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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Thu Feb 01, 2007 3:44 am
Seriena says...



This is a peom that I thought had a catchy rythm so I decided to post it. It does tell a story and I do use some sybolism in here. I hope you understand it. I don't know if it's very good though, so here goes...



Hey up,
Day up,
Waz up,
The sky’s up
Giddy up,
Mastermind,
Follow the wind up

Watch the rain,
Ignore the pain,
Willow wane
The beggar’s bane

Swing the bat,
Hit the ball
Get to base,
First of all

Will the wall,
To fell a fool,
And miss the catch
For the school

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

Wait and watch,
Hear the smack
Never turn your back

Will the wall,
To fell a fool,
And miss the catch
For the school

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

Don’t dittle, dattle,
Frittle, frattle
Get called safe,
To win this battle

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

Two sixes on the board,
You have to get to home.
You’re running out of time,
But watch out for that gnome!

Kapittle, kapattle,
Kapittle, dittle, dattle,
Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; WHOOP!

You didn’t make it home,
But’s that’s okay, it’s true.
We’ve got one batter left
Who’ll really make up for you.

Swing the bat,
Hit the ball
Get to base,
First of all

Will the wall,
To fell a fool,
And miss the catch
For the school

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

Wait and watch,
Hear the smack
Never turn your back

Will the wall,
To fell a fool,
And miss the catch
For the school

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

Don’t dittle, dattle,
Frittle, frattle
Get called safe,
To win this battle

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!

You’re almost home,
Don’t strike out now.
Run your hardest,
Don’t fall down.

Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!
"There will come a moment when you have a chance to do the right thing."

"I love those moments, I like to wave at them as they pass by..."
  





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Thu Feb 01, 2007 5:51 am
Certainly Love says...



I liked this poem. Write more. I enjoyed this one as did my sister.
Sincerely, Amanda R. Holden, Author of Azyea's GIfts
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5890
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Thu Feb 01, 2007 11:19 pm
Cade says...



Haha, very enjoyable. The rhythm is catchy! I loved that beginning, just adored it.

Will the wall,
To fell a fool,
And miss the catch
For the school

The rhythm seemed very off in the last two lines. I suggest just scrapping them.

Not much of a critique, sorry, I just wanted to enjoy it. This could totally be lyrics...some sort of incredibly obscure indie band hit. It kind of made me think of Lemon Demon's "Word Disassociation" and I don't know why...perhaps I just think of it going really fast and spitting out all these words.

Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Sat Feb 03, 2007 8:19 pm
Kinsley says...



Haha, this was an awesome poem. Very cute, and the rythm really drew my attention. I don't know of a title, maybe Baseball? That's all I can think of. :) I know it's lame but it's all I got.
To M.J.,

I hope you can forgive me,
Though I'll never forgive myself.
Until again, my friend
  





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Reviews: 8
Sat Feb 03, 2007 8:32 pm
Siam says...



I know this isn't much of a critique but I love this poem. I'm just goig to repeat what everyone said. The rythm is catchy and it's a very illistrative poem.
I like the
'Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; SNAP!' That is cool.
"It is better to hope than to despair; To love than to hate;
To question than accept; To be strong than weak;
To do something rather than nothing; To live than to die;
To be free than be bound"
Yours truly, Siam
  





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Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:49 pm
LowKey says...



I love your poem, but this section:

Kapittle, kapattle,
Kapittle, dittle, dattle,
Pitter, patter,
Fritter, fratter
Fingle berry; WHOOP!

kinda broke away from the poem I think. I loved the poem, though. I showed my sister, and she wants to turn it into a song. She's trying to find the right beat for it now. :)
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
  





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Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:23 am
Seriena says...



Thanks, Dreamer. Tell your sister I think she's awesome. I'm not good at writing songs so she really has a talent. Anyways the Kapittle section was supposed to break away. It's where the runner gets out and he doesn't make it to home.
"There will come a moment when you have a chance to do the right thing."

"I love those moments, I like to wave at them as they pass by..."
  








Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson