Young Writers Society

Hello to all writers and readers!
I haven't been at YWS for a while, but now I am back with loads of fresh ideas and boiling imagination. I decided to compete in the BIG Random Story contest, so all your comments, honest feedback and remarks are very welcome here! I called my short story "Forgetting Names".

The theme from the generator is



Enjoy!

***

As the door opened, a strike of chilly April air filled my lungs. I breathed in slowly. Held my breath. My whole body was shaking as I approached the edge of this 54-story building which has almost become a home to me in the last few years. It was painfully amusing to see how London has changed. I no longer knew this city. Vibrant suffocating jolt… these have been the first words that came to mind when I first stood at the top of this skyscraper back in 2003. Overwhelming excitement from watching people and cars running back and forth like tiny ants in a house they obviously grew out of. Nothing was left of that feeling now. The city was dead: no cars, no people, Big Ben was gone, Piccadilly – gone, boulevards – empty, churches – destroyed. And there I was… looking at all this with a daft inkling that I must have had something to do with altering the history of one of the most captivating capitals in the world.

***
I’m 29. I’m a writer. I have no idea what my name is. I forgot it long time ago, as I don’t see the point in names. One thing you should know about me is that I can forget whatever I want. All people have gifts and talents. This one’s mine.
Few months before I decided to move to London from this godforsaken hell of a place, I had discovered that I’m capable of changing things just by writing them down. At first I just played around with silly selfish wishes like most people would have done: getting myself free stuff from shops, having sex with all pretty girls I craved since high school, showing magic tricks to impress people. Well, you get the idea. Then I got bored. I needed another game to play. So I chose the most manipulative game of all – playing with people’s lives. My home town was too small for the god I imagined myself to be. I moved to London and became a writer. At first my stories were quite harmless: wives cheating on husbands, mothers beating up their children, guys raping girls. This kind of light stuff, you know. Oh, did I forget to mention that before I wrote those stories I actually had to meet the people I planned to write about? I knew them all. It was essential for my job. I needed to find out as many details about the characters as possible to make them believable. To make the books sell. Of course my gift would help me sell the books anyway, but it wouldn’t be as exciting, would it? So I honestly tried to do it properly.
When all my books had become bestsellers, I felt this still wasn’t enough. I needed something heavy, strong, shocking… mind-blowing. I triggered violent riots in the city, turned citizens against each other, created massive orgies. The 54-story building where my publishers resided was the safe house. I made it so. Once you got inside, you could not be harmed by my writing.
In December I decided there has to be a war in London. It seemed to be the most logical and reasonable event. But I had to call Jenny and warn her.
‘Jen, it’s me. You need to come over and stay with me at Brano’s skyscraper next month. ’
‘Are you out of your mind?! ’ She yelled back at me.
‘I’m trying to save your ass, silly… ’ I mumbled.
‘If I remember correctly, last time when you tried saving my ass, you made me kill my parents with your goddamn creative abilities. So what else will I have to do now? ’ She continued yelling at me.
She was right. I did make her murder her parents. But that was the only way to save her. In my latest book.
‘It’s not going to be like that this time. ’ I promised her.
‘Since when did you become such a fool to think that I’ll believe you after everything you’ve done to me? I don’t even know whether the words I’m saying now are mine or are they another act of your sick imagination?’
‘Jen, you have to come. That’s the only thing you have to do. ’ I was almost pleading her.
‘Make me then! ’ And she hung up before I managed to tell her that I could no longer make her do anything with my writing… because I loved her.

***
And here I am. Standing at the edge of the roof at Barno’s. Alone. War has destroyed London. My war. It wiped London off the face of the Earth. Only Barno’s survived the bombing.
Jenny didn’t come. Jenny’s dead. I’m trying to forget all the names I know. I forget them one by one. But I can’t forget Jenny’s name. I can’t forget her face, her sarcastic smile. I know that the memory of the fear in her big and innocent dark blue eyes will haunt me till I die. And so I jump.

This is okay, but the story is a little implausible. If people actually knew this guy was doing this (like Jenny did), wouldn't he be arrested? No one, especially the police, would want someone to have the power to kill off people like that. And wouldn't there be police all over the city of London, trying to figure out what happened? There would most likely be news vans and tourists all over the place. No offense, but London isn't the only place in the universe.
Other than that, this was good. I liked the main character, and the emptiness emanating from him.

