Aldenora: Dust (Chapter 1)

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 952
Reviews 15
(This is the edited version of Chapter One. So the previous comments won't be direct since I changed the words. o-o)

.:One:.


Annaria starred at her hands while she sat in the field were the grass only comes up to her shoulder. She was alone in the darkness, and she wanted to keep it that way. On the brightest nights, she would come out of castle, sit outside, and stare at the illuminating stars for hours. Her mother would gain angrier with her, as she continued such actions. She could not go outside at night, since it was a rule given to her. She felt trapped in a cold cage, no were to go, nowhere to flee and breathe fresh air. Just being able to view the around herself, than explore it. She wanted to break out of this cage, and be free and pass the boundaries of where she was restricted to go. She was just content that she isn't being killed for doing this.
There was something that she desired most though; magic. She's here to learn the elements of magic and use it properly. She hadn't even learned a single spell. Only did she watch the others, and their illuminating crystal necklace. Seeing the varieties of spells leave their hand and effect their opponent made her slink off into the darkness, going further each time. Having to leave Earth and her family was one thing. Not being able to hold the power of magic had collided with her hate that was building.
If she could, she would go back into the past and change everything, as she thought, so this situation wouldn't have happened. The only thing that she felt positive was the diversity of this world, and it's creatures that man would only call a myth, Unicorn's, Dragon's, Magic, Fire Bird's, everything. The few things that kept her eyes open, and to wake up to a new, boring day. She had a unicorn of her own, one that had a coat black as the night sky, and grey eyes that reflected every emotion that he felt. She called him Distreigh, and every day she would walk up to his stall and play with him. It was on the first day she arrived on Aldenora she locked eyes with Distreigh, and he was only a colt then. She slowly saw the vigorous colt die out, as he grew stronger and much taller over the years.
Even though Distreigh wasn't a colt anymore , he still will act like one in the pasture. Tossing his head and kicking his legs outward while he played in the pasture with the other Unicorns. There were few incidents with his playful manor. While some people tried to restrain Distreigh to put him in the stall for the night, he inflicted a couple scars upon them. Annaria even has some scars were his horn had punctured her skin a couple times. She just has to train Distreigh to know that he's much stronger now, and that he can cause damage to others. That was the least of her problems though; other things bothered Annaria that she didn't know the answer to.
Annaria had questions that needed the answer, but she never found it. Her questions wouldn't be answered by anybody, as if it was a secret that she had to find out. Seeing the eye's hold the answer yet it wouldn't flow into her ears. She begins to wonder if they're hiding something important from her that' dangerous. On the other hand, she thought she's bait, to lure in the enemy so they can slaughter it, then just as well kill her. She started to believe that she is bait, since she listened closely to conversations.
Holding her body against the brick wall, she would listen carefully when Queen Elisi, her Aldenora mom, is talking about Annaria to another person. The one name that she heard turn up the most was Wolvard and how he will one day attack this castle. Annaria searched the library for any information about this Wolvard person, yet she found nothing. Not everything can be a secret forever, and Annaria knew that. One day the answers will come to her and flood her mind with possible ecstasy and exhilaration.
The birds' squawks died down as rays of sunlight appeared just at the tip of the mountain, cascading over the forest and field. She looked up, the night sky now faded to a soft blue haze. The once illuminating stars now faded away as if they never existed. Annaria turned her head to view her mimicking shadow that extended out across the field that appeared when the light edged its way over the mountains.
Wind blew her dark brown hair out of her face, revealing her different colored eyes, in which she found strange. One eye was blue, while the other was red. When she was on Earth, she drew attention from everybody that cached her gaze, as people asked questions about her red eye. It felt like torture for her, living in a world were the same question repeats, and she doesn't even know the answer to that question.
