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Watched(expanded)



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Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:09 am
Justlittleoleme says...



Spoiler! :
A little adventure story I cooked up in the spur of the moment...this is more of a rough draft and its not quite finished but I figured I might as well go ahead and post it up...I hope you enjoy it :wink:




A cool breeze whipped around my rain wet shoulders, lifting away the heat of my exhausted body. I had been running all day, despite the light drizzle of rain, following the well known trails of my families extensive property. I loved the exercise and the scenery, it had never failed to lift my spirits... except for today that is. I looked up into the gray sky and sighed outwardly, it was just as wild and churned up as my emotions. I shivered and walked against the wind, savoring the refreshing bite of it on my skin. It was the first moment of that whole day where I had felt a little clear headed. It was normal for me to feel restless but today was just crazy. My legs started pumping, carrying me down the lonely backwoods trail. I had no real destination in mind as I dodged and leaped over the various mud puddles that dotted the path, it was the need to escape from my own emotions that pushed me on past the normal markers and down twisting trails I had never taken before.
The farther I went the more disused the trails became. Long creepers and thorns stretched out in front of me, sometimes raking painfully across my arms and ankles. The tree’s around me became bigger and older, their branches heavier and twisted, reaching out above me and blocking out the small bit of gray light from the sky. Before I knew it I could barely see in front of me, too late I realized I had gone too far. I skidded to a stop, my heart pounding in my chest, my muscles screaming at me, steam rising off my body. I could no longer feel the cool of a breeze, only the hot mugginess of the late summer twilight.
I turned around and tried to go back the way I had come but the over grown trail had all but disappeared in the gloomy light. I tried forcing it, retracing my steps and praying the trail would reappear. The light continued to fade, I could barely make out my hands in front of my face, and I saw no end to the forest around me. The farther I went the more lost I felt. Slowly the electric sensation of fear filled me, pumping its vile venom through my veins. Already I could feel my worn out muscles beginning to shake uncontrollably.
Panicked, I tried to think of someway out of this nightmare but my brain just wouldn’t work right, so caught up in the fear of spending the night in unknown forest. I started running again, guessing at where the trail turned and weaved through the trees. Things finally started looking less thick, the tree’s farther apart. Relief flooded through me when I saw a rotten log I thought I recognized. I ran faster, so sure that I could see a definite trail threading along the forest floor.
I had to put on the brakes suddenly, sliding to my butt in the mud. I let out a wail of helplessness, for there, right in the center of what I had moments ago sworn was the right way, was a small pond, black and murky in the dim light.
I didn’t even bother to stand up, my body was spent, my heart was racing. Discouraged, I allowed myself to fall the rest of the way into the mud, letting the earthy smell of it sting my nose. I felt worn out and angry. I had been so sure I was on the right track! Where had this stupid pond come from? There weren’t even supposed to be ponds out here.
A mosquito buzzed somewhere near my head and I swatted out, batting my own ear painfully. That was the last straw, I felt something break way within me. A sob escaped my throat, echoing into the now pitch black air. All of the frustration and fear poured out of me in waves of big wet tears that streaked across my cheeks and down my neck. It seemed like everything that had happened to me in the last few weeks was pouring out. It was not just the fear of being lost, it was all of the anger, frustration, and betrayal, all the fears of what the future held. Everything I had been holding in was suddenly bubbling out, and I was just too exhausted to stop it. I turned and curled up on myself, grasping my arms to my body, not caring that my hair was muddy. I cried and cried for I don’t know how long, feeling like a big helpless baby but unable to stop the overflow of emotion. I cried myself to sleep, laying in a bed of mud and leaves.
I woke up later that night, my eyes dry and my face sticky. I felt empty but somehow better, like a weight had fallen off my shoulders. I prayed a silent prayer for deliverance and uncurled myself, making my tired body sit up out of the mud. I looked up at the moon shinning down from a clear and starry sky. It dappled the world around me in pale blue light, reflecting off the dark little pond, making it glow and dance like something strange and beautiful. I starred long and hard at it, letting the surreal scene imprint itself into memory. I took a deep breath, and tried to stand up, but my legs felt like jello beneath me, all I could manage to do was crawl a little ways out of the mud to an old log I could lean against. It took a moment to get comfortable and even after a ton of rearranging I still had a few sticks sticking me in my back, but at least it was better than laying in the mud.
I tried falling back asleep but I suddenly felt very uneasy. Every time I started to doze off something would spur me right back up. My eyes rested upon the opposite bank of the little pool, admiring the dreamy beauty of it, but the longer I stared the more nervous I felt.
I just could not shake the feeling that something, somewhere was watching me…

