Feet.

Feet. One, two, three.
Each one different,
Encrusted with dirt,
the skin is leather.
He takes them with his hands,
dips them in the basin,
one by one,
rubs the dirt out.
He washes them all,
twenty-four, in a row
Until they are clean.

His back aches as he straightens,
Draws off the towel,
Dons his robes again.

He turns and sees the eyes
Looking at him.

Eyes, twenty-four of them,
All staring at him.
Dark eyes, light,
clouded, and earthy,
Surrounded by creases,
Squinted in confusion,
With dark, beautiful lashes,
And blood-shot eyes,
And innocent,
And guilty.
All look into his.

And he stares back.
His voice,
"Do you understand
what I have done for you?"

I am not 100% sure I understand this poem. And, I don't know if that is because the message is unclear because of the lack of content or my lax in the subject matter.

From what I can grasp, it is a subject overdone. Though, I will admit your prespective was different and 'exciting.' That is to say, if what I think it is, is truely what it is.

Honesty, I didn't care much for the poem. And, I felt it was a little 'lack luster' up until the end. The ending was nice.

I'm not sure I exactly understood your review either. Did you or did you not understand what the poem was about? I couldn't tell from what you said. And if you did, what did you think it was about? I thought it was pretty clear, but I could be wrong.

I thought that it was perhaps about Jesus Christ. Jesus being the speaker. However, I really have no basis since He had only twelve apostles and you uses 'twenty-four' unnamed, unidentifiable peoples/forces/etc. So, I couldn't determine anything.

So, I read it again ... again ... and again ... still nothing. I couldn't figure it out. I can honestly say "I have no idea what this is about."

So, maybe that will answer your question.

I believe your first assumption was correct, adrian. Times twelve by two for each two feet and each two eyes of the disciples and you get twenty-four.

So, first the subject matter I suppose. It's interesting. I haven't read many poems written from the perspective of 'God' or 'Jesus' so I found this quite unique.

I think the words need work though. What are you trying to show through this? That the reader 'you' is part of God perhaps? As good as God? Or is it a re-telling of the story through poetry? That's how it feels at the moment, which is fine because the story needs to be told (I'm not religious but I love the moral aspects of the bible stories) but it's good to try to evoke an emotion in the reader. Maybe tell it in such a way that another side to it is shown?

Here's some more specific feedback -

Feet. One, two, three.
You wash them all, twenty-four,
In a row
Until they are clean. [I'm not sure about this as a start? Maybe describe one foot first. The bruises and callouses of it, how they tell a person's story, a person's life. How the dirt is cleaned away so the person may start again; cleansed of dirt, cleansed of sin.]

Your back aches as you straighten,
Draw off the towel,
Don your robes again.

You turn and see the eyes
Looking at you.

Eyes, twenty-four of them,
All staring at you.
Dark eyes, light,
Earthy ones, [Maybe use a metaphor here? Maybe 'Dark eyes, light earthy mounds and fat green bushes in need of a trim.' I think you should just work on the symbolism a bit more. Afterall, the bible stories are filled with symbolism.]
Surrounded by creases,
Squinted in confusion,
With dark, beautiful lashes,
And blood-shot eyes,
And innocent,
And guilty.
All look into yours.

And you stare back.
Your voice,
"Do you understand
what I have done for you?" [I like the speech but maybe build up to it more?]

In general, I think you have a good, natural tone and I liked this but it has the potential to be so much better. You've chosen a great theme and I'd love to see you expand it. I'm going to be away for the next nine days so that gives you plenty of time to make improvements before I tear it to pieces again, haha. Seriously though, if you ever want me to take a second look, I'd be glad to.

Heather xx

As much s I think you can write poems, it just seems to me that you lack... ideas. I mean, feet? If you like narrative, I would reccomend just sitting, just think and wondering what one earth you could write about. I just didn't care about it, it didn't... compell me if you will.

You are a good poet, but I think you really need to carry on with thinking up ideas and doing them. The tone is very good, and puctuation is spot on, but need I say more than I already have?

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Kitty, I changed the point of view this time, because this is a retelling of the story, and I realized that even though I hadn't meant anything by putting it from Jesus' point of view, you were wondering whether I meant something by it, whether it was supposed to "show that the reader is part of God perhaps." I definately wasn't trying to say that, so I had to change it, even though, like you said, it made the poem unique. Or do you think I should leave it from His point of view?

I think I understand, Aedomir. I do like narrative poetry, although it's not my normal style. Thanks for saying I'm a good poet:) You're right, I do need more ideas, and, I'll do what you said.

I'm sure it needs more work, just let me know what you think of the changes.


*adna*

Ugh. I cannot crit poetry. What I can tell you though, is that I enjoyed the poem. Although when you first started it out, maybe you could have gone into a bit more detail. When you speak about their eyes, speak about what's inside them. "Clouded, worried, confused. Earthy, curious, observant." Something to give the reader more depth.

No grammatical errors. Yay!

I'm not good at interpreting poems, so er, mind PMing me about what it means?

You did a great job with this! And the choppiness (I don't know a better word) made it pretty dramatic, which I loved. Why didn't you tell me you were a fabulous poet?

Keep Writing! A swear to god, if you don't..

I can look like this :

~*Sara*~

Wow!! Amazing!!!
I believe I don't have anything else to say except this...
Dang!!!! That's really good!!!
:]
Keep it up!!


-BG-

Locked.