She stood up from the ground and arched her back, followed by series of satisfying cracks. Taking a glance at the castle, she already saw a couple people walking through the grey stone hallways. She thought that they could be either looking for her, or preparing a morning feast. She took rather short strides toward the large stable that held well over one hundred unicorns. Her pace descended until it came to a halt, in front of a large wooden door. She wrapped her hand around the cold metal handle, and then looked down. She looked at her reflection that barley stood out, and looked at her eyes. She despised looking in the mirror and seeing her mismatched eyes. It always brought back memories, harsh memories that would never go away, as if it were like a scar on her arm that always stood out.
She pulled her eyes off her reflection and focused on pulling the doors. The doors didn't go outward, they went sideways, and everybody always had trouble opening them. She pushed onto the handle, forcing her weight and strength against it, making the door reveal what lied inside. She did the same to the other one, though only opening it halfway until she stepped in. Moments later, a hoarse growl that overlapped the neighs' from the unicorns. Annaria didn't find the growl, since she knew well enough that it wouldn't harm her.
A large bulky six-foot wolf stepped out from the darkened corner of the stable, still having his rows of fangs seen. His fangs were an off-white color with stains of crimson dotting his teeth in various places. The wolves in Aldenora are quite spectacular creatures. Ranging from five through six feet tall and various pelt colors, they are also one of the strongest land creatures. The Wolfs' coat shined a mix of grays, blacks, and browns. The wolf still didn't calm down even though he knew her eyes well, he knew well enough of the shape shifters around Aldenora.
"It's me, Annaria. I'm only here to see Distreigh, and you are in my way." Annaria said with a demanding voice.
"It's so easy just to go around me, you do know that?" The wolf tried to sound smart, and the way he said it made Annaria look dim-witted.
"You know, there hasn't been a unicorn stolen since I came here. So I say, off you go and enjoy this morning." Annaria then rolled her eyes upward to stare at the beams on the ceiling, not paying attention to the wolf.
"I was ordered to stay here all day, all night, stated by queen Elisi." He shot her a harsh glance, his golden eyes having a stonier look.
"I'm not in the greatest of moods right now, and shouldn't it be time to eat for you?"Annaria said, lowering her vision to where she looked straight through his eyes.
He growled once more, before walking out of the barn and toward the castle to feed. Annaria sighed, and then continued. The straws of hay crunched under her feet as she past the many unicorns, all baring a different coat color and pattern. She stopped at her unicorns' stall, and looked at him. He was still sleeping, until she knocked on his stall door. Distreigh threw his head upward as an immediate response. He stood up then peered at Annaria inaudibly. She opened his door then walked up to him, placing her hand on his soft black forehead; fingers spread around were his horn starts.
Her hand slid down his forehead and off the tip of his muzzle, repeating this petting motion a couple times. Distreigh snorted, thinking of the praise as an early morning delicacy. Her hand moved down to the side of his neck, brushing off the debris from the ground that wined into his fur. He placed his muzzle into her hand, thinking that there's a treat. She started to hear footsteps grow louder by each second, as the person gained closer to her.
"There you are Annaria. I've been looking for you all over the castle." Valndra said, crossing her arms and watching Annaria still stroke Distreigh.
Annaria turned around to face Valndra, taking a mental note about how the anger grew inside of her, being visible by her posture. "I was only outside for a little bit Valndra." Annaria said, glancing up at her harsh gaze then focused on something else.
"You were outside for the whole night Annaria. Also, there are creatures out there that can easily kill you, and death is something that is painful." Valndra said, her tone growing a bit insensitive toward Annaria.
"Death is painless; it's the events before death that is true pain." Annaria simply stated in a calm, natural voice.
Annaria always said that death was painless, yet nobody believed her words. Everybody else says that her words are false, saying that death has the most unbearable pain ever, yet she says it's the truth. Somehow, she thinks it'll help her survive in this labyrinth world, as she thought of Aldenora. With its twists and turns, dead ends and ongoing paths, the problem is that there are no mazes in Aldenora. Yet everybody acts like their in one, lost, scared, and hungry. Having no escape from their own secret maze that nobody can see, nor can they tell. She sees the maze in front of not just herself, but for the whole world to see with their eyes. A maze filled with wars, death, battles, treachery, abhorrence, love, and unconditional darkness that everybody has to find a way to weave out of it. Everybody's maze has the same qualities, yet it's how they travel out of that maze that will make it different. Some may never come out of it, and end up dying in the end, and the ones who make it out, rejoice their lives from the beginning.
