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Tell Me I'm A Wreck - Chapter One.



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Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:19 pm
Winchester says...



(So this has been posted on here around, what? 2-3 times? but I'm hoping this is my final draft)

Chapter 1

Adrienne's POV.

Heather banged at the door, how could a two and a half year old have this much strength? I thought to myself as I put all my weight onto my bedroom door making sure my step sister wasn’t going to come barging in any minute soon.

“Adrienne. Lemme in!” She cried, banging harder and harder every time.

“No Heather…go and find mummy!” I suggested, and as if on cue my step mums footsteps were heard coming up the stairs and Heather let go and followed her mum.

I grabbed my converse, and tried to finish getting ready for school, before being disturbed by Joanna running into my room, holding a box of utensils ready for bubble rap.

“So, Adie…remember, Roxanne’s now, Chris said he’d make your dinner and Matt’s after school” She told me, for the 100th time in the past twelve hours. I nodded, half to signal I understood, half to signal that I wanted her out, but I realised she was staring at my room, which was obviously empty, since we were moving, but it was supposed to be filled with boxes, not be completely clear with only a pair of battered red converse (which I still hadn’t had time to put on) lying on the floor.

“Adrienne, were is your stuff” She asked, slowly, trying to not make herself panic.

“Over at Roxanne’s, Chris said he’d drop the off later, Jo, my stuff is not getting ruined in a moving van, unlike last time.

Joanna rolled her eyes at me, “Adie. The only reason half of your stuff got ruined last time, is because we was moving from America to England, not down the bloody street”

“Well, we barley have time to move everything back now do we?” I pointed out, pulling on my shoes; Jo nodded, and started to walk away…but was back at the doorway within seconds.

“Adie, please inform school that it was not my idea to dye your hair bright red” She finished off, and finally left me.

I made my way downstairs, and out the front door only to be confronted by rain, I stared across the road to by best friend, Roxanne’s house, which she shared with her parents and older brother Chris. I then remembered that my hoodie’s and jackets were packed, and I was stood under the porch in jeans, converse and a long sleeved t-shirt.

I sighed, and made a run for it, almost getting knocked over by a car, I ran up Roxanne’s front garden and as soon as I reached the door, I started to knock, and shout.

“Rox, Chris! Get one of your asses down here right now! Or else.” I threatened; I carried on knocking, the rain getting me wetter by the second.

Finally, the door opened and I was stood staring at a familiar, dark haired twenty-one year old, who was just looking at me laughing, I pushed past him and started the journey to the kitchen. Trust me, it was truly a journey, I was never sure what rooms had carpet or wooden flooring, since they were either covered with books or had some sort of animal running around.

I had adapted well, the three years of knowing her and somehow managed to jump or avoid any obstacles and managed to safely get the kitchen and retrieve the hot chocolate Chris had prepared for me, it sat on the counter along with two others, one for Roxanne, and one for Matt - my other best friend.

I relaxed into a chair and rested my head on the table, and saw that Chris had finally arrived, and was staring at my hair, It took me a second to realise why before remembering that, I dyed my hair around 10pm, meaning the only people who had seen my hair transform from it’s usual brunette colour, to bright red.

“Adrienne, I’d ask you why, but the answer will be ‘because I wanted to’ so, I’m just going to leave you with, your going to get killed” He told me, I looked at him and then went back to burring my head into my hands.

“No shit Sherlock” I muttered, closing my eyes and suddenly getting sleepy, before long I was interrupted my phone going off. I sat up and pulled my phone out of my pocket, Chris raised his eyebrows.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, trying to get a peek of the text I just opened.

“No, it isn’t Justin and I are currently not talking” I informed him, he rolled his eyes at me, having one of his I-know-were-not-related-but-we-may-as-well-be-brother-and-sister-anyway-so-I’m-going-to-be-all-protective-because-I-can’t-be-like-this-with-Roxanne-because-she’s-mostly-a-good-girl moments. “It’s Matt, he’s walking down now” and as I finished, I heard the door open, followed by a faint bloody hell from extremely gay best friend.

