The Lions

edited

Hi Rose. The things I saw in the poem was that it was a little hard to read. When the line breaks are like that it is a little strange when you pause. It is better to break at commas or at the end of sentences; if you aren't going to do that you should keep the breaking consistent. Also there were some parts that needed a period at the end. If you read back through you can see where the end marks should be. If you aren't sure put them where you naturally pause when reading it. Now I can't really say much about the story here because I haven't read the Hemingway poem so I don't know how well you responded to it. Good luck with the poem.

Hope I helped.

~peanut~

I really enjoyed this piece. I can't think of much else to say, it was well-written and I don't think it needs excessive punctuation, I tend to like poems that have sparse markings, I don't know why

antimelrose wrote:Proudly ignored eachother,

eachother should be each other, I don't know if you did that on purpose but it was jarring.
Besides that, great job with imagery. This was a really good piece.
Keep writing,
Empress

Hello! I'm Mizz Iceberg.
I enjoyed reading this. The description was absolutely beautiful. It flowed quite well, except for in some places, where I felt it was rather choppy. I think you intentionally meant to arrange it that way, but in my opinion it didn't quite work out.

Personally, when I'm writing a poem and it there's a sentence that I divide into lines I don't capitalize the first letter of the line continuing the sentence.
For example:

It was almost dusk
Under the bright African sun
When the lions came forth
On the gleaming, glittering white
Shores–
They roared
They frolicked.

It was almost dusk
under the bright African sun
when the lions came forth
on the gleaming, glittering white
shores–
They roared,
they frolicked.

I feel it flows better, and doesn't seem so choppy and abrupt. I hope that was helpful. Overall, great job! See you around.

I felt that the arrangement of the story was good, but it was a little to hard to read. The only lines of the poem that made me stop and look again was

On the gleaming, glittering white
Shores–
They roared

this because it just felt strange to have shores dangling off the end.

Overall I felt it was a very nice piece, but next time try to make it in a smoother format so that it flows better.

Thank you everyone for your reviews! I'll try to revise it some more... and next time I post something I'll try not to make the format so jolting.

Peanut19: I really appreciated your for your review, but I have one tiny correction about The Old Man and the Sea: it's a book, not a poem.

Thanks again,

–antimelrose

Hey there!

This is nice, I really enjoyed it! Your description is beautiful, and you write in a lovely style. The rhythm was odd in occasions, but other people have mention that. One thing I would say is that your transition between points in your poem is quite thin on the ground; you tend to jump from place to place, which is kind of jarring. but it's not too bad!

~Amy

Hello,

I liked this but I thought it was a bit of a broken rhythm because you broke off the sentences before they finished and used another line. However I like the idea, I havn't read the other poem so I don't know what it was a response to but I really enjoyed it. I think that your description of the lions is very good and it was a very enjoyable read.

Well Done,
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Hi! I'm Grin, it's nice to meet you.

I'm afraid I can't add anything more than what's already been said. Lydia's right, the rhythm is a bit broken. But honestly, there's not very much I can complain about. I really enjoyed it, it was interesting where often stuff like this gets a little drab. But Peanut and Empress have snagged the constructivism, I'm afraid.

Well done, though, it was lovely.
~Grin

Hey, Antimel!

Decent.


> On structure,

You're good. I would recommend removing capital letters at the beginning of lines, unless it's a proper noun, because you're putting emphasis where it's not due, and halting flow. I do appreciate your enjambment, though. It works well in this poem; a nice driving force.


> On Words,

It seemed to me like the lions was a metaphor for the sea. If I'm wrong, you can totally disregard this, but it kind of went cardboard-y when you said "the tide" flat out. I would've liked to see a maintaining metaphor instead of this giving in and telling us what it is.

Aside, I like your calm, easy wording choice. It carries the poem forward in a wonderful way, not too fast. Slow, not laboriously so, but nicely. Good job. Also, because this is so short, I'd restrict the usage of "they" to about once to keep it sweet.

Best of luck and all of the best,

June

Though I am not quite good at understanding metaphors and hidden meanings,I still feel this was a good poem simply because of the description.

The pride,arrogance and the sense of awe people get on seeing the king of the jungle has been brought out well.

The part where they disappeared into twilight was well thought of.

Good luck with your writing