Annaria doesn't just stare at her hands all night while being outside under the light of the moon, she also tries to figure out a riddle. A riddle that she created in her own find, yet can't find the riddle and the answer. She thinks that the riddle is how to get out of the unseen maze. Over the past three years, she's been trying to find that answer, but it's still left blank.
"If that's what you say, I just want you safe." Valndra said, taking two steps closer to Annaria.
"Why do you want to keep me safe? Is there something you wish to do?" Annaria slid her hand off Distreigh, to face Valndra with her whole body.
"We wish to keep you safe from somebody who wants to kill you."
"Who is this man, if you wish to say? I've heard this one name show up, and I wish to know his definition."
"Wolvard is his name, and he is the most treacherous man on Aldenora today. Nobody can harm him, nobody but you."
"Why am I so special? How come I can only harm this Wolvard person?"
"It's in your blood Annaria, and when the time is right you will become much more powerful than him, and destroy him."
"So I will learn some magic while I'm here? I never would have guessed." Annaria planted a small grin on her lips, followed by a chuckle to herself.
"Of course you will. Everybody who steps onto Aldenora's soil is permitted to learn the elements of magic."
"What if I want to learn of my existance, and about what a Half Blood is, since I've been called that lately?"
"Your story is quite interesting, really, it is. It spread around Aldenora well before you were even born. I would go to the library and look at the Myths book."
"The Myth book, are you saying that I will find out about my existence on Aldenora in that book?"
"I told you that your existence is interesting," Valndra thought of something for a second, thinking about what to do with Annaria, "How about I take you to the library."
Valndra grabbed Annaria's arm, then pulled her out of the stable and toward the castle. She still had that spark and anger inside her while she clutched her arm. She pushed her past the two large castle doors, and up flights of stairs before she reached the third floor were the library was located. A large black body walked up toward Valndra and Annaria, it was another wolf. The wolf stopped and glared at Annaria then focused onto Valndra.
"I thought you wouldn't come back until December, Moonshadow." Valndra said, her eyes reflecting an apprehensive look.
"I have important news that I must tell you immediately. It would be best if Annaria wasn't with us."
"Can you tell me after when you are done?" Annaria demanded.
"Only if it's important, then I will." Valndra walked off with Moonshadow to talk about the news that he found.
Annaria always wanted to know what they talked about, instead of leaving it a mystery. She would beg for the answer yet everybody who knows about it refuses to tell. Not even Moonshadow would tell, and he is Annaria's guardian. She didn't feel the need for a guardian, since she can't even enter the forest were people say dark creatures roam. Instead, she lives inside a safe castle. She shrugged it off and headed inside the library. The people glared at her, as if they knew that she was up to no good being in this library.
The castles' library is open to anybody who resides in Allalina Core. It would normally have older people, but seeing a twelve-year-old walk in was a strange site. She didn't find the constant glares, she was just focused on finding the book. She searched until she found it in the very back, and there was only one copy. Her hands wrapped around its soft, leather cover and filliped through the hundreds of pages. She never thought of the myths in Aldenora, and apparently, there's a lot. She cached the glare of somebody studying her, and she started to feel uncomfortable with him looking at her.
She found a table to sit at and find where Valndra said she would come across about her existence. She opened the book, going through a couple myths until she found one title that sounded promising: The one girl. The texture of the paper was different from the others, having a more tan colour and wrinkled paper as well, the type of paper that would be found in a scroll. She started to read, and it felt like discovering a new species of creature to her.
On Earth there will be a girl born in the city of Colorado. This girl will have one eye red, and the other blue. Though it won't be about the eyes that are special, she will be born as a Half Blood, for half of her blood will carry the Dark Nights magic. Only the Blade of Azathoth will be able to draw crimson on her body, and Wolvard. If this girl becomes true, then she will become more powerful than Wolvard, and destroy him from carrying out his goal from ruling over the lands of Aldenora. She would say four years on Aldenora without learning the elements of magic, only until then will she be able to learn magic.
The Soul of Aldenora was something that balanced this world, and it's still missing. This girl will one day retrieve the soul and place it back to where it once stood, and only then shall this world become it's past.

