The Samberine

For an explanatory moment
I felt I should sit down and connote
Whilst shaking my head, it inspires my eyes
This samberine which you speak of.
It blinds my secular music
When a dancer dances the samba. And sambas across the floor
To the tune of the tamberine
THAT. Right there, is a samberine

This is good as far as information goes, but it doesn't work as a poem.

TheUnknownPoet wrote:It blinds my secular music

This line doesn't work. It seems like it should (synesthesia should work) but it just falls flat and detracts.

TheUnknownPoet wrote:When a dancer dances the samba. And sambas across the floor
To the tune of the tamberine
THAT. Right there, is a samberine

Mediocre finish. It needs to have a little more oomph and emotion in it before it becomes really interesting.

It's a little too prosy for me. There isn't much emotion or feeling in it. It sounds...dry. Add a few strong words and it might be better...but a "definition poem" doesn't seem like it'll work.

So really there's not much real poem to this. It doesn't make me feel anything, it's too telling and not showing us anything, and it's a little bland. You want to give it some depth, more interesting lines and as said before, oomph. Because right now it's just... *Shrug* doesn't have enough strength in it.

Really - it's another interestin experiment on VOICE isn't it! At least I can actually comprehend what's going on here, unlike a couple of other poems of yours!

Anyway.

I see what's it meant to be. Like a cute note in a mental diary of someone clearly well spoken. It sounds officious - but the shortness of it is what makes it sweet, since you don't harp on about it, but leave us with that one snug little image.

For an explanatory moment
I felt I should sit down and connote
Whilst shaking my head, it inspires my eyes
This samberine which you speak of.

I liked the first two lines. They have a rather 'I-feel-like-I've-seen-sth-amazing-that-should-be-in-a-poem-so-I-feel-obliged-to-write-this' feeling to it - too often, I see scraps of images that I think belong in poems. That 'shake-of-the-head' style formal language sounds like the character is breaking their own norms of what they do by sitting down and writing the poem, as if they feel compelled to write, and then compelled to confess why they did it. Marvellous.

The lines: 'Whilst shaking my head, it inspires my eyes/ This samberine which you speak of,' didn't make perfect sense - sure, I got the idea, but that clunkiness disrupted the flow.

It blinds my secular music
When a dancer dances the samba. And sambas across the floor

Erm...secular music? So, it's all very well to be officious, but not to the detriment to the learned reader. But the next line was very...dancey. The whole line looks like it's doing some kind of samba, with that leaping repetition.

To the tune of the tamberine
THAT. Right there, is a samberine

This poem should have finished on the second to last line. Remember - we are pretty intelligent readers - we WILL figure it out! 'Samba + tamberine = samberine' - that's not that hard. Plus, leave something for the reader to figure out and feel good about having understood, instead of spoiling the mystery by a rather sloppy 'THAT' statement.