Young Writers Society

I’ve seen your face
In an old picture,
And maybe in a dream or two.

We were out watching
Fireflies in my backyard.

I don’t remember everything you said,
But I can remember the intricate
Dances of the sparks
And the taste of your lips.

It’s funny, how I can imagine what
Your voice
Sounds like,
Without ever hearing it.

They’ll think I’m crazy,
But that shouldn’t mean anything.
I already know I’m a little
Insane at times.

I never believed
Something like this could happen.
I mean, really—
How could you
Care for someone so deeply
If you haven’t even

Heard them
Felt them
Looked into their eyes
Said the words out loud?

When I tell them
They’ll say, “How can you know him
If he’s an entire ocean away?!”

But I do know you, Trevor, I do!

I could go into a detailed list
Of all the things I know about you
But that would make this far too long.

So let me wrap this up
By saying, it hurts
But all I need to do
Is look up at the sky

And I’ll feel better, because
Even though you’re a whole ocean away
You’re still looking up at the same sky as I am.

Someday

I’ll be able to
Hear you
Feel you
Look into your eyes
Say the words out loud.

“I love you”
And I’ll wait for you, Trevor.
I’ll wait for you.

This was nice - made me smile. I loved the last lines, really wrapped it up. It was nice that you had a generally sad poem, but somehow you gave a little bit of happiness at the end. It sounds like these two people really do meet up again in the end. I like the bit about the sky, about it being the same sky. The only problem I have with this poem is the enjambment. Do you really need all those different lines? For instance, I like how, in the to last stanzas, how 'Hear you/ feel you' and '"I love you"/And wait for you, Trevor/ I'll wait for you.' are on different lines. But I don't understand why there are so many different lines in stanza six. This is just my opinion - I think you have broken up the poem too much. Apart from that, I really enjoyed reading it, and everything else was great!
-Anna

I really enjoyed this poem a lot mostly because I love romance. You're a great poet!!

D'awwwwwwwwwww, this was cute. I like it.

But I can remember the intricate
Dances of the sparks
And the taste of your lips.

Um, dances of what sparks? This doesn't make any sense...

It’s funny, how I can imagine what
Your voice
Sounds like,
Without ever hearing it.

I think you broke this up too much and it just interrupts the flow. I would put the second and third lines together.

But that would make this far too long.

So let me wrap this up

Hmm, I don't really like this...

And I’ll feel better, because
Even though you’re a whole ocean away
You’re still looking up at the same sky as I am.

Love this part! Actually, I really like everything from here to the end.

Yay! Good job Shay-shay <3 sorry this is a stinky review but I have to go to bed!!!

I’ve seen your face
In an old picture,
And maybe in a dream or two.

Great start

Dances of the sparks,

Although Kitten didn't understand this line I like it

Without ever hearing it.

She's never heard his voice? Or did you mean 'Without ever hearing it anymore.'?

I already know I’m a little
Insane at times.

This is kind of random, it gets a bit off-topic and interrupts the poems flow.

But I do know you, Trevor, I do!

Eeee-eeeer... It's harder for the reader to visualize having the emotion of this poem if you mention a name. There's kind of a rule that you shouldn't really mention names in love poems...

But that would make this far too long,

So let me wrap this up.

Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Shayyyy, you can never say 'let me wrap this up'! Or 'But that would make this far too long.'! It interrupts the flow and is randommm.

And I’ll feel better, because,

“I love you.”

And I’ll wait for you, Trevor. (<--- Again with the name...
I’ll wait for you. (<--- Nice ending line

Ok, so this poem was really great but I think it dragged on a bit. The flow was ok and the word structure felt like it needed some more, fancier words (try finding a key words in 3-5 of the stanzas then replacing that with a fancier word ). Other than that though, I really loved the emotion!!

Great job, Shay-Shay

Keep writing,
Nixy

Amazing. The kind of feeling which you have expressed here is usually quite difficult to put into words. I am saying this because I have experienced it, too. But, you've done an awesome job. I really loved it. Especially the sky thing. Very nice poetry. Keep up you amazing work.

Hai there
So first off, I'd like to say I enjoyed this for the most part. It had a great idea, although I think I should point a few things out. Justagirl pointed out most of what I noticed, like the use of his name, it really threw the whole thing off for me, naming is a big no-no. Also, in a few places you interupted the flow. Like "I already know I'm a little insane sometimes" is random (like Justagril said) and doesn't really mesh with the idea of the poem itself. I love the first stanza, it's a great start. If you go back and edit a few things I'm sure you're finished product will flow much better and give out more of the emotional hook it seemed like you were looking for. All and all, well done. Keep writing