Annaria didn't read no more, even though there were three more pages left. She simply closed the book, speechless as she found about her existence. There was a duty set for her long before she was even born, and she didn't even know if she could complete such task. She turned her head slightly as she heard loud footsteps approached her.
"May I, see that book of yours?" A man said, as he grew very interested in what she was reading.
Annaria turned around to view this man, starring at him as she took in his features. His hair was straight, and long, as his colour matched his robe that he was wearing. His eyes seemed misleading, giving a feature that anybody would fall for. However, what Annaria found strange was a tattoo symbol on his arm. It was a circle with a line going straight through it, and three markings below the circle, around the circle had some writing in a different language that nobody knew. He took notice of her starring at his tattoo, and then quickly covered it with his sleeve.
"Yes you may, only if you tell me what that marking on our arm is." Annaria insisted, still keeping her gaze on his arm even though it was covered.
He started to reach out toward the book, but then Valndra grabbed his arm before he was able to touch it.
"I believe that this is not yours to take," Valndra's tone was much harsher than she wanted it to be, "Come Annaria, I must tell you something, and take that book with you." She placed her hand on Annaria's shoulder. Annaria nodded, and then grasped the book. Taking one more glance at the man who was walking out of the doors, she stood up and followed Valndra.
Valndra took Annaria out into the hallway, shoving her against the wall. "I need you to do something for me, something that will hopefully make you survive."
"Valndra, what is it that you need to tell me? Is it about what you and Moonshadow talked about?"
"Yes, but this news is appalling news," There was a long pause in the conversation. They both starred into each other eyes, both reflecting fears. "Had you read about Wolvard yet?" Valndra asked Annaria, her voice a bit shaky.
"Yes I have, and about my appearance on this world."
"And you do know that he wants to kill you?"
"Yes."
"He's coming to this castle, and he has his army with him."
"So I must hide myself from his view so he can't find me?"
"I'm afraid not, it's impossible to hide from him, especially if he's looking for you."
"I can't stay here in the castle, can't I?"
Valndra nodded briefly before backing up. She looked down at the book and then back to her anxious eyes. Annaria didn't know where to go, now that she knew that he was coming toward the castle. Annaria felt emptiness inside of her, and now felt like she was to blame. After all, she knew that the reason why Wolvard is attacking the castle is for her.
"You're a smart girl, your way smarter than you look. I know you can live through this, and avoid his upcoming army."
A single tear descended from Annaria's eye, slowly going down her cheek. She wanted to embrace Valndra, though her legs wanted to stay put. Instead, Valndra came up to her, wrapping her arms around Annaria tightly. This could possibly be the last time they can see each other, and now strolls of tears ran down both of their faces. Annaria wished, that this would never happen, that she wouldn't be doing this if she wasn't who she is now.
They held each other for a while, and then released their grasp from each other. They both knew the consequences that could possibly emerged from doing this. Valndra backed up, still keeping her gaze on Annaria. Her lips parted but no words slipped out, it was a while until she conjured some words.
"I'll get Distreigh ready, while you fetch the Blade of Azathoth, it'll be another disaster if he holds the blade." Valndra walked off, leaving Annaria were she stood. Annaria felt calmer, before she just wanted to scream and shake Valndra. One last tear fell down from her cheek, and mutely splashed on the hard ground. She wished she would run back to her and hold her once more, have her warm breathe cascade onto her shoulder.
Last edited by Ultimateanon on Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:33 pm, edited 11 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 952
Reviews 15
Hope you liked it! One day, I hope that I will finish this book and publish it. :3
Last edited by Ultimateanon on Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4822
Reviews 220
Hey I have come to review. Don't worry about mistakes, its understandable :). My novels are littered with bad grammar.
Its quite long so my review might tapper off. Just a few points before I start, Put some extra spacing in your works, just to break it up and make it easier to read.

