To Lily

oh my gosh! that was so sad! I almost started crying!
Please tell me this is fiction!
I don't know if there is anything I want you to change.....
Please tell me this is fiction before I start crying more!
If this is a true story, I am so sorry, I wish this had never happened.

I'll be praying for you!

Keep writing!

Whoa. Wow. Um, onto the critique of this super-sad poem.

sending it across the room
into a million pieces.

You're missing "shattering" before "into"

You're still close to me

maybe closer than you were,

before you ended your life,
with my necklace around your neck.

So, either put each of these lines as their own stanzas, or group them all together. I'd like to see each line as their own stanza.

Wow.

The best way to read this poem is out loud. You really mimic the speech-pattern of sobbing. It caused me to choke up!

I.... I can't say anything more.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

this is just so sad!

my eyes are still tearing up!

Wow... That's all I can think to say about this piece.
It was moving, dramatic, beautifully structured, and horrible that this happened to you.

There's only one little thing that i would change about it;

Remember the little ceramic statue
of the two friends in the grass
that played music then you winded it up?
You gave it to me when I was twelve.
I picked that up and I threw it,
sending it across the room
into a million pieces.
I didn't regret it,
because my heart was shattered
into so much more.

I would change it to something more like "into so many more" It just makes me want to change it to many more automaticly when i read it. I just think it would make it read easier with that word changed.

I'll pray for you
I'm so sorry; I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through...and might still be going through.
Though this poem really captured...what, I'm not sure. But whatever it was, you nailed it.

I have only one correction.
"when you winded it up" should probably be "when you wound it up"
unless you mean that you can still wind it. But its broken so you probably can't.
So sorry. Those words aren't enough.

I have tears in my eyes! Truly; they were springing up when I read it. It was heart wrenching in a beautiful and sad way. The poem showed true emotions that everyone faces and reached me on many levels. A beautiful, sad piece.

That day,

When I told you

how stupid you were,

and I said that

you needed to grow up,

and move on



I didn't really mean it.



I was foolish,

and stupid

and I spoke

before I thought.



I didn't mean it.



And, now, I wish I never breathed a single word



I regretted it,

I really did.

But, I thought

you needed to

hear it





I didn't pick up the phone,

dial your number,

and say the words

that replayed

at the back of my head:



I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry



It was my phone that rang.





And your number flashed

on the orange screen.



I ignored it.

I was stupid.

And I went to bed,

hating myself.









It was four a.m.

when it rang again;



I never woke

to the telephone before,

but as it rang, continuous,

besides my bed, I reached for it



and when I saw

your house number,

my heart jumped

and I almost didn't answer



But I did.





And your mother

was screaming

and crying

and asking me why





I tried

to understand her;

My ears wouldn't listen,

Maybe I could have,

If I tried--

but then;



She's dead



The world stopped turning at that moment,



My ears stopped working completely,



My hands couldn't hold the phone anymore;



It fell to the floor.





I was frozen;

the world was silent, but

Your moms voice replayed

in my head.

Over and over and over again





Remember the little ceramic statue

of the two friends in the grass

that played music when you winded it up?

You gave it to me when I was twelve.

I picked that up and I threw it,

sending it across the room

into a million pieces.

I didn't regret it,

because my heart was shattered

into so much more.





I didn't go back to sleep.

My feet walked downstairs,

and out of the front door,

they were bare, and

I walked right down to the creek

and right onto it.



Lily, if the water hadn't frozen,

I would be beneath the surface

right now

trying to wash away

the guilt

and the grief.





I fell asleep on the bank;

I didn't feel the cold.

And when the sun rose,

I awoke in my own bed.





Nobody

understands me now;

and Nobody

can take your place;





I wish you could live,

just

one

more

day,



so that I can tell you,

I'm sorry



and how much you mean to me.

Maybe you would change your mind,

and not end it all so soon;





Lily, if I could tell you one more thing,

It would be that,

I've forgiven you,

and I love you,

and you forever have a spot in my heart.





And even though

we're separated

by life

and death



You're still close to me



maybe closer than you were,



before you ended your life,

with my necklace around your neck.

Uhm....
WOW!!!!

That is so amazing.

The emotion, the jumping, the lines and rhyming.
Perfect.
There were just a few things that bugged me, and made me lose focus.
To be honest, the lines actually bugged me a lot.
I understand it adds emotion.
But, sometimes scrolling down too much can get more annoying than you can ever imagine.
I enjoyed this so much!

GOOD JOB!

aww this is so expressive.ive read so many things in my life.but things like these apeal to me.its like your telling a whole story.and i like how you go from speaking of the past, present, and the coming.keep up the good stuff!

Oh, June. I just clicked on this.
Throughout the entire poem I was hoping it was fiction.
It was tragic and utterly sad, but it was completely beautiful, too.

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm tearing up right now. I'll pray for you and Lily's family.
Wonderful poem, terrible story...

You brought me to tears. That's all I have to say.

I hate giving pity. I hate being sad. So many people have wept with you for Lily. And, to my dismay, I am one of those people.

First off, this was beautiful. I thought it was true from your first words, To my best friend, Lily, yet when I read the poem, a tear almost came to my hardened eye. This was wonderful.

Second, just to make this review worth while, I will say this: it was a little hard for me to read, because I couldn't find a rythm.

*Gold Star*

I had wondered why there were so many reviews for this piece. Now I understand why. I'm sorry you never got to apollogize to her. Sadly, it doesn't only happen in the movies.

-Tex




May Lily rest in peace...

That... was beyond wonderful.
The words flowed perfectly, everything made sense.
And i swear, i could cry because of this poem.
Since its based on a true story, it makes me want to cry more
i just cant critique this, because its just too beautiful.
Its perfect from the first word to the last word.
Some people (like me) can relate to this kind of story.
Well, I cant 100% relate to this, but something somewhat similar.
Keep writing poems, because you are ridiculously incredible.

This is amazing. You captured the true, raw emotion. Great job.
But I wish you hadn't because now I feel completely sad.
But if you're that talented...well, it's good you're sharing your gift.
I was so choked up by the end of this. But then, "The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers" (from Winnie the Pooh) started playing on my computer, popped right out at me (it's an obnoxious song) and ruined the whole moment.
Anyhow....wow. I hope you're okay. It was really courageous of you to post this.

-Cassie

Wow
Honestly, that's all I can say.
I nearly teared up! And for me that's reallyyy saying something!!!
When I read this I kept thinking about my best friend (i love you milascribbler ) and what I would do if she died!
Thank you soooo much!
Byeee
xxmimixxx

I have to say this is one of the best poems I read on here.
It actually made me cry.
This really touched me, Your a really great poet.