Young Writers Society

It was the day every couple dreamt excessively over. The day a product of their love would come to see the light. The day something especially precious would make its way into the world.

All had been well until this night, when Eden, expectant mother and girlfriend of John Mason, began experiencing harsh symptoms of early labor.

She awoke John gently from his deep sleep in the late hours of the night with her slender touch.

"John. . ." Her voice was meek, and somber. "John, I need your help."

Slowly he arose to the sound of her words. Not yet had he taken in the worry in her voice.

"What's wrong?" he said through a weak stretch.

"It's the baby," she began quietly. "I can feel it. Something's wrong." The worry became more apparent in the pitch of her voice.

More seriously, John fully woke himself to reach for the light on the nightstand beside him. He leaned over to meet the tired eyes of his pregnant girlfriend.

"What do you mean? How're you feeling?" Lightly he placed his hand on her forehead, only to notice how warm she was. "Eden, you're hot. ."

"My stomach's cramping," she breathed.

He helped her into an upright position. "Do you think it could be time? Should I call Dr. Avery?"

She gave no answer, just blank looks as if too shaken to know just what to say.

Being quick to react, John phoned Eden's OB/GYN. It was roughly 2:00 in the morning, and there was all the chance in the world that her doctor might not pick up. But luckily luck was on his side.

"Is she in any kind of discomfort? Nausea?"

"She says she feels cramping. She's really warm too, doctor. Should we be worried?"

"I would head on in, to be on the safe side. We really want to make sure the baby isn't showing any signs of distress. But Eden could just be having early contractions. Which, to be going into labor this soon, might not be a good sign either."

As soon as John had received the O.K. to head with Eden to the hospital, he quickly got a bag together with all the things he would expect for them to need, should they happen to bring home their baby boy.

On the car ride to the hospital, Eden began feeling much sharper pains. She gripped John's shoulder in agony.

"AH-AHHHH," she cried roughly.

John turned to his girlfriend in worry. They were a young couple. Independent and not yet married. Though it was in their plans to marry once finished with schooling, a baby had been a pleasant surprise. And he writhed in sheer agony at the thought of possibly losing such a precious gift now.

Eden was only in the late days of her seventh month. With so many weeks left to go, he hoped that if a premature birth was in store for them, it'd at least go by smoothly, and with few complications. But there was always that alternate fate that held a much darker possibility. He couldn't lose his son. This much he knew.

                       ***

Anxiety reeled in John's head with epic proportion. He paced back and forth outside the delivery room, hoping soon someone would come out to bid him good news.

They had arrived together, expecting to face whatever was coming at them as one. When he had been asked to step outside the delivery room, he wasn't entirely sure what could be wrong. All he could see was his pregnant girlfriend, struggling to give birth.

Eden was thrown into early labor. He was supposed to be by her side -to witness the birth of his son, their child. No matter how intense the circumstances got, he would be there.

He stepped out, but only with great reluctance and the sour feel of regret settling into the pit of his stomach.

"God, let her be okay. Oh God, hurry up with this!" he groaned with impatience.

Soon, but surely not soon enough, a nurse stepped outside the, what now seemed like, settled delivery room. No longer were there intense screams and the sounds of beeping monitors or frantic nurses, but an eerie silence.

Oddly, this seemed to unnerve John. Though he always happened to hold the proper reactions to most situations, he hoped he was just seeming paranoid.

Immediately he went to the nurse's side. Her face unfortunately enough, didn't seem to hold the pride or happiness that usually came with good news.

"What's happened? Is the baby alright?" he asked almost frantically. "He's gotta be, we came here as soon as-"

"-Of course, no, your baby is quite alright, Mr. Mason. You have a. . . -a beautiful baby boy."

Abruptly his mood soon switched to a relieving sort of happiness. But once he noticed the nurses expression had not necessarily matched up to his own, the worry began flooding back in dramatic spurts.

"Eden. . -Eden, is she oka- is she fine?"

The nurse looked sorrowfully into John's eyes a brief moment before speaking the bad news she had been reluctant to give since the moment she'd stepped out of the delivery room.

"John," she attempted to begin.

