Young Writers Society

He blazes his flames with utter joy,

His bewildered mate can’t help but stare.

Pride filling himself; he acts much too coy,

Keeping her well aware.

The golden seal of humanity,

Is coated over completely.

She with her heart of vanity,

He who cannot act discreetly.

Masculinity has come to meet his match,

His counterpart cannot be beat.

There is only left but a heart to snatch,

To accomplish his incredible feat.

Now, she strays her gaze,

His flirts dwindle to ashes.

His devotion bends a maze,

Scarring him with mental rashes.

She sheds no guilt,

Her interest merely falls.

His burning fire smothers and wilts,

Sure confident he held it all.

Moreover, there will be time,

For him to be comforted with his own bride.

His feelings will once again sublime,

With every other emotion set aside.

I feel as though this poem is a prisoner of its rhyme. Rhyme, though forced, existed, but the rhythm was iffy at best.

A lot of the phrases in here seem to just be there to fit the rhyme. I can't really find anything to crit...it's just sort of stale. Sorry! Try free verse. It will do you good.

One thing that really stood out:

His burning fire smothers and wilts

1. His burning fire smothers what? I think you meant that it is smothered.
2. Fire wilts? In another poem, this might have been justified and would've been really cool in terms of diction, but here it feels like an attempt to be poetic, but I realize it's there to rhyme with "guilt" and it just doesn't belong.

Good luck!
Colleen

Rhyming has, and probably never really will, be my sort of thing; I can see from where you're coming from.

Thanks for the suggestions/help. =)

I really wasn't that helpful, but you're welcome. Yeah, I'm terrible at rhyme, too. You could try rewriting this in free verse.