Spoiler! :
I remember that first time that I’d ever let you get close to me. My skin was on fire as you peeled back the layers of my clothes, my soul. You made me hate my body, the skin that I’m forced to wear. Your hands would grip the flesh on my arms, my chest. Your teeth would leave gashes on my palest of skin. I’d pull blankets over me, trying to cover myself as you’d continue to plow your way into my life, tearing the blankets away from breast and belly to lay claim to your prize...
And during it all, I’d ache to please you. Some way... Did you want my body? I’d give you my corpse. Did you want my heart? It’s in that empty carcass somewhere. You’d love me until I couldn’t stand to move. Your love was always harsh... with your hands ripping out my hair and digging canyons into my back. You’d bruise my mouth and I’d try not to throw up as my eyes left pools of tears on your stomach and legs. I’d wipe away the bitterness afterwards along with the salt beneath my eyelids.
You don’t remember it like that... You think that your love was sweet and tender, with your hand gently caressing my body and making my skin tingle with want. You didn’t see the hair stand up on my arms... or feel the acid curling in my stomach as I laid down for you time and time again.
Tell me I’m not the only girl that was weak enough to succumb to you... tell me I’m not the only girl that’s ever lied down for you...
I’d bay at night. What you thought was the sweet sounds of love was my attempt to escape, to exhale all of the bitterness that had laid claim to my soul. I’d wretch afterwards... after you’d left and gone home for the day. I’d lay in my own vomit thinking of how pointless my life was, when all you ever needed from me wasn’t love, but someone to lay waste to, to mangle and destroy with each lustrous squeeze of my arms, my legs, my chest...
I look at myself in the mirror now and still see faintly where your mouth had been on my skin. The blood isn’t there anymore... but when I run my fingers down my arms, I can see you there for just a moment, with your head bent over my breasts. I never knew if you were smiling or snarling...
I see this shell, this ugly, withered shell and don’t know what to think of what I’ve become. I push away the thought of you, only to have it curl up with me at night, sidle in next to me and dig in its talons. Because I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t do it again... it’s so easy to lie down with dogs...
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