Young Writers Society

Barely Eighteen

This soldier, he died,
barely out of his teens.
So make sure to remember,
he was only eighteen.

So remember his memory,
and pray for his soul,
think of him daily,
for he protected the whole:

Here lies the soldier.
His thoughts dark and obscene.
He's the almighty aider.
But he's barely eighteen.

Though beaten and tired
He continued to walk.
Doing all that's required,
but barely able to talk.

Monsters were waiting in his head.
Memories he didn't want to keep.
So he tries to stay awake instead,
he never sleeps.

His gun at ready,
eyes alert.
His body is antsy,
and his arm is hurt.

Planes overhead.
As he stood his ground.
His comrades had fled.
War was all around.

He fought to the death
He would not run
He took his last breath
Shooting his gun

Protecting his country and everyone...

Hello,

I'm not really into poems and whatnot, but I thought "Why not?" when I saw the heading.
I did enjoy reading it too, so I'm glad I took the time to.
I thought it flowed really well and the structure is really good too.
My favourite part would have to be the first stanza:

Here lies the soldier.
His thoughts dark and obscene.
He's the all mighty aider.
But he's barely eighteen.

It really caught my attention.
Maybe you could keep with the line "Barely Eighteen"
Make it more re-occurring. But that is up to you.

-- Ever.

I figure I may as well review this, since I have naught else to do tonight.

First stanza - I like the separation of ideas in this. I like the kind of stilted rhythm, the jolting words, the punctuation, the everything about it. What I might have to say is, in the second line, to keep a better rhythm you could knock out "His". The previous line would imply that they're his thoughts, and the word seems... extraneous. That may just be me, though.

Second stanza - where'd all the pretty punctuation and rhythmic jolts go? That was what brought the appeal in at the first stanza, and to relax so suddenly in the second doesn't sound right for the poem. Instead, you might say, "He's beaten and tired./He continues to walk./Doing all that's required./Barely able to talk." That would follow the rhythm of the first stanza nicely... but that's just my opinion, after all; some other might like that change.

Third stanza - okay, so you lengthened the lines a bit. And? The last line seems out of place - perhaps you could repeat "he doesn't sleep", or say "He barely eats and doesn't sleep" or something along those lines? I'm suffering from poetry writer's block, so those suggestions probably suck, but they're the best I could come up with. Other than that, I have no problem with this stanza. In fact, I actually like the phrasing and the words in this stanza more than any other in this poem, with that slight issue with the last line.

Fourth stanza - "Eyes on alert"? "Eyes alert" would still fit the rhythm quite nicely, and the word "on" creates an... odd prepositional phrase. Other than that, it's pretty cool.

Fifth stanza - The last line... no. No to the last line. Maybe "Screams echo around" or something like that. "War is all around" sounds a little cheesy and corny and just no. I'm sorry. It completely throws the reader off of your beautiful imagery into something like a bad romance novel featuring a wounded soldier.

Sixth stanza - The pretty punctuation disappeared again. Seriously, if you're going to use it for emphasis, please use it in every stanza. Other than that, it's cool.

Last line - kill the ellipsis. Just a full stop is fine.

I love the imagery, I love the message, I love the poem. Just a few little edits I think it could use. ^^

Bryn wrote:Barely Eighteen

Here lies the soldier.
His thoughts dark and obscene.
He's the almighty aider.
But he's barely eighteen. Brilliant first stanza. Your rhythm is spot on, and your rhyme scheme works to a point.

Though beaten and tired
He continues to walk Wait aminute, didn't you just say "Here lies the soldier"? This is slightly confusing, but I can't really see a way to alter it without messing up the rhythm...
Doing all that's required If I were you, I'd add a "That's." "Doing all required" doesn't quite sound right to me.
Barely able to talk.

Monsters waiting in his head. Love this line!
Memories he doesn't want to keep.
So he tries to stay awake instead. These two lines break your rhythm up.
He doesn't sleep.

Gun at ready.
Eyes on alert.
Body is antsy. Antsy? I'm not sure what you mean here. Otherwise, you'vce created some great suspense.
Arm is hurt.

Planes overhead.
He stands his ground.
His comrades have fled.
War's all around. Slight rhythm break again. Try changing it from "War is" to "War's"

He'll fight to the death
He won't run
He'll take his last breath
Shooting his gun Another great stanza, a sense of finality and the rhythm continues to be perfect.

Protecting his country and everyone... I actually quite like the ellipsis there.

Hope I helped! Keep writing!

I like it alot, its very consistant with the subject. But I could say that you can make the words flow together more to make the reader want to keep reading. Overall very good writing, and the choice of words could be better but they were pretty good!

Hope this helps!

~Randi (A.K.A Alabaster0 & Morgan (Alabaster's friend!)