I heard a branch brake, the small echo it made trailed through the suddenly quiet forest. I was tempted to call out, to demand if anyone or anything was there. I opened my mouth and nearly choked on my own words as two big yellow eyes blinked at me from the moon struck shadows. I froze, the very blood within me suddenly ice in cold veins. The grim reaper himself could not have inspired the pure horror that that those two little points of yellow light created. I felt, in one word, hopeless, and as I watched, inch by inch, my eyes began to reveal to me, the secret of that little pond. Detail by detail, I began to pick out the curves and contours of the monster that crouched, not a stones throw away. I knew without being told, the name of my demise, for there, in the shadows, the body of a mountain lion crouched and watched.
I almost felt betrayed by life, by the very scene before me, once so beautiful, now so horrifying. I noted how the lines of its body, the color of its coat, blended so well in the pale light of the moon, in the stark shadows it created. I wanted to run, to leave that cruel harbinger of death in the dust of memory, but with renewed helplessness I knew that I could never out run her. The horror stories of young women, joggers like me, eaten alive by that savage carnivore filled my minds eye with pictures of my own bloody death, of the headlines my parents would read in the morning paper. I wanted to scream, to strike out at the injustice of it all, but the most I could managed was to stare back, to look deeper and deeper into those piercing eyes, as pale and consuming as death itself.
Like a wraith, I saw her creep with the passage of the moon, following the sweeping shadows as they crawled ever so slowly across the forest floor. Time molded it self around her, hours felt like eternity, till all I could remember was the beating of my shivering heart and the burning yellow of those eyes on my throat. Before I new it, she was right there, crouched at my feet, so close I could have reached out and touched her. I felt hot breath sweep across my thorn scratched ankles and I knew she was savoring the smell of my now dried blood.
I couldn't breath, I couldn't blink, I prayed another prayer, this one for forgiveness, for understanding, and for a quick death. Then, I remembered something, something my fear muddled brain had over looked...

To be continued...
Last edited by Justlittleoleme on Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:45 am, edited 11 times in total.
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:13 am
catchingwave says...



Hey this is a great story! A few grammatical errors here and there but besides that, I think it was awesome! I love the way you've described the events in your story. Good work! Can't wait to read the next part.
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2011 11:00 am
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Davethepenquin says...



This story is awesome! I agree with catchingWave that there are a few grammatical mistakes but i really enjoyed reading this. Very Good. :D
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Sun Sep 04, 2011 3:04 pm
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Noelle says...



Hi there!

This is a really good start. I know it's not finished so I'm going to try and keep my review free of the questions I have. So, you did a good job introducing your character. I like how we first meet he/she when their in a tough situation. It really shows how brave/not brave they are. Normally I would be asking you why this character is running and where they're running to, but I'm guessing that will be revealed in the next part? You imagery is great and you did a good job of showing instead of telling.

Overall I enjoyed reading this. As the above comments have mentioned, there are some grammer errors, but once you read over this again I'm sure you'll find them yourself. Let me know when/if you put up more of this. Keep writing!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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Mon Sep 12, 2011 12:46 am
JesusFreak900 says...



That was insanely fantastic... I am seriously really impressed with this brief snippet of story you have here. The atmosphere that you created is so real and ominous. I liked the character backstory that you added also. It felt like it got slightly muddled around the tense relationship with the boyfriend bit, but other than that it was wonderful! Would you consider making more parts to this or possibly making a full length story? Please say yes!
  





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Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:28 am
Justlittleoleme says...



XD Thanks sooo much guys! I'm glad you liked it...I will eventually finish, I'm just kinda stuck on how the next scene should go...sort of a writers block kinda deal, but no worries, I'll get the writing bug again, you can probably expect the next part sometime this week...

THanks again, Justlittleol'me
  





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Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:04 am
IamZoomie says...



Hello, Justlittleoleme, as you can see, I'm Zoomie.

