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Young Writers Society


To Define Suffering



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Fri Sep 23, 2011 6:20 am
Maddy says...



To define suffering is to define feeling.

Everybody hurts, everybody loves,
Everybody discovers rage and sadness.
But suffering bears the disguise of pressure,
And preys on our insecurities.

​Do you notice that woman across the street?
She wears the loveliest flower dress,
And earrings made from gold.
Her children with the rosy cheeks
Squeal as they play in the yard.
Her husband comes home at the brink of dusk,
With a heavy head and dead arms,
And pecks her on the cheek on his way to the door.

She is the politest woman you know,
And the prettiest one, too,​
She could never utter a single word,
If demeaning it would be.
She's always cheery, willing to give a hand,
But her eyes are distant and thoughtful.
You assume there's something on her mind,
But don't bother to mention it.
And besides, she's probably concerned about making someone's life spectacular, as she always is.

​​But look closely. She is a woe-man.​

​Pride is too stubborn to admit a disease,
And so every day, the pain ,
And she wipes away the silent tears every morning.
Admission would not prove only shame,
But to blame the husband is pure blasphemy.​
Such a tragedy to watch her deteriorate,
Until one day, she doesn't step outside.
An ambulance comes howling,
And her fragile figure is lifted away.

Did you look closely, were you expectant?

Did you notice that youth on his bicycle?
I bet you misjudged his intentions.
A snarky person beside you,
Whispers quietly the town gossip.
Oh, but that's the boy accused of the worst!
The one awaiting trial for the crime unspoken,
Against an innocent, pure girl.
His piercings appear threatening, now,
His set face a sign of evil,
His acne proof of malevolence,
And his clothes expose his rage.

The rumour clouds your vision with hate,
How dare he waltz the streets with pride!
This kid's a foul, selfish rapist,
For a eternity he deserves to be locked away.

But look closely. He is abused.

There's no denying his dreadful act,
But he is not the criminal here,
For what you don't know is that way back home
Something ugly's out to get him.​
Never did you meet a man as his father,
And I prey madly that you never will,
He's a psychopath of the repulsive kind,
Addicted to sex and drugs,
A fetish for teasing the lower class,
Of his own-ranked hierarchy system.

I wish you could understand that youth's pain.
See, he has aspirations, too.​
But with the looming cloud of lost innocence
He's abandoned all hope.
The scar he carries,
Carved deep through his memories,
Might not be serious or life-threatening,
But they're fresh.
He remembers with scary detail,
When his dad went off the rails-
When the air consumed the silence
With screams of him and that pure , pure girl.
He recalls those beautiful eyes-
As he plunged into her,
Whilst his father cheered on drunkenly-
Full of inexpressible, confused pain.

Did you look closely? I doubt you did.

​Do you notice that child at the park you walked by?
Did you see him there all alone?
I guess he's hiding from his parents, you reason,
And keep on walking by.
He looks so miserable, swinging alone, kicking the ground to push off dejectedly.
So you stop.
You're reminded of those stories-
The lesson's you've learned.
And for a second, you consider not approaching,
But his blues change your mind.

Did you look closely? I guess you did.

​It doesn't take long before he spill his guts,
The poor kid needed guidance,
There was nobody he could turn to,
'cept a stranger who stopped by.
He explains to you the source
Of his everlasting troubles-
His parents ignore him, his grades are low,
And the school kids pick on him.
You chat until the sun is low,
And you make that boy a promise:
That from now, on, you say, whilst giving a number,
If you ever need help, I'm a phone-call away.



/NOTE: Please rip it apart. I want to make certain that I haven't screwed up the tenses. c:
Last edited by Maddy on Sat Sep 24, 2011 4:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:37 am
UrbanNomad says...



Maddy...

The poem's strength was that it was literal, non ambiguous and very easy to relate to. Many people could benefit from 'looking more closely' and not judging others solely on outward portrayal. So yes, this piece was nice to read in that respect.

If I could make some suggestions they may help you further imporve this writng. I noticed that while the poem is written to be straight forward, easily accessible etc you may benefit from the general rule in poetry of 'don't tell but show'. So for example 'pride is too stubborn to admit a disease' should be re written in such a way that you do not force this idea on the reader, but the line itself alludes to the concept of stubborness indirectly. I would write something like "pride rotting with it's mouth firmly closed" (maybe). See, the strength of showing the reader rather than telling the reader is that it lets them interpret the poem's rather good message without feeling indoctrinated by the opinion of the poet.

Length is long, this is not always a bad thing. Most poetry collections I read are sizeable so it is all right. However, considering the role of the internet, you may find that writing a poem with this many stanzas detracts from the effectiveness of the work. I did feel slightly overwhelmed by how much was on the page. Perhaps remove some of your character descriptions and focus just on the teenager and the housewife (the housewife portrayal was the poem's greatest feature).

