Young Writers Society

5-1-05

I love the silence of an empty stage
after the plays are done, while people sleep;
I consume the silence of this heavy serenity,
of it all being done and gone, done and gone everywhere,
and the stage now breathes and sleeps,
breathes and sleeps,
empty of the melodramatic tap-dances,
the brew of emotions that dam from this spot,
hollow of the suffering and joy and
empty, it’s sooo empty, of the thick and sticky life-syrup.
I see an empty stage, and I see what death is,
a lack of fighting, a lack of winning and losing,
growing and shrinking, loving and killing,
though the ghosts of this place
sing always.

This was a really great piece.

But I think the "sooo" can be cut into to just "so." If you want to put emphasis on it, then just italicise it.

It was good, but it left me confused. You jump from idea to idea or introduce completely new things.

For example,

hollow of the suffering and joy and
empty, it’s sooo empty, of the thick and sticky life-syrup.

I understand why you're bringing back the whole "empty" thing, but that comes out of nowhere. Also, the word "empty" is used excessively.

And again, here:

I see an empty stage, and I see what death is,
a lack of fighting, a lack of winning and losing,
growing and shrinking, loving and killing,
though the ghosts of this place
sing always.

Are you saying the ghosts are always singing there, even through the deaths and loving and killing? Or are you saying the ghosts are singing because of the deaths? Or are the ghosts entirely different from the whole death thing?

Clear up your ideas and I think it will turn out much improved. Nice job.

I really think that you were looking at this wrong. It's an empty stage, that's it, and I was sitting by one and listening to it, and that was all there was. The ghost was the feeling of sitting there and nothing happening, yet you remember so many things. That's the ghost. Everything else was just language, was just elaboration. And I did use the word "empty" excessively--five times--but I think that how I did it, it works. My words aren't supposed to be confusing on this, you're not supposed to have to really analyze them. Thick and heavy life-syrup, though, is a little hard. What is that? It's viscious, it's sweet and sugary, it's those things that just refuse to fall out of our minds ever, that get in the way of tranquility, yet it's more. I was just saying that in the best way I know of. Though I disagree, thank you for the comment.

I really liked this. It really put an image into my head. I can imagine the stage even though you never literally described it. I agree with ohhewwo, though, on the "sooo" being just "so."

I know what it's like to be in an empty theatre after a show, and you got it right on. Good work. It could, perhaps, use a minor revision, mainly to find replacements for the word "empty."

first, I loved this poem I just did a show, and they are tearing down our theater so it's not in use anymore. You really captured the moment.

second, I have to disagree with some of the others...on the repetive emptys. I think they add to the piece ties everything together with the same word.

my favorite line was -- the brew of emotions that dam from this spot -- it made me think of the Witches in the Scottish Play.

some people just don't get it.

cheers and good luck always. CL

That was inspiring, really it was. It took me to the empty theatre, sitting in the very first row, just staring at the desolate silence that comes from a stage where there are usually so much excitement and goings-on, nothing but a stage. It also conveys the message that it's the people that make the environment, and their interactions; not the environment itself. Without the actors and dialogue, the stage would be exactly as you described it: empty.

Three cheers for that free-verse! It was gold!

Good Job on this as many have said already. You made me feel like I was there as Ravenna had said.

I loved this, It was deep.
That is all I can say, I am not the master player of words.

this has a sort of echoing quality, it creates a strong images. A stage as a stage and a stage as a metephor. A lot of what poetry (to me) is is the holding up of the ordinary and the metephysical right next to each other and I think this peice accomplishes that.

translation: I like it