z

Young Writers Society


The River



User avatar
154 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 154
Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:56 pm
Armadian says...



I sat there,
watching the water move gently
down the stream.

And it's,
soothing.

I fell in.
And let its peaceful current,
carry me off.

So many things below its surface.
Mysterious.

The cool sensation of being in the water
came over me.

What mysteries lie in this.
Amazing.


I made a poem like this about fire a long time ago,...I think the other ones better so you might wanna check that out. Heres the link http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=2279&highlight=
How can you prove that we exist? Maybe we don't exist...
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 1823
Reviews: 665
Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:05 pm
deleted6 says...



It kinda peaceful yet morbid in a way. I pointed out only thing that seemed to jump out on messenger. But I'm no expert let Brad view it and well we'll see...
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
  





User avatar
17 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 17
Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:14 am
michellel96 says...



I luv this! It's so, mysterious and exotic! So...Wonderous!
It's really hard to put it in words but it so strange! No, not strange, UNIQUE!

I really paints a vivid painting in a reader's mind. The language and usage of words can be better. Yea, you should seek some more creative and lively language. It'll make it sound even more exotic. I mean, if that's how you prefer it, it's still a really great piece of writing. Oh, PS, more emotion would, I think atleast, help. I'm just gonna suggest some of my ideas.

I sat there,
watching the water move gently
down the stream.


I'd say, this is what I would do:

I sat there-pondering
watching the water's still currents
move gently down the burbling creek


I really like the "soothing" part. That was good language.

I fell in.
And let its peaceful current,
carry me off.


i'd do:

I fell in.
And let it's slow current
take me away


(but I do think carry me off is really good there too)

came over me

I don't know why, but this just came into my mind. it's kinda like a figure of speech but it goes with the whole "water" idea.

washed over me


If you don't like the changes, once again, you can just ignore them. I just wanted to "liven it up".

:D Great Work!
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 4
Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:09 pm
teigan-vm says...



Mysterious, I would say, but peaceful. You have woven unique and surreal thoughts into this poem, which frequently sound strange, but help make it a good piece of literature.
And yes, I did like it :)

Teigan x
  





User avatar
236 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4825
Reviews: 236
Sun Mar 04, 2007 1:09 pm
carelessaussie13 says...



The only issue I could find with this poem was that the "I fell in" line was very sudden and abrupt. Otherwise, kudos. :D
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
  





User avatar
13 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 13
Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:45 am
bubbles5 says...



I liked this poem. It was mysterious and calming with a kind of tranquil nature. Although I do agree that some changes in the language you used could help. Overall I liked it alot :)
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Tue Mar 13, 2007 3:29 pm
L says...



This is really smooth and serene. It got me calm, but i do agree with Carelessaussie13, maybe fell in is a little too much contrast with the tranquility of the poem.
But i think the structure is brilliant! It fits with the flow of the water. (This was probably very obvious...)

Yeah i agree with michelle96 but i wouldn't over-do it because you'll loose the peace in the poem, and it will look too decorated. The cool words you have are fine to me, but then again i'm no expert...so listen to someone else hehe...
Siggys' suck, I don't know what to say about myself. Doopeydoo...
  





User avatar
48 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 48
Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:40 pm
Pyxis says...



love it...

very peaceful.

can't wait to see more of your writing.

:D :P 8) :)
  





User avatar
1259 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259
Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:46 pm
Firestarter says...



I don't see much in this poem except an unorigianl description of a river.

I can see what you're trying to say, but it isn't working right now. Hedgy words like "mysterious" are more telling than showing, because what is mysterious? The fact it is left on its own kills the word even more, and we are left with no meaning whatsoever. You also use "mysteries" later on. You have defined nothing and left me confused. Why is going underwater mysterious? If it's a metaphor for something else, you need to be more explicit with your wording before you can be subtle -- you've tried to go too far maybe, gone straight for the abstract without first learning the literal.

I think this needs a large overhaul. Your line breaks are strange too. Go to the writing tips section and there is a tutorial by Incandescence that talks about writing breaks -- read it and learn.

Good luck!
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  








It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney