You Got Your Wish

I loved you more than oxygen;
I loved you more than life.
I despised you, my worst enemy,
despised your very sight.
I adored your every phone call,
adored your spectral essence.
I hated the way you lied to me,
hated your unaffectionate presence.

I enjoyed our every moment spent,
enjoyed my last afternoon;
witheld my tears when you called that night,
choked and sobbed inside my room.
And that was where I ended it--
the life you surely stole.
That could've been what you wanted, though;
could've been your secret goal.

Yes, it is cliche. Not only the story ("I loved you and you didnt love me and so I killed myself") but also the approach to it - a bald, rhyming poem which states everything simply and unequivocally. It's a good attempt, and I like the way you switched between love/hate and left some doubt as to the (unrequited?) lover's intentions, but there are a few things I think you could improve on.

Firstly, your rhythm is a little shaky and occasionally the rhyming feels forced. I dont understand what "spectral essence" has to do with anything unless the person involved is a ghost, which isnt the case, so it seems like you're trying too hard to make things rhyme, you know? Remember, poetry doesnt have to rhyme. You might be more comfortable trying free verse until you get the rhythm thing under control

If you're determined to persist with rhyming poetry, I suggest you improve this by reading the poem out loud as you write. It helps if you tap along on the tabletop or something so that you can feel the beat and where the emphasis goes, etc. You could also look up different rhyme schemes and forms to see which suits your poem best - it's not all clean/lean/fun/run, you know!

Secondly, this poem didnt feel very deep to me. It was like you skated over the surface of the emotions you were trying to describe, if you get what I mean. Basically, this is what I'd call a "selfish" poem, in that it keeps all of the sensation for the poet and doesnt share any with the reader. You want to make your reader feel it. If you're angry, you want them to be angry. If you're sad, you want them to be sad.

Telling a friend you're sad may be enough to make them sad, because they've got some emotional stake in your life already - they care about you. But a stranger, or a random reader who just happens to stumble in here, isnt going to feel that way. You have to make them care about the poet, or the subject, or whatever it is you're writing about. And the best way to do this is to bring them into the poem, so they are feeling/seeing/touching/tasting/hearing what you feel/see/touch/taste/hear. Use your environment and your senses as well as your subjective (internal) experiences to convey the way you feel, and you'll find your readers are much more emotionally engaged.

I hope that helped! I must say I'm impressed with your spelling, grammar and punctuation. I also love the way you got "unaffectionate presence" into the last line of that first stanza. I could really hear the poet saying that in my head, in a kind of snarky voice. Kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles

I don't think it's too cliche to not be good. All romantic pieces for instance follow a "boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl-back" storyline., so you could easily say that any romantic book or movie is cliche, but you don't if it's written well and unique within that line. That being said, I think you have some good examples here, but here's the thing. You may want to make it flow better than just a rhyme on every line. There is slant rhyme, which would keep that rhyming rhythm and beat without being redundant in the sounds. A more climatic ending might cause some tension. Instead of just dropping the bomb of suicide, it might add to the poem more to write some about the emotions leading up to this action after the phone call, to create a sort of shock and suspense more than what you have right now. All in all, I think it's worth saving; there is definitely some promise in it, it just needs a little polishing.
Candace

honestly, I didn't feel anything when I read your poem.....I infer that it is about suicide, and when dealing with such a strong topic, you should aim for producing a strong emotional response in your readers.

JMS

I really liked it, cliche or not. i like how you showed love and hate, that is a big part of our lives. It will always be the subject in writing.

the only thing that threw it off for me was the last sentence.

That could've been what you wanted, though;
could've been your secret goal.

it for some reason just doesnt fit the rest of the story line.
but other then that, it is great.

kim