The Review Key:
Insert word, phrase, punctuation, symbol here. This word and/or phrase will be reviewed in the passage under this quote.

Remove selected word, phrase, punctuation, or symbol.

We should get started, ne?

Nitpicks:

I loved the exercise and the scenery, it had never failed to lift my spirits...Spaceexcept for today that is.


Just a small nit pick, and I am being a bit picky, but there should be a space between where the ellipse ends and another word begins.

I looked up into the gray sky, and sighed outwardly, it was just as wild and churned up as my emotions.


The flow of the sentence is better without the awkward pause.

I shivered, and walked against the wind, savoring the refreshing bite of it on my skin.


See above quote.

I turned around, and tried to go back the way I had come, but the over grown trail had all but disappeared in the gloomy light.


Panicked, I tried to think of someway out of this nightmare but my brain just wouldn’t work right, so caught up in the fear of spending the night in an unknown forest.


I started running again, guessing at where the trail had a turned and weaved through the trees.


Even if, for some reason, you want to keep "had" in that sentence - it would still make sense - the "a" needs to be removed. I'm supposing for now that it was a typo, a slip of the fingers.

I let out a wail of helplessness, for there, right in the center of what I had moments ago sworn was the right way, was a small pond, black and murky in the dim light.


Discouraged, I allowed myself to fall the rest of the way into the mud, letting the earthy smell of it sting my nose.


I felt worn out, and angry.


I prayed a silent prayer for deliverance and uncurled my self, making my tired body sit up out of the mud.


'Myself' is one word.

I took a deep breath, and tried to stand up, but my legs felt like jello beneath me, all I could manage to do was crawl a little ways out of the mud to an old log I could lean against.


I just could not shake the feeling that something, somewhere, was watching me….


It is perfectly fine to end a sentence in an ellipse, the extra period added on is incorrect. And, also, you need to close the commas after "somewhere".

I heard a branch brake, the small echo it made trailing through the suddenly quiet forest.


Because this sentence - the story, really - is written in past tense then the highlighted word also need to be in the past tense. Change "trailing" to "trailed".

I almost felt betrayed, by life, by the very scene before me, once so beautiful, now so horrifying.


The horror stories of young women, joggers like me, eaten alive by that savage carnivore, filled my minds eye with pictures of my own bloody death, of the headlines my parents would read in the morning paper.


I've one question: If she knew already of these stories then why did she proceed to run into the woods?

Like a wraith, I saw her creep with the passage of the moon. Following the sweeping shadows as they crawled ever so slowly across the forest floor.


The second sentence is a fragment, you need to combine it somehow with the sentence before. I suggest switching the first period into a comma and changing "Following" to an all lower-case letter.

Overall:

I've no real complaints about your story in general. The only thing I can think to say is that you often tell us what is happening instead of showing us. Now, I won't lecture you as I am sure you know exactly what I'm referring to. However, in case you do not know what I'm talking about - to show instead of tell - then, by all means, private message me and I will elaborate further on the concept.

Your story, though a tad bit vague, was intriguing. I'm interested in finding out what exactly caused her to run off in the first place and what it is she remembered at the end. Even now I'm thinking that the story was vague on purpose, knowingly done to invoke a type of mystery and wonder.

Anyway, good job, and if you choose to continue this I would like very much to be alerted on the next chapter.

Zoomie
“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.”
Tori Amos
  





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Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:25 am
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Justlittleoleme says...



Thanks for the review Zoomie! I will admit, I made the story vague on purpose...however I'm starting to think that I made it just a little more vague than I meant to. I may need to go back and work on that concept a bit.

Oh, and about the part of her running in the woods when she's heard the stories. You have to admit, humans do not always consider just what the consequences of their actions could be, neither do we ever really think that such horror stories could happen to ourselves...sure, we may approach life a little more cautiously after reading a bad story, but that doesn't usually stop us from going about our normal lives and doing what we want to do. I mean if every jogger in the world listened to the stories of young women being rapped, eaten by mountain lions, and kidnapped, there would be a considerable lack of joggers in the world...don't you agree :wink:
  





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Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:54 am
IamZoomie says...



