The Music of Dusk

Night wraps its violet ‘round winter’s pale day
With echo and shadow and absence of light.
There’s a shape in the darkness, a flutter of gray
And you shiver and strain, lusting madly for sight.

A great silence spreads wing, not a whisper is spoken.
You wrench your eyes shut as you bite back a cry.
And suddenly, now, that dead silence is broken-
Further back in the wood sounds a musical sigh.

And a flurry of bass notes comes down on your ears
And they beat and they tear their way into your mind
Deadly, beautiful seconds blend through into years
And the music assaults you from front and behind.

And now you search vainly for morning’s stale musk-
How broken you are with the music of dusk.

Let me guess. You were thinking of The Music of the Night when you wrote this.

One little thing:

A great silence spreads wing, not a whisper is spoken.

"Wing" sounds a little awkward in this position. Try "Wings."

Other then that I like the pacing of this. No lines seem forced, other then the one above, and the rhyme is good.

Thanks for the advice, Rosey.
Actually... I wasn't thinking of Music of the Night. I wrote the poem in math, then on the bus I decided that the last lines were terrible, and decided to change them to that.

I thought this was beautiful!
I am in love with your imagery, rhythm, and just the way the poem flows when you read it out loud!

Sure, other people may have written poems about night music etc, but I think you have written a very unique poem, that's in your own style (which I like )

I'm not sure how you can improve it, but I thought you might like my opinion

Happy writing!

Nice poem! I liked the steady rhythm of it and how it really didn't seem like you had thought to much about it; like it just poured out of you. None of it seemed forced. Great imagery as well. However, "A great silence spreads wing" sounds a little awkward. Maybe try 'wide' instead... And the last two-line stanza didn't fit in with the four-line stanza structure of the rest of the poem. But if you disregard those minor details, it was indeed a beautiful poem.

Oh, wow, I haven't been here in forever.
But everyone, thank you for critiquing. Explosive Pen, there is a reason for the last two lines- the form of a sonnet goes ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. Or that's what I learned. Just an explanation for that.
Anyway. All good advice. Thanks again.

I really liked this poem, dusk is my favorite part of the day as the light slowly disappears and the night comes. And, I love how this was a sonnet, but yet one that flowed smoothly. I had almost forgotten that it was a sonnet, the rhymes fit together so nicely that they just disappeared from my mind. And, I also liked how your lines were basically the same length, yet there was still enough flow within the lines that the poem was still easy to read.

Basically, there's not much that I noticed to be pointed out here, but I did love the poem and I thought that I would review. I know that the other reviewers mentioned 'The Music of the Night' in reference to this poem, but what I first thought of when I read

And a flurry of bass notes comes down on your ears
And they beat and they tear their way into your mind

was Peter and the Wolf, where the characters are played by instruments. It's been many years since I've heard it, but those two lines just really reminded me of the dark night within the woods with all of the music.

I do have a problem with the next two lines for that stanza:

Deadly, beautiful seconds blend through into years
[s]And[/s] As the music assaults you from front and behind.

The two lines didn't really seem connected to me, and it confused me as we seemed to stay in that moment for years and then we ended up back where we started. Now, I get what you're trying to say and I think that the 'as' works as a better connector word for those two lines. 'And' works just fine, but it doesn't really suggest the moment stretching out into time, as the narrator loses his/her senses through all of the noise.

I like how this poem is almost praising the night, but the narrator of this poem doesn't like the night. I love how the beauty mixes with the terror, as with the first stanza:

Night wraps its violet ‘round winter’s pale day
With echo and shadow and absence of light.
There’s a shape in the darkness, a flutter of gray
And you shiver and strain, lusting madly for sight.

I mean, it starts out so poetically, but then has these harsh lines, yet they still all fit in. This is just a wonderful poem and narration.

Overall: I love it, it's simply beautiful as this person reacts to the change in daylight. I love the metaphors used and the imagery created, and how I was able to connect it to something I haven't seen in years. I do love the night, and I love your poem.

Good luck with your poetry!!

- Tatra

Fabulous!


Hey there, June here. It's been a good long time since I have seen anything like this. You did great.

This is great; However, this is more lyric poetry than narrative poetry.

You have the perfect rhythm going here. It's great; the rhymes do not seem forced in the least. I'm not very fond of you beginning your lines with "And" since and is a nothing word; but it doesn't take away from the poem too much, so it's good.


Great job, Mutant. Fabulous.


Also! You did the sonnet pattern correctly! Sonnets are lyric poetry-- all the better reason why this belongs there.


10/10

Great job!

June

I agree with June! This is fabulous and you are capable of fabulosity*~ A gift few are able to obtain. The rhyming is good, but I couldn't find the beat. The words are nice, but you need to have that rhythym.

Written in math class? o.0
I'd be asleep then...
I made up a poem once in my head while I was busy in Afrikaans class. (Afrikaans, my home language)
I liked it. I don't really like what I write. And me bf don't appreciate it much if I write him something...
I tried hard on that one..
Anyways, I really liked it.
It was kinda creepy, I love that.

I really liked this. I love nighttime. During the summer I just sit out there after the sun goes down; it's so quiet and peaceful.

I thought the last stanza, in particular, was really good. It's a change in structure from the rest of the poem, which makes it stand out as something special. I liked that, even with this beautiful music playing, the narrator isn't any more at ease with darkness at the end than at the beginning. It's almost like she's in more of a rush to find a light once the music starts.

Basically, good job. =]

This is great. Sonnets are really hard in my opinion. And you did a brilliant job. The rhythm was great, choice of words was also awesome. You paint a really vivid picture with your words. Anyway, this was really, absolutely lovely.

I thought everyone here knew? Math class is designated poetry writing hour., since we obviously won't actually be doing the math (sorry, bad pun)

I loved the poem, the rhythm and rhymes scheme were superb...

"the rhythm and rhymes and harmony,
you've helped me along, making me strong, Oh!
give me the boys a free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock n roll, and drift away,
Drift Away!" - Drift Away, the Doobie Brothers

I am so sorry, but that is about the time I would have burst into song, don't mind me,

I would also like to state that some of my best poetry was written in math class, while I was supposed to be doing math work, but hell, writing is what I wanna do with my life, who needs math?

anyway, your imagery was grand,
and this poem was plainly just fantastic, fantabulous, fantreakulous, fabtransistical, somehting like that.
so this is a sonnet?
I wouldnt know the difference, personally, so if you say so, I believe it.

Peace,
God

um this is beautful,but i was just wondering, is it about a rape? cuz if not i would try to revise it so it sounds a little less like that cause i found it kind of startling, but it was quite breath taking, i can't believ you wrote this in math class, i find nothing the slightest bit inspeireng during math class if you know what i mean, but anyways. i really like this.

I really need to start coming on more often. I keep trying to remind myself to come check comments, but I just don't.
Thank you for all the feedback, everybody. I actually do a lot of writing in math class- I've gotten three rough draft chapters of my novel done in that class, and one short story about a minor character. And I'm still passing with an 83! =D
In answer to your question, my intention was not for it to be about rape, but if that's your interpretation of it, it could certainly work. I'm not even really sure that there's a real subject to the poem.