Okay lets start! Paragraph one. The first sentence is nice, i like it, maybe a little cliche but good. I like the beginning, nice foreshadowing, almost monologue like. I can tell this was originally first person. There is a danger of telling to much about the character, leave a little for the reader but so far so good.

You don't have to call her Annaria to much either.
out, rejoice their lives from the beginning.
Annaria created her own riddle that not even she can figure out. Now she waits for the answer to unfold onto her sweating palms, in the future that is. The answer to the riddle that would answer the unanswerable questions that man had made, and open up our eyes to see the world in a completely new way.
I'm not sure about this, it seems like an attempt to sound too deep. The language and is nice tough. Also I would double cheek the grammar and maybe make this into a separate paragraph.

the imagery in your description is quite nice, a little flowery maybe but good. I really do not like how you constantly refer to her by name. Its very obvious now that this was once in first person. I also suggest switching to past tense, the present sounds a little awkward.

The world you have created is quite nice, rather interesting. You really need more spacing, I have problems following it. But apart form that I'm liking what I see.
Good stuff.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5238
Reviews 174
the true pain would be the events that happen before death

I like this line.

Annaria created her own riddle that not even she can figure out

This gives good insight as to the character.

Annaria was asking the god that might not even know what she's saying, or can't even hear her words spill out from her tongue, no matter how loud she'll scream to him. Sometimes she'll wonder if the God that she's questioning actually is the God of Aldenora, or if she's just yelling at air.

Issue regarding consistency. As you capitalized "God" later on it is best to capitalize the word throughout.

The land stays silent, except for the cold breeze that sways the grass that extends for a mile or two, stopping at the mountainside that separates Allalina Core from the surrounding lands.

Good use of detail throughout.

"There is an army coming toward this castle at this moment, and each word that we say they come closer to our boundaries, and Wolvard is leading this said army."

This is a lengthy sentence with two "ands" and I suggest that you either add an exclamation mark at the end to suggest a sense of urgency by the character, or that you break the dialogue into two. Example: "There is an army coming towards this castle at this moment. With each word we say they come closer to our boundaries and Wolvard is leading them." Note my editions. Ultimately the final decision rests with you.

Overall this was very interesting. I can tell it has complexity that will feed later expansions and I look forward to reading those.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1799
Reviews 365
Hi! I'm going to try to review this before I go to church in 20 minutes, so lets see how far we get.
I'm Drama, and thank you for asking me for a review. I really appreciate it!


Annaria starred at her hands while she sat in the field were the grass only comes up to her shoulder. She was alone in the darkness, and she wanted to keep it that way. On the brightest nights, she would come out of castle, sit outside, and stare at the illuminating stars for hours.

I Feel kind of thrown in. Like you just wrote a chapter, and there was stuff before this, but you took it out. This may not be the case, but it's what it felt like to me.

Her mother would gain angrier with her,

one of these words don't fit her. which one is it? there are to ways you could do this.Her mother would get angrier with her, or Her mother would gain anger towards her. it's up to you what you do. depending on what you were going for.

if she could, she would go back into the past and change everything, so this situation wouldn't have happened. The only thing that she felt positive was the diversity of this world, and it's creatures that man would only call a myth

You're telling. really telling. Think about how you convey this without telling. In thoughts maybe? or dialogue?

Even though Distreigh isn't a colt anymore,

You keep changing tenses. Keep to one. :) Even though Distreigh wasn't a colt anymore


he still will act like one in the pasture

when I saw this, it jerked me to a stop. he will still act like a young horse in the pasture.

Okay, this is all I have time for sorry.

But first, let's talk length. Yeah. This is really really long. If their all like this, I don't really have to time to review them all. It would take me at least an hour. Look! It took me 20 minutes just to do this. I like to spend 1/2 an hour tops on a review.
I just don't have time for anything else.
So, length. Your length is going to make a lot of reviewers go 'oh. Yeah, I don't have time for this.'
if it all has to be in one chapter, divide it into parts. Parts are your savior in this kind of a situation, if you can do it properly. Practice it next time you write a chapter. Be like, where would be a good place to divide it? Even if you don't do it, It's good practice. I can't tell you how many times I've seen parts cut up so messily, it's annoying, and parts where their don't need to be parts, cause the chapter is so short already.

Also, remember to show and not tell, and read through it.

I like to read my chapters outloud, to make sure they flow well. You may need to try that. Okay, that's all!

