Young Writers Society

Rated for the sexual reference.

I've struggled with this poem and I'm not extremely confident about it. I would appreciate very much ways to improve upon this. There is a rhythm of sorts applied, but it's a mumbo-jumbo of rhythms.

*

Every Royce model drives up,
slowing, then stopping, letting out
diplomats and officers and dancers alike.
And then there she is:
dainty white feet in slippers of gold,
hanging red dress,
mirroring colours.

Her face is a mask of exotic blurred kohl
and porcelain soft lids
painted serpentine green.
Her long pale fingers are weighed down
by rubies, sapphires, diamonds crimson.
She is from Egypt, the Sierra Leone, Spain, and
London, the most proper of England.

Bulbs flash, anxious to have a black-and-white still,
but her smile is fleeting.
Hands reach toward her and her own extends
from rosebud lips outward, an airy light kiss.
Then soon she is gone over the threshold;
people sigh - she is composed and elegant and
gorgeous, they say, eyes starry and wide.

Inside, the chandeliers are even outshone,
crystalline pearls appear tarnished,
copper embellishments greening already.
It’s her - so poised, statute -
and good men lose genteel care over bejewelled hands
so they kiss heavily, drunkenly;
like whiskey, she’s amber.

To the floor, where feet entangle themselves:
she’s the Star and everyone dances, and knows,
as her partner, no one alone, all twirling, all stepping.
A smile has returned and all good men grin,
foolish as sheep, stupid young boys, wanting for
candy too sweet and not something they’ll have -
she’ll tease and taunt until two.

Lavvie,

There's some very beautiful descriptions here, but that seems to be all that this poem becomes - a bunch of prosy descriptions to describe the personality of this woman. Now, I love character-pieces. I adore things like this, because if you can paint a picture about a person in so few words, I find it not only fascinating but impressive.

However, when you're writing about a person in this tense, you have to be careful not to distance your reader. I have to ask myself, why do I care about this woman anyway? And if the poem doesn't answer that, then ultimately it really doesn't matter to me does it? So if you're intent on improving, I would say try to make your readers connect with the piece, and also your best tool for that would be metaphors. Descriptions of colors, gems, dancing - that's all very pretty, but where is the emotion? Where's the human-aspect? This woman, to everybody she appears like a star, but what is she really like? Why do people admire her? Just for materials? Is she more that what she's being depicted here? Why does she do the things that she does? What's her motivations? What are her hopes/wishes? I mean - you don't have to answer every single question, but just one will do. Just one will do. The closest you get is in the 3rd stanza (which I loved, by the way) - you have everyone fawning over her fleeting smile... It really makes me wonder.

But that's it. That's all I get.

I don't have any qualms about the rhythm. I found it flowed well overall, the pacing is pretty good and the structure doesn't inhibit the flow. I wonder about your line breaks and how those decisions were made, as a poet myself, I like to discuss these things because everyone always has their own ideas about breaks ^^ With me, I take great care to end my line with a very specific word so that I may create a strong image with each singular line. A lot of people also end their lines at a complete though - as though the line itself was a poetic sentence. I'm interested about your own decisions. I enjoyed a lot of lines, like:

Her face is a mask of exotic blurred kohl
and porcelain soft lids
painted serpentine green.

I especially enjoyed the breaks here, and the specific sounds I underlined.

Bulbs flash, anxious to have a black-and-white still

Something about the bulbs flashing and the black-and-white creates a very strong image in my hand. I also like the juxtaposition of "flash" and "still"

A smile has returned and all good men grin,

I love the 'good men grin' here. And the unity in the line, I get this sort of chess-match deal with the whole smiles returning, like people taking turns and such.

It's hard to continue the same quality in the lines throughout a 35-line piece, so there were weaker places that stood out to me as well.

Every Royce model drives up,
slowing, then stopping, letting out
diplomats and officers and dancers alike.

