Young Writers Society

Please read spoiler



Every person has a hobby or that activity they love to do in their free time. Some may love to draw while others enjoy singing or playing an instrument. I, though, love to ride horses, do running sports, and write. I have discovered new skills and exciting possibilities from my extracurricular activities.

I have always had a deep love for horses, sparking my love for horseback riding. I’ve been riding for two and a half years. The first time I ever rode was with a girl (Harley, the daughter of one of my dad’s old friends) who had been riding since she was six. We cantered on her horse, and I even tried jumping! After that experience I went to horse camp and stayed with Harley for the week I was there. The year after, I started horse riding lessons at my local barn, Rose Hill Farm, and the year after that I participated in horse camp with Harley again. I love the people and horses at Rose Hill Farm greatly and have learned much from them. I hope to continue horseback riding for many years.

Along with riding, another sport I enjoy is running. Similar to riding, I started running sports only two years ago at my local middle school. When I started running I joined the cross country team and, although I was unprepared for the long distances, it was fun. When I joined track and field that spring I finally found my passion; long jump. I jumped thirteen and a half feet and was immediately deemed a natural at the sport. I love long jump and when I participated in it in the 2011 track season I won first place in my states meet with a jump of fourteen feet and three inches. Running has taught me to love myself and the amazing things I can do.

Besides my physical extracurricular activities, I love to write. I began writing because of my friend, Sarah. She started writing at a young age and when she would complain about writer’s block I wanted to try writing and see what exactly ‘writer’s block’ was. I’ve started five novels but finished none of them, either because I ran out of inspiration or was unsatisfied with the plot and didn’t feel it could be fixed. Besides novels and short stories, I excel at poetry. I have written over twenty five poems in two years and each holds a special meaning to me and reminds me of what I was doing or thinking of at the time. The first time I wrote a poem I hadn’t even realized I was doing it. I had been really stressed at the time and just started to write. What came out of that became the start of my magical experience with poetry. I love writing because of the much-needed stress relief it has given me through the years that I’ve done it.

During the years that I’ve done horseback riding, running sports, and writing I have learned many interesting things and met many wonderful people. My extracurricular activities have built many unusual skills for me and I’m sure they will open many doors for me. I’m extremely glad that I started all of them and only hope that I continue them in the near and far future. I will always be excited to continue these fun hobbies. Maybe one day I will be able to teach one or two of them! Do you think that will be helpful to others?

Nice job Justagirl. I know a few people who go horseback riding. It seems fun, but I've never tried it. That's not important though. I liked that you not only had physical activities, but emotional/mental activities to. Ones that make you feel better and don't require much activity. I did notice a few grammar/spelling errors. Such as: "We cantered on her horse and I even tried jumping!" There should be a , after horse because you're combining two sentences. Also: "When I started running I joined the cross country team and, although I was unprepared for the long distances, it was." There should be another , after running. And "it was" what? I suspect that you either did not complete the sentence, or added the wrong part of the sentence. There are another few things, but I'll leave them go for now. Other than those, I didn't find much wrong with your essay. You had an entertaining and informative body, the introduction is well-written, but the conclusion might need a little work. I like that you added a question, but I don't feel that's the best thing to end an essay with. But that may be a personal preference. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading it; you just might want to fix those few small errors. Hope you do well, keep writing, and may the Force be with you.

Nice job Justagirl. I know a few people who go horseback riding. It seems fun, but I've never tried it. That's not important though. I liked that you not only had physical activities, but emotional/mental activities to. Ones that make you feel better and don't require much activity. I did notice a few grammar/spelling errors. Such as: "We cantered on her horse and I even tried jumping!" There should be a , after horse because you're combining two sentences. Also: "When I started running I joined the cross country team and, although I was unprepared for the long distances, it was." There should be another , after running. And "it was" what? I suspect that you either did not complete the sentence, or added the wrong part of the sentence. There are another few things, but I'll leave them go for now. Other than those, I didn't find much wrong with your essay. You had an entertaining and informative body, the introduction is well-written, but the conclusion might need a little work. I like that you added a question, but I don't feel that's the best thing to end an essay with. But that may be a personal preference. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading it; you just might want to fix those few small errors. Hope you do well, keep writing, and may the Force be with you.

Boo.

I have arrived to do a review, JAG!

Structure
You actually had the courage to say you write? I've never!

Anyway. Your intro was brief and short, but it did the job well. It fit the criteria

Body. Paragraph one was great as well. There wasn't really any transition in that one, but I think it's okay because it's the beginning paragraph. Paragraph two was perfect, along with paragraph 3.

The conclusion was good as well! Structure wise, I didn't find any issues.

General
I have to say, there were places where it was a bit awkward. I dunno if it's the way that I write and it isn't how I write, but I'll point them out, just in case it isn't just me.

JAG wrote:Some may love to draw while others enjoy singing or playing an instrument.

It sounds awkward here. I've always understood can as to be able and may to have permission. Perhaps if you used 'might', it might (lol) make it sound less awkward.

You also used contractions quite a few times. I'm not gonna point them out as there's ctrl and F where you type in the apostrophe and it should come up (I've, I'm, didn't, hadn't <-- all the contracted words you used)

You wrote:Do you think that will be helpful to others?

Like Judy, my personal preference would be not to end it with a question. It sounds... funny that way, personally XD Maybe add it in earlier in the conclusion? You used 'you' there as well

You also wrote:After that experience I went to horse camp and stayed with Harley for the week I was there. The year after, I started horse riding lessons at my local barn, Rose Hill Farm, and the year after that I participated in horse camp with Harley again.