"No, you tell me. Now." His voice, forceful at first. And then, more helplessly, "She's alright isn't she? She's fine?"

The nurse swallowed in preparation for the words she felt so sorry to speak. "I'm afraid Eden succumbed to the stress of her labor. . ."

He looked at the nurse as if hoping he hadn't actually understood what she was telling him now. Hot tears quickly begun flooding his vision in a wet blur.

"John, I'm afraid. . Eden didn't make it through the labor of having your son."

He was oddly still through hearing the message so plainly. He didn't break down, nor did he give in to the emotion that was pooling inside him. He was trying difficultly to grasp onto the idea that what she had just said could actually be true.

"We think, Eden may have had an aneurism," the nurse continued. Then, as she patted John gently on the shoulder, "I understand if the news is too much for you to take in right now. I couldn't imagine the impact this must have on a person."

He ignored her flat sympathy, attempting to be strong enough to bury the facts just deep enough to forget them for the moment being.

There was only one thing he could want more than to see his beautiful girlfriend alive and in his arms once more. . . That was his son.

...um...I don't know if you generally read thrillers, but there's not really anything here that's thriller. And uh, you said she was his wife, but than it's consistently girlfriend throughout the rest of the piece.
Sorry, I probably shouldn't be polluting the review que like that....
Anyway, this is a terrible start, to any story. Sure, the kid may turn out to be some dysfunctional, supernatural freak, but that does not warrant the beggining to start at birth. It may be "unique" or "original," but it is in want of a hook. I'm sure you've heard all this before, yada yadah yadah.
So, how about starting it at the TRUE beginning, maybe when the concerned, new parents first start noticing their son's strange habits? Hmm? Or maybe when a stranger gives the pregnant lady a weird, foreboding message?
The point is, a thriller should say from the very start that it's a thriller. And not be misleading.
Perhaps this isn't a thriller? Or maybe more of a paranormal/romantic/something else thriller? Because this is, as is, not suspense.

Well, at any rate, disregard all my sensitive ratings. (The thriller genre holds a dear place in my heart...yeah...) Nice prose flowed nicely, wrong genre. I would call it a paranormal/psychological thriller, not a suspense thriller. I'm pretty sure you'll get lots of likes for it.

My biggest appologies x) The genre has been tweaked now that I've settled on where I'm going with this and where I'd like readers to see where I'm headed with this. A few notes to future readers, the story will pick up in suspence and the mystery will become a bit more apparant, but for now it'll seem relatively chill as the story builds itself up. Patience is key I s'pose. My goal is not to rush the story too much. Hope you all still enjoy.

-Smylin'

Hey there, Smylin! Walker here with a review as requested!

Now first off, I'd like to point out that I really did enjoy this first chapter. It was emotional, heartfelt, and above all else, realistic. The characters weren't overly dramatized. The idea was not spat out or blurted in a way so as you could just get on with the plot-line. You took your time and thats a big thumbs up in my book.

Now, there are a few things I would like to note upon about this piece, though, that could be fixed up. Just certain things you might want to consider throwing in at a later time, or keeping in mind when future chapters come out. This would be it;

1. Setting and Description?

Now, I know that people don't like to bore the reader in the beginning of a novel with thick pieces of description. It tends to sink the book before it even has a chance to float. But, and this is a big but, many writers, in their act of dodging this said sinking, make the entrance too light by adding no real substance whatsoever. In that sense, if you should add heavier description later on, we would see a counterbalance, or in other words, the difference between the first and second chapter will be noticeable to some degree.

So, what I want to point out is that this lacked in description. I didn't know much about Eden other than the fact that she was in pain. I didn't know much about the hospital room or the car-ride there. These are all opportunities to not only further the idea and plotline of the novel, but also create some character developement that may not have been visible before. We get a more apt idea of how you character feels or thinks by the things in which he sees or does. That being said, maybe talk about how the bedroom is meticulously clean, or gawdy if you so choose. Maybe say the car is a piece of junk so that we know they are young and aspiring but not quite there yet. All these factors will help shape what the reader thinks or feels about your said characters.