I see what you mean, Just. I don't suppose the dangers of the woods would be running through your main characters head when it was already so muddled with the day's events. I understand now that it was a very - how to say? - disembodied comment, if that makes sense. I mean to say the comment was made from the outside looking in, it was written from a view point other than one of the main character's. Like commenting negatively on horror movies, the classic "don't go into the closet", as if it is obvious when if you yourself were in the situation the closet may seem like the best idea since whatever the last best idea was.

Also, I didn't mean to say your character was running away, as in physically. When I said "to run off" I meant "to go off running". What made her feel the need to take a jog? What troubled her? It's strange how simply wording a small part of your sentence a certain way can change the meaning.
“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.”
Tori Amos
  





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Wed Sep 14, 2011 4:07 am
Justlittleoleme says...



ohhhh, now I understand...it is funny how the way we word things can change our meanings so much...I guess that's something I haven't thought about much my self...what was really bothering my character, what led her to go out running in the first place? That's something I'm going to have to do some thinking about...I guess I was just trying to avoid giving my readers an information dump, like my characters whole back story, and ended up not giving any information at all...sorry, and thanks so much for bringing it to my attention ;)
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:58 am
Jashael says...



Hey, Justlittleoleme! Thanks for the review request. Sorry that I couldn't get to this earlier. I'm just too busy these days. D: Since you said that this is just a draft, I'll just briefly discuss some things; I'm not going to do a detailed review. First would be the nitpicks.

sighed outwardly


I have a feeling that this is a bit redundant. Do you sigh inwardly? Don't abuse adverbs. Use it only when you really need it.

I had no real destination in mind as I dodged and leaped over the various mud puddles that dotted the path, it was the need to escape from my own emotions that pushed me on past the normal markers and down twisting trails I had never taken before.


This should be two separate sentences. Instead of using a comma, try a semicolon. It's more powerful. Plus this could actually be considered as a comma splice.

The tree’s around me became bigger and older, their branches heavier and twisted, reaching out above me and blocking out the small bit of gray light from the sky.


No need for apostrophe, dear. There is no possessive case here. Just trees. It's should only be the plural form.

Before I knew it I could barely see in front of me, too late I realized I had gone too far.


Another comma splice. How do you actually do it? Let's take a look here:

I took a deep breath, and tried to stand up, but my legs felt like jello beneath me; all I could manage to do was crawl a little ways out of the mud to an old log I could lean against.


I wanted to run, to leave that cruel harbinger of death in the dust of memory; but with renewed helplessness I knew that I could never out run her.


This...

I couldn't breath, I couldn't blink, I prayed another prayer, this one for forgiveness, for understanding, and for a quick death.


Could be...

I couldn't breath, I couldn't blink. I prayed another prayer, this one for forgiveness, for understanding, and for a quick death.


You know now I understand what you're trying to do with comma splices; you want to add flavor to your piece. But when sentences get confusing and jumbled up, it just doesn't work anymore. Getting out of standard comma usage is nice as in the previous line: I couldn't breathe, I couldn't blink. The stop there. I think it only works for sentences that share a common theme, or maybe something that adds emotion, or drama. I say stick to that, and don't use comma splices to long sentences, especially ones that have a lot of subordinate clauses attached to either independent clauses.

And I'm off to your style. Your style is great. I really like it. I like the descriptions. But -- since there's "expanded" in the title, I'm assuming this is rewritten -- unfortunately, at times it was a bit boring, especially at the start. It wasn't because of the long sentences (though I've been desperate for a short one, which you used only occasionally; but it's OK since it's your style), or the long descriptions; I personally liked your narration. What seemed to be missing was the kind of fleshing out I think you're looking for: suspense. This is clearly suspense. But having to read through a long narration of getting lost would probably make a lot of potential readers quit reading it. What I'm trying to say is add more clues as you narrate: sprinkle a bit of ambiguous information here and there, maybe a bit from his/her past or so. Was she really expecting the creature? Say something about the past or so. You don't have to spill it out. You wouldn't even ruin the resolution, most probably. Just add a tad more clues. So far, the only clue I'd gotten from the start was when s/he looked at the sky and said that it was kinda like his/her feelings/emotions.

Having said that, I think you're a very good writer. I love your style. And I am serious. I hope you fix up those thrill issues. Let's see whom those yellow eyes belongs to. Keep writing!

~ Jash B.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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