Young Writers Society

Road Trip

Road out before me,
Hand out the window,
Sitting beside you,
I’m not the driver,
Thoughts on other things,
Not this long stretch of flattened land.
Just came from the city,
Just trying to escape,
When wind took direction
Didn’t try to take it back.

Night is so easy and thin,
Not suffocating like day,
Stars are universe seeds,
Sky is distant skin.

It’s not me sitting beside you
It’s some woman in a costume,
You're just a stranger,
With a beard and a dagger hidden,
And we’re shadows getting eaten.

Radio tuned static,
Static to match the road.
You ask me questions to loose time
I answer questions you didn't ask.
I keep thinking
'I am mute'
Because no matter what I say
You don't hear me.
Maybe I should be thinking,
'You are deaf and I am blind.'

Nothing around here,
Nowhere to turn.
Almost say, ‘I want to go back,
‘Please take me home.’
But it’s not my home we’re running from.

Remember when you touched my face,
You touched my hips,
You said,
‘Look at you, you’re like a statue.’
I said,
‘I may be cold, but I’m not stone,’
Tuned away your lingering touch,
‘Don’t make me into this.’

Who do admire?
Who do you love?
I admire the woman in the red dress,
She dances,
I love the man in the corner,
He’s seen it.

Going to keep on driving when you go home.
I want to be somewhere where it’s green
Where the air’s not hard to breath.
I miss your ocean,
I miss mine,
Now floating in between.
I’d stay with you here
For as long as you want me,
I’d return whenever you asked,
But you never will.
Anticipating the cusp of sunrise,
Virgin blue skin
To cover up night.

No one around, road is straight,
You turn to look at me,
Eyes look so bright in the shadows.
Whenever I see a lonely straight road,
I’ll think of you.

*now edited

I have mixed emotions about this poem. I liked certain lines, and others just kind of dissipate into nothingness. You seem to have a good understanding of poetry, and are at that stage where you have to write a lot to get better. I know what it's like to be there. Your poetry brims intellectuality, but then contradicts and even condemns it. Another thing, poems don't need to be epic, and your reader shouldn't get tired and blisters on their fingers from having to scroll down to read it. You could have cropped this a little better, and I would leave my suggestions, and I know this really irks some people, but I prefer not to. It's your poem, not mine. Do what you will; you're a big kid, you can see what should and shouldn't be there. Anyway, the concept of this poem was genuine cliche. You presented it well, but I've heard a thousand times over. I see a lot of potential in you as a writer.

I liked this a lot. Mostly because of the imagery. I agree somewhat with Incandescence that it is a bit cliche, but poetry in and of itself is cliche I think. How can you write a poem that gets away from it?

‘If you could lose your hearing or your speaking,
‘which would you chose?’
I want to say, ‘I don’t want to lose my voice,’
But I couldn’t live without music’s cloak,
I say, ‘You could take my voice,
‘I don’t use it much anyway.’

This is my favorite part, minus the "But I couldn't live without music's cloak." I don't much like that line, and I dunno why, seeing as it's kind of pretty. I guess I don't do overly pretty poetry. Anyway, like I said, I really liked this. Good luck to you and your future poems! I hope I have said something useful and not didn't just incessantly blab, which I have a bad habit of doing.

-Sarah

Yes, this poem was rather on the long side and I kept thinking to myself, like, when the heck is this going to end. Well, anyway, in general, I liked the conception I found in this poem, even though I'm not sure if it was the correct one or not. However, it's too long, and there are a lot of meaningless lines in here, as well as immature lines, such as:
Map out the window too.
This line troubled me more than you can ever fathom. Please, take it out--change it...do something with it...

i took the map line out. it was bad. lots of other lines made the walk to the trash can too. Conception is not the word you mean. it really isn't. concepts maybe what the word you wanted.