It's a bit repetitive here. When I read it, I was like 'WUT' XD It's confusing, but I think if you chopped it into smaller sections or changed 'the year after' so you use those words less, it'd be better

Overall
Overall, this was really good. I hope you do well! I don't have any suggestions right now though

[Insert farewell here]* (see below)

MadDisco, like you call me ^_^

*Normally I'd say 'Keep Writing!' or 'Keep Writing Essays' in this case, but ... I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep writing them XD

Justagirl,

I know you needed this by Tuesday, so I had to get this done ASAP xD Sorry if it's sloppily written. I think I've already mentioned in the PM I sent you, but I liked this essay. I mean, I think it tells a lot about you, and it's pretty clear throughout. I can pretty much go down the checklist of that criteria list and check everything off, you've implemented it quite well, so I get the sense that this was well thought out and organized.

I want to point out a few minor things that are not necessarily wrong, rather they're just areas that need to be improved. Your transitions:

I have always had a deep love for horses,..

Along with riding, another sport I enjoy is running...

Besides my physical extracurricular activities, I love to write....

The first transition in paragraph 2, I didn't mind so much. But I've included it in here so you can take a look at the basic pattern. While, these types of sentence structures do indeed serve its purpose as transitions, by using the same type of sentence repetedly - it gets tedious, it gets boring, and it's repetitive, because didn't you mention each of the extracurriculars you enjoyed in your thesis already?

I have to wonder if that's the only method you use to transition each paragraph. It reads somewhat forced, because it's like plugging in words into some kind of formula. I mean, it's very uniformed and clear and it meets the requirements, but the flow is not very natural. It's difficult, I suppose, because schools give you this strict set of guidelines and it's like you must conform your writing to these guidelines and we end up filling in words into a set format that is not necessarily our own. But the personal essay is exactly that - personal, and these guidelines are set in place to guide you towards organization, not neccessrily to conform the writing.

I do like the organization though, and I like how you tied each idea back to the thesis. The thing that needs work, I think are your transitions. Try leading out, and then leading back in. Maybe that will help. Each of your body paragraph ends with the clincher, like what the guideline says - but your clincher sentence could serve two purposes. To tie back to the thesis as well as to lead in to the next paragraph. As you can see:

I hope to continue horseback riding for many years.

Along with riding, another sport I enjoy is running.

These two sentences are very disconnected. Your last sentence in the second paragraph concludes your second paragraph, but does not help the transition of the next idea. So by doing that, you're stopping the flow of the essay. The "Along with riding ...I enjoy running" is a transition sure, but as I already mentioned, it's weak. How? Why?

You get this effect that with the end of each paragraph you have come to a stoplight. You have to stop. And wait. And wait for the green light. And go. And then you've come to another stoplight. Kind of choppy, right? The effect you want is more like a smooth, endless drive where you might slow down because there's a curve ahead, and you slow down and you turn, and there we go! A new idea! There's no stopping. There's just a continuous, smooth flow.

The key is to tie the two ideas together somehow. How has horseback training prepared you for running? How did you get into running? How do these two compare? You would be better off starting the third paragraph with this sentence:

Similar to riding, I started running sports only two years ago at my local middle school.

But that's enough about transitions. One of the reasons I sent you the pm and wanted to talk to you personally was for this point here: states ideas universally. I feel this is important, because if you can do this effectively, then I almost guarantee an A on your paper

At the moment, I don't see any example of this. When you think of universal concepts/universal ideas -- you almost always have to go deeper into the topic. It's like you're trying to find real human meaning. Why does this matter in the general scheme of things? It's an abstract concept to figure out, but admittedly, it's one of my favorite things to think about in my own essays - and if you can include these aspects in every essay you write from now on, you'd be in really good shape.

It's kind of like asking - what do all humans from across the globe have in common? No matter the language, no matter the culture, we're all human beings. We can all fall in love. We all experience jealousy. Sooner or later, we will all mourn for loved ones. And so on and so on, the examples are endless.

But how can you extract the universal elements from this essay about extra curricular activities?

Ask yourself, why do people partake in extra curriculars in the first place? Why do you partake in them? I'm sure there are a variety of little reasons, such as doing what you love, meeting friends, etc. but I think there will be a core reason that is relatable to everyone. For that, you have to think deeper. If you can answer this in your essay, you'll be golden. And of course, I'd love to discourse with you if you need any help.

Lastly, I agree with the other reviewers. The question at the end is not effective for two reasons. It sounds cliche and forced (one of the guidelines is to avoid cliches) -- and the other guideline says to avoid the personal pronoun "you" which is how the last sentence began in the first place. The guideline doesn't say to end with a question - it only says to offer ideas and questions to the readers. You don't have to actually use a question to offer a question to them

I wrote an essay a while back about the history of coffee. Now, our guidelines weren't so strict, so you're going to notice that my format is very loose, you'd hardly think it was an essay at all. But we did have to show that we've researched the topic, and show universal concepts and ideas and offer an idea or question at the end. Instead of actually implementing a question to the readers at the end, I inserted a twist instead. Because the twist came so suddenly and unexpectedly, it forces the readers to stop and think why? And that was the point.

Anyway, I hope this review helped a bit Let me know if you have any questions, or comments etc.

~ as always, Audy