Young Writers Society

How did if feel?
All those days you spent watching me heal?

How did it feel?
Watching me scurry in and infinitely lose my zeal?

How did it feel?
Seeing the tears on my face?
Seeing the pain my family tried so hard to erase?

How did it feel?
Seeing me on the floor?
My face jarred in terror as you pushed me beside the door?

How did it feel?
Pushing right through me?
Watching my senses collapse as the world around me?

How did it feel?
Knowing you had taken the one thing I could never get back?
That for eternity I would have a hunched back?

How did it feel?
As you watched me wake in my pain and shame?
Did you for a second realize that I would never be the same?

How did it feel?
Seeing the look in my eyes?
Did you stop to wonder; whether it was hate or sorrow?
Or stop to ponder; on what I'd face tomorrow?

How did it feeel daddy?
How did it feel?
As you raped the life out of me?.

This is definitely a topic that would scare away most poets, especially because of its taboo subject and the element of family criminality.

I think that you have suceeded to some extent in portraying a social message about the implications of rape on the individual mind. I understand how the girl feels and the trauma she has gone through.

Obviously your rhyme scheme has been intended to provide emphasis on rhetorical questions as every line houses an exclamation mark. That is fine and I think that it worked well.

However, did it ever occur to you that exiting the rhyme scheme pattern may also provide strong contrast and emphasize certain points in the poem? I would suggest that you re-write the last stanza completely, setting it up to look like it will follow the conventional rhyme pattern and then end it with a blatantly contrasting word pattern to provide shock and realisation for the reader that the rapist is her father.

Consider revising your rhyming words carefully as well. If you are going to take the risk of establishing consistent rhyme, make sure it does not sound at all forced or unnatural (as in the lines should not be crafted solely to accomodate rhyme).

I found 'Watching me scurry in and infinitely lose my zeal?' to be a very weak line. Clearly you have forced rhyme into the line and 'zeal' is an inappropriate word-it has positive connotations that are not useful to giving the feeling of sadness and subordination that you are looking for.

With that said, a good example of rhyme was:

"How did it feel?
Seeing the tears on my face?
Seeing the pain my family tried so hard to erase?"

Face and erase are examples of well used assonance, so I commend you for that. Maybe consider replacing some of your rather elementary rhymes with more subtle rhymes such as this one.

Well done, your poem was an interesting read and I hope these suggestions can provide further reinforcement for your otherwise strong idea.

-Nomad

this topic is a very sensitive one and i'm honestly quite surprised that you would share it with so many people but i have a high respect for you and please don't hesitate to pm if you ever need to talk i may not know you but i'm always willing to listen to others and can be quite protective so if you ever need to talk i'm here.

This is really good! It's awful how you said this happened to a friend! I like the way you worded and wrote your stanzas. Had a very nice rhythem and tone. Very dramatic at the end, wasn't expecting it. I think you did a great job capturing the raw emotions of getting raped. Great job!