Young Writers Society

Tristesse

Ivory keys, sing to me -
sweet thoughts a melodious motion.
In fervent hearts, a passion’s song.
Inkling to hope, want to love,
pain to ease such needs away.
And all that’s left is you.

Crescendo heights, a winter’s cold,
blanketed in sharp, rigid sound.
Fresh wounds concealed -
The wish and desire to create,
repulsed by the arctic barrier,
of an icy organ’s steady thump.

I kiss the sound, petal-light.
Draw it in with every breath,
and let the warmth return, fiery.
Fingers splayed over a candle’s flame,
intoxicated in the tender heat.
An intimate temperate moment.

Dance away, oh lovely one.
A rendering of lukewarm kindness,
until all is but a tepid memory.
Cursed resonance, unassailable hum,
and then silence, oh silence.
A tristesse for what once was.

~~

This is absolutely beautiful, Walker. Seriously. Chopin!? This is one of my favorites. Nothing compliments poetry like this but classic piano, you genius. The words were melodic. I played the link as I read your poem and it went together so seemlessly. You seriously did nail Tristesse. I haven't listened to Chopin or Liszt or Bach for awhile. Now you've gone in put me in the mood with this wonderful poem. I love this!

I tried to decide which stanza stood as my favorite, but each one I went through, read, then finished left me speechless, because the words were so weightless. There was no need for forced articulation, nor were there any signs throughout the length of this poem. You really did seem to allow the music flow through you to create such poetic imagery. And I think that's the point of music when writing something based off of the emotions it sends you. Your opening line was crisp. Each beginning line carried the weight of the entire stanza following it.

I wish you'd do another poem like this one. Maybe one on Satie? Or how about Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. A bit darker I think. I wonder how you'd perceive it into a poem. I would be stoked to see what you come up with. You did such a nice job with this in my opinion.

Great work. Look forward to seeing more from you!

-Smylin'

I Loved it this was really outstanding Dance away, oh lovely one.
A rendering of lukewarm kindness,
until all is but a tepid memory.
Cursed resonance, unassailable hum,
and then silence, oh silence.
A tristesse for what once was.

Hi there!

I love this poem! This is also one of my favourites now. I love that piece! The sound is so... sad, delicate, and beautiful! I listened to Tristesse while reading the poem This poem is a really pretty one! The poem flows smoothly, the stanzas are in good shape, and the poem fits the song perfectly! I don't think there are any nit-picks in the poem. Awesome job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3

P.S. Love Chopin!

This is epic! you choose your words wisely which makes this good

Stunning. Absolutely lovely.

And yes, Chopin is the best. Ever.

I have decide to listen to Chopin as I write this review! Hopefully it will infuse me with some sense!

1. Word choice

First I'd like to say, as a bit of a musician myself, I loved the way you incorporated words like "Crescendo heights" and the word "melodious". They really anchor the poem in its musical setting, though I can't help but feel it would be better with more of them.

Also there are some beautiful phrases like "arctic barrier" and "petal-light", but they seem to have nothing to do with music or the themes you're using in the poem. It's a bit like they're there to sound poetic, which isn't a great reason, really. I think you'd find you had a better poem if you stuck to one theme, be that music or the elemental "fire/ice" idea, though I'll come onto that later. First I should talk about your theme.

2. Theme

You've clearly got the hang of structure in your poem -- each stanza is nicely laid out, all of equal line-length (*hopefully* a clever reference to the ordered structure of musical scores!) and they all deal with something separate except for the last which combines them all. This is great -- but the themes you've picked for the 2nd and 3rd stanzas confuse me somewhat.

• When I started reading I could see the piano, though the 3rd and 4th lines in the 1st stanza don't seem quite as powerful as the others.
• Then, in the second stanza, we're transported to a world of ice with only the faintest references to music -- the "crescendo heights" are, as ever, lovely! But they aren't developed so the reader forgets them.
• The third stanza heats things up a bit, but really doesn't have enough of a grounding in sound or music to feel like it's building on anything.
• In the final stanza, you mix together the fire and ice themes *and* the music ideas into something that ends with sense, but begins with confusion.

Perhaps I'm not very clever with poetry, but I found it a bit too much, really. I think it'd be stronger if you could stick to just one or two of the themes and, as this *was* inspired by Chopin, perhaps music should be it? While it's nice for some poems to be just expressive explorations, it's also nice for them to have direction and something to say. See if you can uncover exactly what it is that your poem is trying to say.

3. Imagery

You've got a great way with words, Dreamwalker. I keep looking back at the poem and enjoying individual lines, but I still stick to my point that it's too much of an eclectic mix at the moment. If you can pick certain parts of your imagery to expand and extend then that will help with the direction and themes as well. Again, as I've said before, more musical words and extended metaphors rather than many individual ones would work best, in my opinion.

Overall

I always envy poets who see the world in a completely different way to me, and I envy them more if they can write it down well! You definitely fit these two categorys, and I think with a bit of pruning then this could be an excellent poem as well. I hope my review wasn't too disorganised, but I've been rather busy whilst writing this, so feel free to PM me for any clarifications!


Charlie

This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.

WOW! This is really, really beautiful!
Your choice of words, the rythm, the imagery, the structure and stanzas.. it was all just amazing!
I'm sure this is not flawless but to me it was perfect... I just felt at awe reading this and I can't find anything to complain on I'm sure, judging by the length of Charlies rewiew that he said something helpful but I'm afraid I cannot, nor do I wanna search for flaws since this is magical as it is! xD

I'm gonna go over the line and give you 6/5 icky, sticky spiders!!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hello! Here as requested. Hope I do a good job.

Ivory keys, sing to me -
sweet thoughts a melodious motion.

beautiful opening. Just exquisiteness.

Crescendo heights, a winter’s cold,
blanketed in sharp, rigid sound.

I like this part.

A rendering of lukewarm kindness,

This part jerked me to a stop. I was enjoying it, and then this made me stop. it kind of disrupts the flow.

I really liked this. It was a nice, new outlook on the piano, and I really liked it.
Nice job!
~Dramma

I entered your poem in the 10,000 point contest, i was so impressed.