companion worn like a cotton blanket
to survive cold burning by internal fire almost out.

The new congregation meets on Hobson Street, man,
they have a green building and a morning door open
but mass is usually acted roadside as I’ve witnessed.
There is the park bench saint with his Burger King crown.
Two twenty somethings stuck on the glue.
A former construction worker with malt gold lining mouth to shirt.
There are eight bearded gurus from Grafton on fumy incense.
And my khaki comandante from Aotea Square-
out again since his last liquor store liberation.

No one is addicted or dependent here, man,
reverence of chemical welfare alive and uncontested:
these are followers paying simple homage to the fag,
the resin bag and the national brew.

No one can give back rational thought now, man,
they took the offering with bare hands wide open
but the side streets are broken, in all lights giving
that grey stained window with glass shards scattering hope.

My comandante lies awake with himself today, emptier
than his draught can. Tell him ‘the faith must be kept, kept strong!’
Isn’t the institution compelling now? We have gold coated Catholicism
and strident Presbyterianism and crusading whatever to give the same answer…

My comandante hears bells knelling in his swollen ears,
you know man, if only he had enough money for both smokes
and a pass to carpeted heaven!

My comandante laughs gravelly, they share real poverty together.
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1422
Reviews: 42
Fri Oct 07, 2011 3:03 pm
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alabasterwolveness says...



Hiya!

Well first off... I have to say Im not a poet but I do enjoy some poetry, anyways. Im a writer and since this is narrative poetry, I can hopefully give good tips!

Well Id like to say that this didnt really flow together at all... There are some words in here that really dont make sense to what your trying to do. I mean, the formate is very well writen and everything as such. It just doesnt really get into someones moods to want to read this at all. You can also break up the verses and make them smaller, it will not make the reader want to read them if its way to big... It looks sometimes overwelming to the reader.

Now, the poem part...
There are words that you could of used differently, also at the end of the poem... The words dont make any sense at all, really they are just there, they have no purpose in what Im seeing.

Now please dont take any offense to me, Im just being the mean critical me. If you have any questions, feel free to message me or post on my profile!
And again, no offense please? Thanks!

~Randi (A.K.A Alabastr)
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  





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456 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Sat Oct 08, 2011 8:20 pm
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Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thansk for requesting a review! :D

He who receives baptism by rain at 3a.m.

I love your style of writing. Great first line.

not renewed from yesterday’s ritual piss up;

I don't understand what a piss up is, and generally try to avoid using cuss words in your work. ( I know not all people consider piss a cuss word, but there are people who do.) It just makes it look bad.

to survive cold burning by internal fire almost out.

This line is really confusing. Are you trying to say that the cold outside meets up with his hot body temperature and creates the need to survive with a coat? If so, what does the almost out part mean of this line?

The new congregation meets on Hobson Street, man,

There's no use for the word man at the end of this line. I suggest taking it out.

they have a green building and a morning door open

There should be a comma at the end of this line.

but mass is usually acted roadside as I’ve witnessed.

What does this mean? How does mass act roadside?

There is the park bench saint with his Burger King crown.
Two twenty somethings stuck on the glue.
A former construction worker with malt gold lining mouth to shirt.
There are eight bearded gurus from Grafton on fumy incense.
And my khaki comandante from Aotea Square-
out again since his last liquor store liberation.

I absolutely love the way you describe these people. :D

My comandante hears bells knelling in his swollen ears,
you know man, if only he had enough money for both smokes
and a pass to carpeted heaven!

there should be a comma after know, and i love this statement hear, very profound.

I loved this poem; thanks for asking me to read it. The only thing I am unsure of is if the letters should be capitalized at the beginning of every line; that's how it is during a regular poem, but because you puctuated this I'm not sure any more. Also, when starting a new sentence make sure you capitalize the letter of the first word. If you need another review of have questions feel free to ask,

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
  





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80 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 333
Reviews: 80
Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:19 am
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polinkacreations says...



Hello there, thanks for asking to review:)
I'll just get to the nitpicks, and then give you an overall opinion.
not renewed from yesterday’s ritual piss up;
- I agree with Rascalover here - the piss-up sounds a bit harsh compared to the rest of the stanza.
to survive cold burning by internal fire almost out.
- I love this line, although I think it should be "survive the cold". I really like the internal fire bit, though. Very nice.
The new congregation meets on Hobson Street, man,
- why the "man" bit at the end? Were you trying to make it sound like a spoken line? I don't think it fits though.
a morning door open
- Love the morning door. :D
There is the park bench saint with his Burger King crown.
- Another awesome line. Burger King crown? Very original, and meaningful. Well done to you.
No one is addicted or dependent here, man,
- Here, the "man" bit fits more nicely than in the line before, because I imagine this line being spoken.
glass shards scattering hope.
- love it.
We have gold coated Catholicism
and strident Presbyterianism and crusading whatever to give the same answer…
- I love your description of Catholicism being gold-coated and overrated, but the rest of the sentence is a bit too complicated and falls out of place in this poem. Keep it broken up, or simpler.
hears bells knelling in his swollen ears,
- nice description.
and a pass to carpeted heaven!
- I don't really like the "carpeted" here. Maybe use another word?
My comandante laughs gravelly, they share real poverty together.
- Love the last line. Well done.

Overall, a very nice poem, well written, and the descriptions you use are very vivid and understandable. Sometimes, your sentences are too complicated and I got lost, but I still think it's a very meaningful poem.
Thanks for requesting, it was a pleasure, and keep up the good work;)
polly xx
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
  








It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman