Young Writers Society

I remember the day
when the rain came home,
when mother flew onward
and left us alone.

We were children that day--
too small to discern
that the Savior was absent
and would never return.

But we discovered ourselves
in the rain and the wind.

But you soon lost yourself
when the rain left home.

When the rain came home,
I danced in the streets;
and the clouds laughed with me
as my soul was released.

When the rain came home,
the tar glistened wet;
my cries rose like ash
from a doused cigarette.

But doubt filled my mind
when the Rain came home.

WOW.
This is a very beautiful poem! The rhyming was good but the words were even better. Keep it upp
x

Nice rhyming and creative poem!

But we discovered ourselves
in the rain and the wind.

But you soon lost yourself
when the rain left home.

These parts aren't in a four-lined, rhyming stanza like the rest of your poem minus the end. I'm not saying it isn't good and you should change it, but it just doesn't seem to fit in as well.
I didn't spot any typos or grammar mistakes, so good job on that! And great work with the whole poem, too!

Hai Lumi,

While I liked the flow and the neat structure of this, I find myself a bit confused as to what exactly is going on: the change in pronouns from "I" to "we" to "you" and back makes things a bit complicated, and I didn't find enough other clues to figure out what the story proper was.

We were children that day--
too small to discern
that the Savior was absent
and would never return.

The "Savior" here automatically makes me jump to religious references, but then it's also (I assume) the mother, who left in the first stanza. Are they one and the same? Linked? Only coincidentally related?

But we discovered ourselves
in the rain and the wind.

But you soon lost yourself
when the rain left home.

I'm guessing the separation of this in paired lines rather than the previous quatrains is significant, and the change in pronoun (we/you) is as well, but it's too sudden: I don't know who you're adressing now, nor why you've done it. The contrast between the discovering oneself in the rain and the losing it when "the rain left home" is interesting, but sounds too paradoxical when worded this sparsely and with no other details. Why is it that things are different between those people? What is it exactly that the rain signifies? (also I note that the loss of mother/Savior is not a devastating thing, since there is that finding oneself?)

When the rain came home,
I danced in the streets;
and the clouds laughed with me
as my soul was released.

And back again with the "I". Support for my "it's not so bad" comment earlier, with the dancing and the laughing going on here. At the same time, the soul being "released" could also be taken in the way of death, which... kind of does ruin the happy. Generally speaking. Unless again it's a matter of POV, but the indications are still too few.

When the rain came home,
the tar glistened wet;
my cries rose like ash
from a doused cigarette.

I like the parallel/repetition with the previous stanza. But again it's too off, and I almost would've expected this one to be in the second-person, to reflect the earlier fracture. (also minor nitpick, but ash rising? Especially when "doused" and associated with rain, making me think of it more like miserably flopping to the ground. Unless that was intentional, in which case please laugh at me).

But doubt filled my mind
when the Rain came home.

The cap'd Rain taunts me. Savior/mother+rain=Rain? That was lost comes back and makes things complicated?

Lumi, I'm confused D:

i didn't find any gramatic errors but this seemed too simple to be your writing.
i'm not pointing it out as a flow it just seemed to lack *lumi factor*.
overall good, but clearly not your best.
awaiting your next piece of writing.