Young Writers Society

A/N: I'm considering entering this into a competition. The word limit is 250 words. Let me know what you think...

Lights and Colors
Neon lights told the story of our success. They stretched out into dark corners, scattering colorful glows to the furthest corners of the black nooks where spiderwebs grew; where the homeless slept. Nobody of consequence ever visited here.

I used to walk as dusk settled and the neon glow rose between musty bricks. The shopping district was gloomy and only its lights made its sufferable.

He was always there, hanging the silk scarfs on the stone wall at the edge of the marketplace. I walked and he watched me curiously. I bought bread from the baker and his eyes drilled into my back. I turned around and he was still staring. Always. Bastard's mother never taught him to mind his own, I said to myself.

He stopped me once.
“Take a scarf,” he said, shoving a bright yellow scarf into my hands.
“I'm not interested.” It wasn't in fashion for men to wear scarfs.
“You like the colors.”
“I beg your pardon,” I said.
“I see you like the colors. You need it more than me. There's no charge.”
He smiled. I don't know how he knew about the colors. I took it and gripped it tightly.
“Thank you,” I said. I would never wear the yellow scarf.
“It's not for you,” he whispered to himself, a twinkle in his eye.

I reached the corner where she lay in the dust. She was cold, she said.

I handed her the scarf.

Hey Yoda!

I think this was pretty developed for a story of only 250 words or less. You had dialogue, and a setting, and some characters (duh), but I felt kind of lost. Now, I don't know if this is me just not getting the meaning behind the piece, but I don't know whether I fully understood what the story was about.

I'm taking a guess that the guy narrating this is homeless, because he talks about the neon lights and that made me think of shop fronts all lit up at night with him sleeping under them. Then, the woman at the end was homeless too, right? That could be completely wrong though. I need you to tell me and put me out of my misery. Oh, I hate not knowing whether I'm just really dumb, or if this is supposed to be quite abstract and vague. I did like the opening line though

Nobody of consequence ever visited here.

I can't decide whether 'here' should be 'there' or not. The piece is in past tense, so everything's telling me it should be 'there'

The shopping district was gloomy and only its lights made its sufferable.

The second 'its' should be 'it'

I'm really sorry for the rubbish review, but I couldn't resist reading and reviewing a piece of your work. It feels like old times

Anna

If you don't mind me asking, what competition would this be for? I want to give you feed back regarding the theme and comparing it to what you actually need to write. But until then, here's some general feed back.

As always, the good. With only two-hundred and fifty words, I know you had a contraint. I would have liked more description, but you managed to work with what you had and still provide an environment/scenario for us. That itself it great. Your MC is an anti-hero (or at least that's how I saw it) and his dialouge suits him well. And of course, the ending was cute. I'm a sucker for happy endings. Feel free to disregard anything I say that you don't agree with.

This story is very descriptive, like how you describe the lights and marketplace thing. Although that made it very interesting, I think the main character should be described a little bit more. I was a little bit confused.
The neon lights were a sign of the success? Who's success, and what was their success.
Maybe I just am not understanding the main idea of this story, but maybe you should explain a little more.
Overall, thought, I think you're a great writer!
=)

Flash fiction is deceiving. 250 words become thousands as you read them over and over again trying to figure out what they mean. My interpretation of this piece:

Colors I took to mean value. Meaning that the speaker treasures the "neon lights" of what I took to be the city. He admires the color, but does not need the scarf which is material necessity and prefers light which I take to mean wealth and commercial things. The scarf represents a necessity: clothing, which the homeless woman in the corner "needs."

Cities shovel the dregs of society and the problems it brings to "black corners" where its inhabitants do not have to interact with them. Thus, they are annoyed and suspicious when they are reminded. I took the man selling scarves as representing the factors that remind the city's beneficiaries of the troubles of its victims. So when the vendor says "you need it more than me" he means that the speaker has a moral obligation to help those like the homeless.

Or, I'm just being cynical and reading too far into a sweet story of boy meets girl. Don't mind me

One thing that I didn't like was this line:

Bastard's mother never taught him to mind his own, I said to myself.

It's very jarring and it doesn't seem to fit into the paragraph its in. It's already clear that the speaker is feeling uncomfortable so I don't think this sentence is necessary, and the words could be used to some other extent.

I really respect that you managed to include dialogue along with followable plot. Given a 250 word limit, it works very well. It's necessary in flash-fiction to leave certain details and elements for the reader to fill in, and I think you pulled it off well without confusing the message. Good job

Thanks a million for the reviews!

I'm very happy you understood it almost exactly as I intended it to be portrayed, mparq! If you read it a couple more times you might even find a little more there.

Reading this piece again, I can't help but think that I did interpret this story very cynically at first.
I imagined the speaker as a wealthy representation of bureaucracy who had taken from the poor to create "success."

But, some things don't seem to fit. Rather than glaze over them them, I started paying double attention to them:

1. The bread. At first, I completely skipped over the fact that the speaker buys bread from the baker. In a normal story this would be a detail I would never pay attention to, but... I can't help thinking now of bread as representing a necessity: food; just as I thought before that the scarf represented clothing. This doesn't fit with my first analysis, because the speaker does in fact value things other than commercial things and wealth. If this is true, then "our success" is not the success of the "city" but the success of some other group that the speaker belongs to. Something I didn't catch or pay attention to on earlier readings is that the shopping district is "gloomy," so it doesn't seem as if the speaker only values commercial things.

2.

Nobody of consequence ever visited here.