2. Little Errors

One thing that definitely seemed off to me in this chapter was the amount of little errors that occured throughout. Just small grammar mistakes or comma misplacements. The whole idea that one hasn't been too meticulous with their proof-reading, whether or not you did proof-read. Its these mistakes that generally make someone turn away from a short-story only because it takes away from what we may think of the author.

So what I want you to do is go back and really fine-comb this piece for small errors. If you should need me to, I could also fine-comb it so that its all straightened out. I know you are excited about this piece as am I to read it, but we must be patient and make sure all the steps are covered!

Overall

You give an interesting piece here. The idea catches the reader and the quick-paced, almost 'lets not beat around the bush' mentality also makes it for a more interesting read. There are times when I would say for the writer to go back and add more for character developement's sake, but in this case, what you have is a pretty good start.

So, keep writing and I'll keep reading! I definitely enjoyed this piece!

~Walker

Hey Smylin!
Well, this has certainly sparked my interest. I'm intrigued to find out what exactly is this boys story. What's special about him? Why write a story about him? So, I'll subscribe for you. I enjoyed this first chapter- and it's a good catch, so congrats.

It was the day every couple dreamt excessively over.

This line feels a bit awkward- which is never a good thing with an opening sentence to a novel. Try switching the spots of over and excessively. Or, change 'over' to 'of'. Either way, take a look at it.

Lightly he placed his hand on her forehead Typo.

The worry became more apparent Typo. in the pitch of her voice. What pitch? Give me a description, don't expect me to know what her voice sounds like, describe the agony in her voice.

They were a young couple, independent and not yet married.

Anxiety reeled in John's head Typo. with epic porportion. Switch this around to "Anxiety of epic proportion reeled in John's head."

a nurse stepped outside the- what now seemed like-

The nurse looked sorrowfully into John's eyes a brief moment before speaking the bad news she had been reluctant to give since the moment she'd stepped out of the delivery room.

"John," she attempted to begin. It feels a bit odd to me that the nurse would call him by his first name. He only refers to her as "the nurse", so it makes more sense that she calls him something like, "Mr. Mason".

There you go!

Like I said before, I'm intrigued. I'll be waiting for the next chapter

-A

Hi S. Mylin! heheh

I'm Tabby, and... yeah, I'm here to review.

I'll start with nitpicks and the like:

All had been well until this night, when Eden, expectant mother and girlfriend of John Mason, began experiencing harsh symptoms of early labor.

She awoke John gently from his deep sleep in the late hours of the night with her slender touch.

Okay, this is a really little, stupid thing for me to point out, but that green part, it's like... John Mason, the way you put his first and last name, but you only put Eden's first name... it read awkwardly for me. Like, John Mason, of course, everyone knows who John Mason is... but we don't. Uh... I'm sorry, do you have any idea what I mean ? It's just, what I would do (I hate to tell you what I would do, because it's your piece and all) is change it to: "when expectant mother Eden" and leave out the girlfriend of John Mason part. THEN, in the next paragraph, you could put "She awoke John, her boyfriend."

Whoo, that was a long opinion I just gave (emphases on opinion)

But luckily luck was on his side.

Luckily luck? I understand that you probably worded it that way on purpose, but, it just sounds kind of... silly I mean, this is a story about a man who's girlfriend dies in child birth and all, so, I don't think silly is what you were going for.

Anxiety reeled in John's had with epic porportion.

"Head" not "had", and "proportion," not "porportion." Also, I think "with" should be "in" instead. Maybe not... read it both ways. You decide.

"-Of course, no, your baby is quite alright, Mr. Mason. You have a. . . -a beautiful baby boy."

Just something I thought was odd about this: The nurse says "of course"... Why should it have been so obvious that the baby wasn't in trouble? Now, after thinking about it I realize, perhaps, you were just trying to convey that the nurse was a dispassionate person. In which case * light-bulb* I get it!


Okay, those are out of the way, now for my impressions and such:

See, this leaves me curious because, I wonder, is this story going to focus on the son, or the father? I don't think it was necessarily a bad place to start in either case, but if this is going to be a story focusing on the son, maybe his birth wasn't the best place either... It's just, not a lot happened that couldn't be explained later...

But yeah, interesting XD

--
Tabby