The first line here, I really don't suggest ending a line on a preposition because it sounds so choppy and doesn't really contribute anything to the line. Ask for yourself, why end at "up" and not "slowly" ? Why not combine "stopping and letting out diplomats...." into one line? Always experiment with your structure and lines. Move them around, switch them out, test out all possibilities.

She is from Egypt, the Sierra Leone, Spain, and
London, the most proper of England.

I know there are a lot of great poets who end their lines with "and" but why have the "and" there at all? If you want to emphasize London and have it be its own line, it's better if it stands on its own and not rely on the "and" to connect it to the previous line. Does this make sense? Feel free to ask me if you have any questions.

so they kiss heavily, drunkenly;
like whiskey, she’s amber.

I love this. Possibly my favorite lines for its many meanings. One thing I noticed - rethink some of your commas here. There are a lot xD Commas should be used to separate independent ideas from dependent ideas, phrases, or clauses - or to separate coordinating conjunctions. Don't use them if you want to indicate a pause - the words should naturally do that, or the line breaks themselves.

But good job, I know I've been picky on you and tough. I really do like your style of writing, I would like to see more. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, concerns, or comments.

~ as always, Audy

Pay attention to what audy says, he knows what he's talking about lol. (or at least i assume it's a he. It would be very awkward for me if you weren't....) annnnyyywwwwaaaayyyys i really enjoyed this piece. You had soooo much description painting such a strong image in the readers head which is my favorite type of poetry. I really really reallllllyyyy love the descriptive words you used. They sound sooo good and it makes the image even stronger. Really my only nitpick is the ending.

"she'll tease and taunt until two"

awww man! Come on major let down for the grand finale i was looking for. You led us up so well and then just kinda dropped the ball a little at the end. Well thats really my only problem, other then that this piece is excellent. Keep up the good work!



TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey Blue!

I know I’m following Audster here and her review is incredible, so I won’t beat that test of yours. However, I’ll give you the best I have, for sure.

Audy’s right about this being a character study with little more. I can see where you’re working on some materialism, some subjection and objectification. She’s definitely objectified and relating her to the whiskey works really, really well. That’s probably the best section you have, relating us back to the idea of addiction/drunkenness/the dirty nature of inebriation. I would strip almost all of the rest of this, though. You’re far too colloquial, and it crushes the flow you have going on, instead of running from line (and concept) to line (etc), I’m pausing and making sure I’m following the right string of commas.

So, on tightening this up! Taking a look at your first stanza, I think there are some relatively simple changes which would drastically improve the reading of the poem, and the impact that it’s making. I’d alter it to something similar to this:

“They drive up slow, and stop,
each diplomat and officer and dancer alike.
Then, dainty white feet in slipper gold,
Mirrored red dress – there she is. “

What we’re doing here is not just shortening this, but also adding a sense of tension. All of the diplomats, officers and dancers are alike, but what we’re waiting for is this dainty woman. Cut out some of those little words, we don’t need them because our brain connects the words anyway. Use that to your favour in poetry, no one will mind, I promise.

"Then we’ll look at your last stanza:
To the floor, where feet entangle themselves;
She is the star. The twirling know, as her partner
Knows, she is alone. She’ll taunt til two.
And all the good men grin, Foolish as young boys,
craving candy too, too sweet."

Maybe... It’s not running right and I think that’s because your ending is far too soft for the poem you’ve given us. We need something harder to end on and I suggest the whiskey image might be perfect her, perhaps have her pick the glass up, the amber. Use the mirror concept again then, to strengthen the surreal notion of the night.

I think from this you can see that losing some of the more superfluous imagery and adding a couple of full stops will help make your poem seem much more concrete. I think you’ll find that it isn’t terribly difficult to do. The most informative part of poetry is editing it, and learning what you think is good enough to keep and lose. The more times you do it, the more you realise WHY you like what you do, and how that can help your poems be the best that they can be.

Tell me if you change this at all, I would very much love to know what you do with it.

- Penguin.