Young Writers Society

[Removed at author's request]

MMM,

Dibs on this! I shall come back to review this proper! But for now, try using this color instead of white: D4D4D4

This is very deep and I liked it.
But I have to be picky on the way you laid it out, I didn't really get a good feel for it because it seemed really muddled up for me but that might just be me so it doesn't matter.
Anyway, I liked the title as it was one quick word and didn't give away the rest of what the poetry might be about, so that's good. Overall, I think you should keep writing poetry as you have really good potential. Well done.

Alright, Pepper, I'm here for that review. And I'll try my best but, as we have already discovered over the past while, I'm dense as cardboard especially when I should be going to bed.

In any case, I'll try to be as much help as possible!

Poem removed at author's request.

Er... yes. Right. I, well, I was thrown off by this. It took me a couple of reads simply to try and connect the words together in a way that made some kind of sense. Usually you're pretty meticulous about things like that so I will admit I was surprised by it.

By big problem lies with the added 'a'. The thought process wasn't very smooth in that sense and although I know you like to add purposeful enjambment often. Just, the thought process in itself still makes very little sense put together because of how it sounds. And its such a sharp, unrealistic sound.

It also jumps. Quite a wide jump, in fact. I love the imagery, hun, but sometimes too many images thrown around can be a little disconcerting. A finger trap sucking Autumn wind is a little hard to break down.

Poem removed at author's request.

Another example of your sentence structure running in its own direction would be right here. The burnt brick. Up until and even after this line, the thought is relative and one we can sort of keep and or understand. I don't know if the brick really matched up or connected.

After that, you have something really interesting, and really special.

Poem removed at author's request.

This is what I look forward to from you. That one stanza or paragraph that not only takes all those sporatic, almost impulsive thought processes and ties them in for something a little more sensual and inspiring. Its what makes me respect you as a writer and as a poet. I can't wrap my head around lines like this without feeling something. You create so much emotion with your poems, its ridiculous.

Now, as it goes, I can't speak for anyone else, but subtlety is a beautiful thing and something that should be used with utmost patience. I sometimes wonder if you're using your subtlety as effectually as you probably could, seeing as you love your metaphors, your enjambment, and your imagery. Its all so bright and brilliant that the eclectic images make it very hard to really process or understand the reason or the point.

And maybe that's the allure of your poetry. Simply not really knowing. Not ever knowing. I shouldn't suspect I'll ever be deep enough to know, though I can't help but respect you and this.

So, if anything, I loved this. Even if it confused me and often left me a bit jarred, I did find it stirring.

You amaze me. Constantly.

~Walker

Poem removed at author's request.

I do not mind the 'a' so much, this is quite a frenetic piece, so an unexpected pivot here and there works with the tone, it also serves as a musical pause to emphasis the next idea,creating more definite shape and structure. Did it mean I had to read it multiple times? Yes it did, but I wanted to anyway so it is not a dealbreaker. There are some verses that line to line are organic and lyrical and exact in an unobtrusive way, this is not like that, this isn't a pastorale, it's crazy methhead busker in the subway. It could be Joshua Bell with a stradivarius in a behavioral science experiment, but you still can't make eye contact.

From a musical standpoint it is atonal, it avoids a central thesis, it's not something you hum in the shower, you cannot sum up what it is in fewer words, which is how it should be. It is held together with red and splashes of aliteration. It still has a definite line, images don't overlap, they lead in. "I give thanks..." is the chorale, Mr Britten, from there the grand meaning and tragedy. Thank you for the sense imagery, may I have another.

I think this could be expanded into a larger suite, however, the next thing I want to see from you are some precise, focused, sustained studies, as a disciplinary thing. You have a matured style and a strong sense of who you are as a poet, which is excellent and rare, but also limiting. You need to know you can write in any style and form as well as any who choose them before you pick it. Any composer who means to be remembered must study Palestrina, any painter, the old masters. To supercede the remembered poets, you must outflank them technically. Whht- chhhhhh. That is my whip.

This was beautiful I fell in love with the poetic voice and you conveyed the emotion perfectly and effortlessly. Great job

~Jess