Young Writers Society

Okay, so i know this poem needs a lot of work, I just wrote this without really thinking or anything, and I feel the ending needs some work..so I would love comments from you!




I think of you,
of the moment we caressed.
You're scent intoxicating,
motions running slow.
I can feel the vibrations in me,
feel my satisfaction growing,
feel you pulsating.
You slither around my body,
taunting, teasing.
What a temptress.
You close your arms around me,
I'm short of breath.
You taste the sweat drip off me,
fire burns in my core.
And like the seductress you are
you leave as fast as you came.
Panting as you leave,
No, please stay!
You are the apple of my eye!
That match that ignites me!
The soul that completes mine!
Cliches roll off my tongue
with no effect to you,
as you turn back only to say,
"Look at what you've become.
Look around, to the wrongs you've done.
Look around, to what you've abandoned.
Look inside, to what's left standing...
I don't need your 'love'."
And you left,
creating an overbearing seafoam tsunami.
Crawling on the floor, I picked up the pieces
of what was left of you.
I rubbed the papers in my hand,
nothing that my heart could use.
Mortified of who would love me
and scared of what I would do alone.
That word traveled through my heart,
and pumped, pumped my fear.
Pumping fast, quick,
heart rate speeding up,
panting fast.
I can't breathe.
I can't see.
I can't smell.
I can't.
Seconds drag by
as I lie on the floor.
Minutes pass by
as I begin to cry.
Hours pass by
as I clean the house.
Days pass by
as I do absolutely nothing.
Weeks pass by
as you reject my apologies.
Months pass by
as I discover who loves me.
And the years pass by
where I am enlightened,
loved, and accepted,
always, by Him.

Emily! I never knew you wrote poetry.

Okay! So your poem... at first I thought you were talking about what would happen in real life and stuff, but then by the end I got confused. Are you talking literally or allegorically? And I'm asking because the ending totally makes it sound allegorical... as if the temptress or seductress was Satan or something... though the temptress could be God... but in that case, it seems a little weird!

So! I am going to assume that this is a more allegorical or religious poem, just because the ending seems more like that and that makes it more interesting to me. If this poem isn't meant to be like that... well... revise the ending. Anyway, my thoughts:

Introduce more aspects of Satan! Satan is EVIL. He's not just about lust (though that can be a huge part, of course). There's a lot more and he can really abandon us in every way possible... so make the sense of abandonment a lot more clear. Right now, it seems like he just leaves her just because... there's no real sense of evil. So have fun with that!

Introduce God's coming! You have the narrator waste away and then suddenly she is enlightened by God? It doesn't make sense, really! As a recently born-again Christian, I really really had to struggle with the whole concept of bringing God into my life. It really is a struggle! So definitely highlight that a lot more.

Good luck with revising this!

Thanks for the revisions Snoink
It was meant to be literal, and then the end to have some religous meaning. I wanted it to be able to be interpreted either way. Maybe I should leave "him" lowercased then?

But there is a lot of buildup I'm missing, and detail.
It's actually about a girl or guy who is addicted to sex and hires prostitutes, and his/her obsession takes the place of love or any feeling in his/her heart.

Hahaha, maybe! But I kind of like that ambiguity.

Anyway, if you want your story to take precedence in your poem, consider making the details more specific. So, for instance, you may consider using more specific language and describing it in further detail... leave no room for ambiguity! Which is a good thing to get practiced in anyway, especially in poetry. There are so few words used in poems that the vague and colorless ambiguities should probably be cut out.