Your poem reminded me a lot of a piece titled "Ballad of Calvary Street" by James K. Baxter. He was one of the greatest poets of the 20th century. I suggest you have a look online at his poem and maybe grasp some inspiration from that poem as it has great imagery of monotonous housework, subordination and definitely defines suffering.

Well done with the poem, it was cool to read. :)
Oliver
  





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Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:18 pm
Deanie says...



Hi Maddy, its nice to meet you.

For a start I love the title. And the beginning line was good too. I love the story behind this poem, how you are telling three peoples story and then finally the person learns his lesson and looks a bit closer. I think this has a very important message that people need to learn.

I am not very good at grammar and all that so I can't help you there. But there are two things that need adjusting. One is:

Maddy wrote:You've reminded of those stories-
I think you mean to put you're reminded. That would make more sense.

The second thing is in the poem I can see little boxes in at random points in the poem. Is this because of the computer or did you want them there? I don't know but they confused me a little.

I really liked this poem! Keep writing!

Deanie x
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:40 am
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Audy says...



Maddy,

Overall the poem delivers a powerful message - but note that everything is explicitly said and told and you don't allow for any real experience to be had. What you are posting is a list of ideas, organized and tied together to resemble a poetic form. This is good! This is the basic foundation. Now try to take it in a different direction. Use more images! Use more metaphors! Make me directly experience what suffering is, don't just define it.

Everybody hurts, everybody loves,
Everybody discovers rage and sadness.
But suffering bears the disguise of pressure,
And preys on our insecurities.


Right from the start, you use generalities. "Everybody" "loves" "sadness" "rage" These words are all abstractions! I mean, what is sadness? What is love? We cannot see these things. We cannot taste them or hear them. These are all emotions and emotions are different for everybody. Different in all degrees. We all experience these things differently, so when you say "sadness" you fail to put me into the poem. You fail to make me experience the sadness. What kind of "pressure" is it that you're talking about, peer pressure? Poetry BEGS to be precise. Find stronger words that uses sensory language. Create images! Let us experience this!

Do you notice that woman across the street?

I feel that line was unneeded. I mean, what does it really contribute? Descriptions are all we need.

She is the politest woman you know,

Politest a word?

And the prettiest one, too,​


That's all very fine and well, but you are telling us all of this. How is she pretty? You tell us her dress is lovely, how is it lovely? Talk to us about these flowers. What is unique about this lady?

She could never utter a single word,
If demeaning it would be.


Awkward phrasing, but I sort of don't mind. I myself love awkward lines. It causes us to stop and admire it for saying things differently.

And besides, she's probably concerned about making someone's life spectacular, as she always is.


Don't you think this line is kind of long and interrupts the flow?

​​But look closely. She is a woe-man.​


Haha. Pun.


But to blame the husband is pure blasphemy.​
Such a tragedy to watch her deteriorate,


Too much intervening. Not enough poetry. Telling is not showing.

Did you look closely, were you expectant?

Did you notice that youth on his bicycle?

Why ask us the question and why not just tell us? Or show us, I mean.

This kid's a foul, selfish rapist,
For a eternity he deserves to be locked away.


WHAT? He's a rapist? That came out of left field!

But look closely. He is abused.

I'm not a fan of all these "do you notice...did you see..." I mean, what is the purpose? It sounds like you're berating your readers :/ Later on you say "I doubt you did" I mean, I kind of understand the whole general statement of people not looking close enough past the surface - that issues tend to born of deeper issues. But you can say all of that just us well without the "do you, did you" stuff.

Oi, all of a sudden near the end it's second person? I mean - besides the speaker questioning us, all of a sudden we get an action role? How jarring! Dx Not at all comfortable with second person. That should be done in the hands of an expert.
I don't see how it contributes much to the piece, either.

Well, it could use some work. I feel it does function well as a narrative though and there were parts here and there that were strong. Other parts could be cut out, seemed a bit repetitive and maybe the piece a bit too long. But other than that, it was pretty good. You're a competent writer, so keep writing! I would love to see the revision of this.

~ As always Audy
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:49 pm
Glauke says...



This was a great piece; it flowed very smoothly and fluently expressed emotions. It was fluid and descriptive, and it's not often that you see a poem in the second person. You made it work, though! All the best to you. Keep writing! :)
❁❁❁

be still, sad heart, and cease repining
behind the clouds is the sun still shining
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:49 pm
paintingtherain97 says...



This is really good. I like the name. It kind of draws you in. You know it's going to be depressing, but you read it the way you stare at a fiery car crash on the side of the interstate. You just know you can't ignore it. Anyway, I've written poems on similar subjects, and they aren't nearly this good. But for the overall mood, it is a bit texty for a poem, you know? I think it may need some more figurative language or something. But I love how you dug deeper than most people dig. Keep up the good work.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.
  








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