Young Writers Society

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I...the language was pretty, the rhymes were pretty good, there were a few gramatical errors that only bug me because in daily speech, I use them, and that disconcerts me, so you can't really be blamed for that...but I wasn't crazy about it. It just...well, there was way too much introduction, too much explanation of exactly what was happening, but I felt like I already knew what was going to happen, and I did know, so I think that the emphasis should have been somewhere else...like what went through the murderer's head, because otherwise, all the message is is "don't trust other people" and I hate that message...but you can't be blamed for that, either.

hmmm... this could be a really good poem, but the perky rhyme scheme really negated any drama...made it sound more like an e-mail forward than anything...i would try a rewrite in free verse if I were you.

wow...this is an excellent ballad...i love it, definatly sends a message across...(dont trust strangers). i was really drawn into it, and i think its good how the last stanza is where it changes, i mnea, instead of you describing what actually happens, you just tell us what happens afterwards, istead of you dragging along with it, say, from verse 3 or something. excellent poetry. just one thing i wanted to point out though...

LiNdSeYo7 wrote:Then realized they were headed quite out of the way.

i dont know, for some reason this didnt sound right to me...maybe its just me..coz i think it was a little bit longer out of the rest...

LiNdSeYo7 wrote:A lone little girl lay dead in the leaves,
Dark purple bruises, bloody stains on her sleeves.
A look of pure terror, pale as a sheet,
Skiver slipped away, his deed was complete.
She’d thought he was kind, a neighborhood friend,
Yet every last smile had been acts of pretend.

my favourite stanza, lovely closing.

excellent work, keep up the good job, i must say you have a talent.

Not much of a poetry guy, but I liked it. Mostly I liked it, cuz its easy to picture it in your head. To vizualize and invoke emotions.

seemed too straightfoward and very very predictable

I liked and it was written very well though it didn't come across as a poem to me,
and I agree it was a tad predictable.
wu

Thank you for all of the comments - they are all much appreciated.

Good idea, but the rhyming really does take away from the otherall effect of the piece.