Remember that these are suggestions. What you do as a writer is up to you.

~Drama
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 952
Reviews 15
Yah, this is an actual Novel that I hope of one day publishing, so it is kinda long.. And thanks for reviewing it!..And actuly chapter two is nine pages long on word, and this is seven pages long on word.. So I'll try to see what I can do to 'divide' it up on YWS. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Hi! Sorry its taken me a while to start on these but hopefully I'll get the next one to youu more quickly ^^

Annaria starred at her hands while she sat in the field where the grass only comes came [Careful of those tense changes!] up to her shoulder. She was alone in the darkness, and she wanted to keep it that way. On the brightest nights, she would come out of the castle, sit outside, and stare at the illuminating stars for hours. Her mother would gain angrier [This is aawkwardd phrasing. Perhaps 'become angrier' or 'grow angrier' would make more sense.] with her, as she continued such actions. She could not go outside at night, since it was a rule given to her. [A little rambly. It would be more powerful to leave it as 'She could not go outside at night.' You've already made it clear enough that it's a rule and the shorter sentence would be more dramaticc.] She felt trapped in a cold cage, no were nowhere to go, nowhere to flee and breathe fresh air. Just being able to view the area/ land/ whatever around herself, than then explore it. She wanted to break out of this cage, and be free and pass the boundaries of where she was restricted to go. She was just content [Not a good choice of word as this suggests she's happy with the situation. Maybe relieved would fit better?] that she isn't wasn't being killed for doing this.


There's A lot of mistakes going on! I'll not point them all out after this, I'm just using the first paragraph as an example of how much you need to proof read. Also, it's very repetetive, the only thing you tell us here is that she likes to go outside but isn't allowed. And then you repeat that. And then you really insist that she wants out of her cage. Try to avoid boring explanations/ additional ones. Make your point and then move on to the entertainment. And remember to stay in past tense. You lapse into present throughout this entire piece. If you're not sure on the rules of each, look them up or ask someone to explain them to you.

Telling vs Showing

This is a bad habit to get into so I'll warn you about it now. When you tell, you have blocks of writing that are filled with information given to us directly. Showing is where you give the same pieces of innformation but in a more subtle, more interesting way. Showing is when you describe what's happening and give your reader a picture to build in their head.

Telling: 'She had a pet unicorn and had decided it was going to be called Bilbo but the unicorn didn't really like this name. And the unicorrn always came to greet her on the steps where she liked to sit when it was sunny.'

Showing: 'She sat on the steps, one bronzed leg outstretched and gleaming in the sun, while the other was curled underneath her. "Bilbo, Bilbo come hither," she called in her sing-song way. And out of the forest came a unicorn, black and sleek like a silhouette. The unicorn slowed as it reached her and nuzzled against her hand. "Bilbo," she said again with a smile. The unicorn snorted in derision and pulled away.

I think we can both agree that the second way is better!

Plot

Okay so this I like! You have a lot going on here, lots of nice imagination. I lik the talking wolf, though I'm confused about why she sends him off when he's meant to be guarding. Give us more of her view point there, what is she thinking? Does she secretly want to steal the unicorn or does she have something private to say to it? Or does she just not like/ trust the wolf? If it really is time for the wolf to go eat, where's the new guard to let him off duty?

"Death is painless; it's the events before death that is true pain." Annaria simply stated in a calm, natural voice.
I just wanted to point out that this is a lovely line.

The Prophecy Thing

As far as prophecies go it's very exact! Normally they're vague and leave room for twists/ misunderstanding which is always exciting. Yours though is a bit too straight forward annd you tell us it a little too son. Think about Harry Potter and how many hints there are in the series before we finally hear what the prophecy was! It builds the atmosphere and curiosity much more if you reveal such important details later in the novel.

Well I think that's enough advice for now and will take a look at chapter two soon! But in the meantime, feel free to pm me with anny questions,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



cron
Never forget how special this site is: the older I get, the more I realize how many lonely writers there are who have only family and maybe some friends to read their works. The fact we get free critique, nightly writing pads, free contests and unlimited interaction at *no cost* with people genuinely wanting to help, can not be overstated or overrated
— Messenger