Within seconds Matt was shouting at me over my hair, acting more like a strict big brother, who had some sort of reputation to upload unlike Chris, who enjoyed being slightly over protective. This wasn’t the worst I had done, and school wasn’t going to do anything, they weren’t overly strict anyway, it was one of the few schools in England that didn’t have a uniform, which I guess was okay after moving from New Jersey in June 2007, meaning Matt and Roxanne would have been coming towards the end of their first year in St John’s High School, and today was the day we started our final year. I had never got in major trouble, I had had a few run in’s with the rules, and teachers and had walked out of class a few times, but they were used to it by now.


When the shouting, and the “you have done a good job though” from Matt finished, Roxanne made an appearance, finally ready, she also had two umbrellas in hand, and threw one at me.

“I knew you would forget one” She sighed, picking up Felix one of her five cat’s, and stroking her, Roxanne was extremely ditzy, but was somehow one of the most intelligent, artistic and weirdest people you could meet, which made me love everything about her, well…not counting her habit for collecting books and animals.

But still, as much as I loved her, it was easy to take the piss out of her dizziness, as was proven by me whispering to Matt;

“Bet you a fiver she won’t notice the hair for half an hour”
"Winner, winner, chicken dinner" Wise words said by the one and only, Dean Winchester.
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:56 pm
Gg127 says...



I really like your writing style! It is well thought out. However, some of the sentences were terse and choppy. I would use a broader range of vocabulary to make the story more intriguing. Add on to it a little bit more and im sure it will be fantastic!
  





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Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:49 pm
Blues says...



Hi Geronimo, here as requested!

Let's... begin XD
The suggestions for improvement
Okay, gonna be a bit nit-picky:

you wrote:Heather banged at the door. How could a two and a half year old have this much strength?[/b] I thought to myself as I put all my weight onto my bedroom door making sure my step sister wasn’t going to come barging in any minute soon.

This is a little clearer to read.
holding a box of utensils ready for bubble wrap.

“So, Adie…remember, Roxanne’s now, Chris said he’d make your dinner and Matt’s after school,

Bubble wrap. Rap is rapping or knocking at a door. Wrap is wrapping a present etc.
Also, you missed out a comma here. I notice you do this quite a bit. This link might help - punctuation in Dialogue You miss out some punctuation between the word and the speech mark, sometimes.

This is very picky of me
you wrote:I nodded, half to signal I understood, half to signal that I wanted her out, but I realised she was staring at my room, which was obviously empty, since we were moving, but it was supposed to be filled with boxes, not be completely clear with only a pair of battered red converse (which I still hadn’t had time to put on) lying on the floor.

Separate these into different sentences. It's a bit hard to read it in one go...

“Over at Roxanne’s, Chris said he’d drop the off later, Jo, my stuff is not getting ruined in a moving van, unlike last time.

Joanna rolled her eyes at me[s],[s/]. “Adie.

I'm confused. At first I thought it was narration but there are speech marks...

we barley have time

Barely. Barley is the stuff beer (I think, or I might've gotten confused with cider) is made of.

But still, as much as I loved her, it was easy to take the piss out of her dizziness, as was proven by me whispering to Matt;

“Bet you a fiver she won’t notice the hair for half an hour”

You missed out a full stop at the end. The semi-colon should also be a colon.

What I really recommend is reading through the whole piece. In some places, I found it really hard to actually say the words (even in my head) without stumbling because there weren't any full stops.

Overall

This is good, but this didn't... 'hook' me. Normally, to keep readers and what really makes a good beginning, is when something important begins the story. For example, in a novel of mine, I had a character feel guilty because he thought he was the cause of the disappearance of some people. He recounted when they disappeared. Lots of people said that they were hooked and enjoyed it because of that - cliffhangers and when questions in the reader's head arise. For example, in Harry Potter, I remember thinking - why was the boy left there? What had happened that day? Etc. We want to keep reading for a reason, and answers are a brilliant way. This just seemed like a normal day where nothing significant happens. Unless there is something actually fishy going on, then maybe this scene just doesn't fit at the beginning. If something is significant, we need to FEEL that. That is really important.

I did like your writing style (despite the no breaks to breathe because of the lack of full stops). You've got a voice that obviously fits this character well, and I really liked that. It's great to read a book with a strong voice and books with strong voices are the ones I love.

I do hope I wasn't harsh at all! I don't mean to be mean or anything XD But I really feel that the improvements I suggested will drastically help the story.

Good luck and keep writing! Feel free to ask me a question on anything :)

Mac
  








I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye