Young Writers Society

It was freezing cold. Snow piled high. Night approached. My twelve-year-old self stood outside the school with the other choristers, gripping noisemakers and lanterns. Parents, teachers and others joined the throng. We waited. Waited for total darkness. Waited for the walk to begin. Waited for solstice.

When darkness finally fell, I felt as though I had been standing in the snowy cold for an eternity. I could scarcely feel my feet and I wondered if this had been a mistake. Little did I know that all my doubts were about to evaporate.
With long black hair swinging behind her, my music teacher pushed her way out of the crowd. In her high, clear voice, she explained the solstice and why it was celebrated. She called for the choir to join her at the head of the motley procession. We would lead the way down the creaky wooden stairs into the shadowy ravine. After negotiating the icy steps, we congregated at the foot of the stairs. There, our route was explained before we set off.
As soon as the walk began, noisemakers were let loose in a zealous outburst. Minutes passed, the cacophony died out, and the choir began to sing as one.

This was my first solstice celebration and what I heard on that snowy night was sheer magic. In the silence of the surrounding woods, our voices echoed everywhere.

“Dona nobis pacem, pacem,” we sang out, feeding off each other’s energy. Despite the blistering cold, we smiled through chattering teeth, staring up at the heavens.

After some time, we reached the turnaround of our journey; a steep and icy hill. The choir stopped at its foot and turned to face the crowd. Our music teacher stood between us and the rest of the group.

“We are here today,” she cried. “To ward off winter’s chill when the days are at their weakest. We are here today, to take our noisemakers,” she raised one above her head. “And ward off the chill the only way we can; with music!”

With a grin, she whirled around to face the choir. Our voices burst forth immediately, daring the cold to advance.

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine,
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

By our second run-through, the crowd was singing along. I wanted nothing more than to remain in this place forever. Too soon, the moment ended and we tramped back to school to sing carols and warm up. For me though, the evening’s highlight had come and gone.

I will never forget the ethereal music I heard that night, or the sense of belonging I felt. This memory keeps me warm on the coldest nights and keeps my soul burning bright in the darkest times. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

Sweet as sugar, this piece is, it makes my eyes light up! It sounded a little shaky in the beginning, but now I see it's suppose to sound like that and then throughout the piece the tone sounds more solid, more self assured. You have great story development here. the song being This little light of mine threw me through a loop because I thought it was going to be some solemn Christmas carol! The ending is so surprising and delightful it makes me down right cheery! I feel like singing! This little light of mine...

Gosh.

It was freezing cold. Snow piled high. Night approached. My twelve-year-old self stood outside the school with the other choristers, gripping noisemakers and lanterns. Parents, teachers and others joined the throng. We waited. Waited for total darkness. Waited for the walk to begin. Waited for solstice.

When I read this, I thought: this is going to be great. And not so surprisingly, it was.
Really, you have the perfect amount of everything. You really create a fantastic atmosphere of distance.
I love how you made something as simple as a walk with singing into something so mysteriously beautiful.

I really can't tell you how good this is enough. You're talented and I can't wait to see more!

NightWriter x

Hello!

First off, I like your username. ^_^ Bartleby the Scrivener?

It was freezing cold. Snow piled high. Night approached.

Not liking so many titchy sentences so close together, especially in a first line. You should begin with something smoother, to ease us into the reading. A short sentence and a longer one would be good, or a long and then a short, but three uber-shorts altogether is a bit much.

We waited. Waited for total darkness. Waited for the walk to begin. Waited for solstice.

See, here the pattern of three works better because you had a smooth paragraph before it. ^_^

Little did I know that all my doubts were about to evaporate.

Not liking this sentence. It’s too tell-y and obvious, too “Aiiee, something’s going to happen!” I think this would work better and be more subtle if you took this out. With it in, it’s like you’re working too hard. I don’t want to say overegging the pudding, because after years of never using that phrase, I’ve already used it once today and I think twice would be overkill. What I mean is, you’re trying too hard to make the night special. Let it speak for itself. Show us the specialness rather than tell us.

Minutes passed, the cacophony died out, and the choir began to sing as one.

After some time, we reached the turnaround of our journey; a steep and icy hill.

These phrases bug me. They’re so blah. This is a really important moment, so you should linger on it. Describe everything about it. You do a pretty good job of it in other places, but here it’s so bland and empty. These phrases tell us nothing about the time spent on the walk. Describe the night—there’s so much to see in a night sky. Stars? How many stars, how clear? Clouds? What colour clouds? The moon? What shape and type and colour a moon? The wind? What does the night smell like?

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So! Overall, this was very good. It was well written and easy to read, and apart from the opening line, it flowed very smoothly. However, this could benefit from some more description. Your whole story is about just one night, so making it easily visualise-able is essential. Slow down and describe the walk and the singing more. The surroundings. Let us see every detail. The reflections of the lights in a black puddle. The colour of the moon. The crunch and colour of the snow.

PM me if you have any questions!

~Flounder

It's really short because for the contest I was entering it in, I had a 500 word limit. Thank you very much for the review!