Young Writers Society

The Sun Bird


The man approached,
With a question:
"Tell me, stranger,
The road beyond this town
That goes, deep down
Is it near the nest
Of the bird of bold
Clothed with feathers of sunset's gold?
With wings of fire?
That rests on the church's spire?"
"No, dear sir,"
The old man replied.
"It lives in a nest of clouds
Above the sounds
Of the world of earth.
It only does stir
When the shadow of the great fir
Reaches the yonder
Cliffs, where you ponder.
In times when you know
Great wisdom, will it show."
"Many thanks,"
The traveler answered.
"Is the great fir near the banks
Of the river, Mouri?"
"Yes," the stranger answered
"Where the Battle for Glory
Took place, many years ago
A breeze shall blow
Bringing the cries of battle"
"May good fortune be yours,"
Said the weary traveler.
And he left, for the shores
Of the river, Mouri.

-----
Probably one of my best pieces of poetry, aside from the "dark" one. Written in '04, I think.
Critiques, reviews and comments welcomed!
~Ink/Sumi

Wow!

I couldn't really find anything wrong other than a couple of typos (And I had to look really hard to find those!). The flow and tempo was a little shaky and erratic at the beginning, but it evened out as the poem went along.
Also, I'm not sure if the title "The Sun Bird" fits right as the poem itself doesn't go into that much detail on the actual Sun Bird, the focus is more on its nest and how the traveller can find it. Maybe an alternative title? "The Nest of the Sun Bird" or "I Seek the Sun Bird"?

Way to go Inky-san! (Or should I say "I tip my hat to thou, Baroness"!)

~D'Inkweaver

P.S. What about that other poem you mentioned? The "dark" one?

inkweaver22 wrote:Wow!


Way to go Inky-san! (Or should I say "I tip my hat to thou, Baroness"!)

~D'Inkweaver

P.S. What about that other poem you mentioned? The "dark" one?

Haha! Arigato!
I bob my head in thy general direction, D'Inkweaver-san!

The "dark" one is probably my best so far (next to...um...huh...I'll have to think about that ), and I only call it "dark" is because it's about a creepy character. Nothing particularly wrong with it, but I'll put it up tomorrow if you want to see it (don't want to clog the site with my stuff). I was only really calling it "The Sun Bird" because I was too lazy to think of a different title! Arigato for your suggestions, would you mind if I used them?
Again, arigato!
~Sumi/Inky
(Dangit, seems like I am now permanently Inky. I'll get her for this... kidding)

AWESOME POEM! COOL!

This was very good Baroness. As Inkweaver said before, it didn't flow quite as well in the beginning as it did in the end, but I really enjoyed reading it. I love how you made a conversation into a poem, I never would have thought of that. *applause* Keep up the good work!

Arigato! A great many people like this poem, and, yeah, the beginning is kind of shaky. I plan to work with that a little bit later.
The "conversation into a poem" thing was the hardest thing to write about this. Which I barely remember, considering I wrote it in -:checks above:- 2004.
Again, arigato!
~Sumi