Young Writers Society

Flowers clutched in her fist,
The bangles that danced on her wrist.
Her white frock that flowed,
Waved in the sweet breeze that blowed.
The smile on her face,
The very essence of grace!
The sun in the west set,
Birds that dotted the sky returned to their nest.
Fisherman pulled in their boat,
Laughter amid nature wrote.
Waves kissed the golden shore,
She sniffed in the salty air grinning at the oceans roar.
The golden glow enlightened her face,
Her free hand played with her frocks satin lace.
The breeze grew stronger,
As night grew closer.
A silent tear escaped her eyes,
Eyes that could not see.
She could see no beauty delights,
She has no light
On the beach a cloaked man rode,
On burnished hooves his horse trod.
He rode with eyes burning bright,
Under the sky now night.
He unmounted and came to stand near,
She breathed in fear. . .
%u201CFear not sweet girl%u201D
Something in the voice made her warm.
He took her hand in his,
On her head planted a kiss.
She was put into a mild trance,
Doing of his countenance.
%u201CWhat is thy name, dear?%u201D
In a whisper she said%u201D May Pear%u201D
%u201CTake care May%u201D
And he disappeared with that say.
Something dazzled bright,
Streaks of light.
Her eye lids fluttered ,
Dusk beheld her eyes.
She saw!
Heart of pure,
She was given the cure.
The gift of sight.
For those who think the world beautiful,
Get the sight to the creation of nature.
Nature sent an angel that night,
To fulfill the only wish of the girl who wanted to see her.
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Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

I really like this! I really enjoy reading narrative poetry because it's the best of both worlds. It's a story that focuses on imagery and is poetic. Well, it doesn't always have to focus on imagery, but my point is, it's a story in poetic form. This story is great as a poem. I honestly think it's better like this than if you had written it as a short story. It's sweet and I found myself saying "Aw!" at the end. I thought it was a nice ending.

As for your actual writing, the poem flowed really well. All of the lines are short and the few lines that are longer fit in with the flow. Your rhyme scheme is good, but I couldn't really tell what kind it was. It doesn't really matter though because the rhyming sounds good. The only thing I really have to suggest for this is maybe you should've broken it up into a couple of stanzas. I feel like it just goes on and on and never really pauses. That's just my opinion, you don't have to do that.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. It's a good story and you did a good job adding imagery and emotion into it. Keep writing!

Hi! Welcome to the YWS!
I just loved your poem! The descriptions you made are really good, it flows perfectly. And the end is so nice!

manisha wrote:A silent tear escaped her eyes,
Eyes that could not see.
She could see no beauty delights,
She has no light

I loved this part. And I like how you describe the beauty of where she is before saying she can't see it.

manisha wrote:He unmounted and came to stand near,
She breathed in fear. . .

I think you should expand "She breathed in fear". This line is too short. Maybe: "Alarmed, she breathed in fear" (it is just an idea)

manisha wrote:%u201CFear not sweet girl%u201D
Something in the voice made her warm.
He took her hand in his,
On her head planted a kiss.

The best part, for me.

manisha wrote:Heart of pure,
She was given the cure.
The gift of sight.
For those who think the world beautiful,
Get the sight to the creation of nature.
Nature sent an angel that night,
To fulfill the only wish of the girl who wanted to see her.

The end is really great, but it is different from the rest of the poem. There is no rhyme here. Maybe that was intentional, I don't know...
Anyway, your poem is amazing and lovely! Congratulations!
If you need any help, opinion, or just someone to have a conversation with, feel free to PM me or make a comment on my wall. I hope you get many helpful reviews! I'm terribly sorry if mine wasn't.
Again, welcome here and let us hear from you again soon.

This was jumpy to say the least.

You are trying to give interesting imagery. I can see that and as much as I would like to gulp it all down, I don't think I can. Not specifically, in any case. That being said, lets break this down smoothly so we can get a better picture of what you're trying to do here.

First and foremost, you fall into a very basic pattern. By that, I mean you try and combine prose and poetry together. You use a poetic structure to write a story instead of writing a poem, so we get something that is very blatant, very straight-forward, and lacking in pretty much everything that makes poetry what it is. Not that this is a bad thing, though. On the contrary. You have yourself a start.

And what do I mean by start? Well, you start by listing. Listing is a great way of getting things off your chest so that you can pick certain aspects in which you would like to expand on. Imagery is not the only kind of poetic device that is useful, after all. Metaphor might be your best friend if you use it correctly.

In any case, a start is always necessary. A reason or an inkling towards what you want to do and what you can do. Now, as a writer, I feel that this lacks a certain purpose, as if you wanted to speak about something simply because you won't have to write for ages about it. Your writing lacks that profound emotion or the 'from the heart' sort of ideology simply because you were caught up in simply trying to write a piece of poetry and one in which sounded interesting. The problem being, most readers of poetry will see this for what it is. A lot of pretty words with no substance.

So give yourself a theme. Make sure its there and be very adamant on it. If you jump around too much like you did above, we end the poem and think 'okay, what was the point of that?' instead of thinking 'wow, that was profound'.

A good way of practicing theme rather than diction would be to get rid of that atrocious rhyming scheme. Its awkward and there's a break in it that doesn't even rhyme, to be quite frank. Poetry doesn't need that heavy structure to come across as being well written, as long as you have the theme and diction to pull it off.

Pretty much, what I want you to do from this point on is really think about your poetry. About the images you want people to take and the theme in which you want us to get from it. If it tells a story, make sure the story is one in which has a reason. Don't simply write about something because it sounds poetic. Write about what you know and what you've experienced for yourself. Without theme, you have nothing but words. Without reason, your poem is merely a couple lines describing a setting, better off being apart of prose than poetry -- and poetry and prose are two completely different things, so keep that in mind.

You're starting out rather well, but there is still a far way to go.

~Walker