This was strange for me. Normally, I would think that "there" would be used here, as somebody before me said. But I'm hesitant to think that you just made a mistake and never fixed it, given there are only 250 words. At first, I figured "here" referred to the city, but that didn't really fit perfectly. Now, given what I realized with the bread, I think "here" does refer to the "black corners" where the homeless are. "Here" also implies that the speaker himself is there, if that makes sense. Yet, nothing suggests that the speaker is homeless. So, I assume that he and a group is also "there" in the black corners, doing something to denote "success." I now believe that the "neon lights" are more uplifting. Also, the neon lights scatter "glows," which imply warmth and softness.

3. The vendor. If he doesn't represent some reminder to the wealthy to help the homeless, then what does he represent? He hangs silk scarves on a stone wall. These scarves are attached to color, which I still believe to be value, even happiness. The fact that he hangs them on a stone wall, tells me that he brings happiness to places barren of color. Taking the conversation in this light (that color means happiness) it tells me that the speaker is who likes "happiness," though outwardly he seems ornerly.

Bastard's mother never taught him to mind his own, I said to myself.

In this way, this line makes sense now in characterizing the speaker as outwardly cold, with a kind heart.

There's something more here, but my brain has met its capacity. This is what I came up with under the assumption that every one of your words hold meaning and purpose, which I believe even more now to be the case. Still, I can't quite come up with a clear message, though I think I'm getting the feeling of it. Now, I've expended all I can and raise the white flag. Do tell me what I'm getting and what I'm missing, because I am about to die from curiousity.

Doubly appreciating this work.

What do you get when you get a review from me? A massive text well, usually. Prepare yourself for the most disorganized spew you've ever seen. Well, read.

Unfortunately, I can't say that I liked this. I've read it more than five times, and I've read mparq's responses. I understand what you were going for as a result, understand at least well enough that, if this were an essay prompt, I could successfully BS my way to a decent grade.

There's lots of symbolism here. Can't miss it. The contrasting imagery is marvelous, the sharp and obnoxiously bright neon and scarf against the murky grayscale. There are touches on materialism, consumerism, wealth, the mainstream, perhaps even morality. But my brain is currently going through strenuous exercise trying to make what I do understand mean something. I have the pieces of the puzzle, but try as I might, I can't make them come together. Thus I grow wary of it.

Which is not to imply that I want the theme and meaning to be all nice and spelled out, tied off with a bow and name tag. On the contrary, I have a great appreciation for pieces where I get something new out of it every time I read, where I have to use my noggin. I tend to dislike the overt and oppressively straightforward. But, I don't know. I struggle to come to my own interpretation, let alone your intention as the writer.

I am, of course, perhaps just dense. It's summer vacation here and I haven't had to think hard in months. But, from the other reviews, I'm at least not alone.

There are two main things I can't seem to reconcile with the rest of the story. One:

Neon lights told the story of our success. They stretched out into dark corners, scattering colorful glows to the furthest corners of the black nooks where spiderwebs grew; where the homeless slept. Nobody of consequence ever visited here.

This is the main spot where things begin to feel like math, and I have to think, "Well, if the neon light symbolizes X, and the color symbolizes Y, and is light is reaching dark corners and color reaching black corners, and these corners are where the homeless sleep, then that must mean Z." But I can't seem to solve it.

Two:

“It's not for you,” he whispered to himself, a twinkle in his eye.

On my tenth or so read-through, this begins to make more and more sense. Especially when I consider that yellow is usually associated with cowardice. Also with the sun, smiley faces, taxi cabs.

So, perhaps this man is one of those who own these neon-signed stores in a big city, the neon that's obnoxiously bright and glaring in on those without. Or part of the class, at least. He's down here buying his bread, which is a basic human necessity, and the man staring and selling scarves hand him a yellow one, and a bright one at that. About the most obnoxious color you can find, and perhaps that's the reason it's bright yellow. Or because it is associated with sunshine and happiness. Or because it is associated with cowardice.

The scarf-seller's mainly giving it to him because it's yellow, not because it's a scarf or because he needs one. But it's not for the narrator, even though the narrator needs it more than he does. The narrator's objection to the scarf is that it's not in style, so he wouldn't fit in with it. And... sigh.

The reason I pulled this second quote about it not being for him... I understand the line more now, in a sort of vague way, but up to read five or six it was sticking out and I didn't get it. I knew there was something to get, but it wasn't clicking.

I'm starting to get frustrated with this, so I think I'm going to bring the review to a close. My overall conclusion, I think, is that there's just too much going on here, and not in a layered or necessarily complimentary way, despite my knowing that every word is in here for a purpose. My main suggestion, I guess, would be for you to make sure that your intention and purpose in writing it is clear to you, and make sure everything corresponds.

Again, there's a high possibility that I'm just missing something here. If I am, just ignore me. In the end, I apologize for a rather unhelpful review on my part. I hope it doesn't dissuade you from requesting reviews from me in the future, because you're talented. Just because this piece didn't work for me hardly means others won't.

Let me know if you have any questions, comments, thoughts, etc. My Wall's always open for conversation.

Rach

The shopping district was gloomy and only its lights made its sufferable.

Typo. You added an extra "s" in "its".

Now that I've actually comprehended what the story means, I shall give you a review. I like how this is very thought provoking, like a riddle. The colors and lights confused me for a few minutes. I wasn't really sure if they were the same thing, but then I saw your title which answered my question. So then it was narrowed down to what I told you on chat. Anyways, I think that if one just skims your short story they won't understand it at all. They'll be confused until they really seek for the meaning. Even then, they might have to discuss it with other people to fully grasp what the meaning. For example, I had to read RachaelElg's post to know what the yellow meant, that it could be like a ray of sunshine. As for the contest entry, I think it really depends on who the judge is. How critical of an analyzer they are, how long they're willing to spend on a piece. But this is flash fiction, and flash fiction is meant to be thought provoking, right? If it doesn't cost anything to enter your contest, hey, why not? You have a great knack for symbolism and you'll leave the reader thinking. Good luck and happy writing!

-Crescent