dont let him take you down

The best of the best have sleepless nights
They just can’t evade his grip so tight

Every day as he passes by
Many a men than say god bye

He took your love, he took your friend
He’ll soon come back to put you to an end

The believers I see might pray someday
To ask almighty to keep him away

But that won’t happen it won’t be done
Immortality has come to none

But don’t fear him and stress your brow
He can’t take away the moment right now

The time before he comes belongs to you
So live your life, do the best you can do!

hello there crits are in bold

Young gun wrote:The best of the best have sleepless nights;
They can’t evade his grip, so tight (took out the "just". kinda helps the rhythm)

Every day as he passes by,
Many a man then says goodbye.

He took your love, he took your friend.
He’ll soon come back for your end. perhaps something like "wanted" before "end" might help the flow?

The believers I see might pray someday
To ask Almighty to keep him away.

But that won’t happen- it won’t be done.
Immortality has come to none.

But don’t fear him and stress your brow (hmm.. stress your brow? sound kinda awkward if ya ask me..)He can’t take away the moment right now.

The time before he comes belongs to you (maybe put something like "right now" in place of "before he comes, as that helps rhythm..)
So live your life, do the best you can do!

Nice piece. I really liked it! The only thing wrong with this poem is your use of punctuation and capitalization. You should use it normally, as if you were writing prose. But other than that, it was awesome!


-ash

Hey, Young! (Thanks for the review on "Red Cup Wishes"!) I'm Jon!

Let me start off by saying that I would like to see more punctuation. Now, I realize that not all poetry has to have it, but as a style choice, I usually do. (Which totally doesn't mean you have to!) However, using commas in selected places throughout a poem can help with the flow a lot. Keep it in mind.

The best of the best have sleepless nights

This is a fantastic first line! Wonderful. (The second line...not so much! )

They just can’t evade his grip so tight

Now, I like this line, but it's worded oddly. I know that it's Inversion, but it doesn't seem to work right here. Instead of saying his grip is tight, use a adjective to describe how tight it is. Maybe it's trancing, controlling, or powerful. (I know you used 'tight', but we have the whole english language at our fingertips!) Use everything in your arsenal of words to make it great. Now moving on to the inversion.

Many a men than say god bye

"Good bye...not God bye?"

He’ll soon come back to put you to an end

This line is too lengthy with the syllables. Try to cut it down some. Try, "He'll soon come back for your end." you have a poem here that is supposed to flow quickley, and then you have spots in here that interupt that. For such a shorter poem, you need to make it flow nice.

But that won’t happen, it won’t be done

Use a comma where I've bolded it. It makes no sense as is.

Immortality has come to none

I love the flow in this line. It feels so natural. Good Job!

He can’t take away the moment [s]right[/s] now

Get rid of 'right'. It adds too many syllables and stops the flow.



Overal: I htought it could have been better. I would have like to see more imagery, you told us a lot. (You have to show us sometimes.) Anyway, keep trying and try to fix this up!


---Jon---

Thanks for the reviews people.I'll try to improve this if I can.

Young gun wrote:The best of the best have sleepless nights
They just can’t evade his grip so tight

Every day as he passes by
Many a men than say god bye

He took your love, he took your friend
He’ll soon come back to put you to an end

The believers I see might pray someday
To ask almighty to keep him away

But that won’t happen it won’t be done
Immortality has come to none

But don’t fear him and stress your brow
He can’t take away the moment right now

The time before he comes belongs to you
So live your life, do the best you can do!

Hello Young, it's me Vernon, now ya know I'm harsh, but ya'll be happy to know, I really liked this, I like how it's vague and never explains what it is. But ya made a error IMO, you should have kept Death sexless, kept it as an it, as death, shouldn't be personified, because since most of the time death is shown as a skeleton dude, and only if ya study bones ya can tell if they're male or female by bones... Point is, should have kept it without a gender, I kinda went on there.

Another small complaint is the explanation mark at the end, it's too showy, a full stop would work better here, or even ellipces, yeh ellipces. But nothing about this really bothered too much, except those small things, I'm giving this a star.

Good luck
VSN