Wow. I don't think I found any grammatical errors except for

‘It’s not going to me like that this time. ’ I promised her.

I couldn't find any faults in wording. I loved the idea and somehow, I found it kinda believable. I was even slightly moved by the end. I love it.

Nats

Nats, thank you! Edited accordingly now. Glad you liked it! I haven't been writing for ages...

mistielovesyou, I get your point. Jenny was indeed the only person that knew about his abilities. And she just couldn't tell anyone. As to someone else getting suspicious, there actually is nothing to get suspicious about. Wars, riots, etc. happen all the time throughout history of mankind, so it's nothing outrageous. But there is of course truth and logic in your comments. I guess if there was no word limit for the contest, the idea could be explained in more details and could have become more believable. I'll work on that in the future. Thanks for your honest opinion!

Your story was very well-written, flowing very smoothly and was easy to get into. I like the power of writing theme you used in your story, but I'm a little confused. Can the narrator control minds through his writing like some sort of superpower, or is his writing so influential that he changes people's minds on their own? I like how the narrator can't control the minds of the people he loves (presumably because he doesn't want to hurt them?). It would have been interesting if you had explained why he was destroying all of London. Is he sick of the phony world? Is he crazy? If you could make that clear, the story would have much more meaning!
All in all a very thought-provoking work, though a bit grey in places. Keep up the good writing!

Hi, I like the ending a lot. I wasn't expecting it and I thought it clever. And I think the idea could be pretty good. My only problem is that the story reads like the summary of something much longer. As if you've edited out everything except the barest plot outline. So I see and understand the sequence of events, but it strikes me as empty. I also had a hard time believing any of it, just because it seems so hastily put together. I know it has to be under a thousand words, but I think this could be a really good as a longer story. Actually (and this is just me) I think the only way this could work is as a longer story. <3!

CassandraMazza and okkervilpuddle, totally agree with you that the story lacks details. I think that no matter how the contest goes, I will work further on this idea, as my friends told me the same thing: the idea is awesome, but it's just too much for such a short story. Hopefully, this will turn out into something longer and worthy!

CassandraMazza, changing things with writing was his superpower. Thank you for all the comments and questions - it'll definitely help me work further on the story!

Hey! Sorry for taking so long to get to your review, but, this weekend was insane! XD
Anyway, in general, your story has extremely good ideas. However, I do believe that you can put them across in a better fashion.
For instance, if we look at the flow of the story in general, there's a lot of small, but, important changes we could make to make it sound better.
That is, your second paragraph starts off as "I'm 29". In general, that's not exactly something that grabs your attention. The first paragraph, on the other hand, did an excellent job of hooking you on and making you want to read the story. So, you want to keep up the diction you use to captivate the leader. Also, by putting his age first, you make it seem like it's something important and we later learn that it doesn't really have any significance in teh story. Maybe put the fact that he's a writer first and about his "talent" and even skip the part about his age since it really doesn't matter.
I do like your writing style, however I agree with the other reviewers that more description, in general, would be useful.
For instance, one area that I would really appreciate if you elaborated on was the safe house. It's an extremely interesting concept and crucial to the development of the story, however, barely a paragraph is spent talking about it.
Why did he come up with this idea?
Why 54 stories? (Maybe that's just me, but it drove me insane that 54 was such a random number XD)
Does he have anyone else he cares about who reside there?
What's the safe house like?
What's life in there like?
Can they ever leave?
And, so on. XD
Also, just another quick titbit on character development, in general.Your MC seems to be a well-developed character and he has an extremely interesting (and remarkably twisted) voice throughout the story. However, Jen tends to be a rather flat character with a tendency towards being melodramatic. Now, that might be because we only really meet her for a few lines in which she has a huge fight with the narrator. So, I'd appreciate learning a little more of her story and background, like how the narrator knew her and how they got to know each other better to the point where he falls in love with her.
Finally, overall, I simply adore the last paragraph. Whatever you do, don't change it.
As someone who can never write a good ending, I absolutely adore it and it's perfect. It left me with chills(:
I hope I wasn't too harsh, and I will like this since it was a great read.
Good luck on the contest!
Flute Loops<3

You have a lot of good reviews on this piece already, I think.

I feel like, however, you can give us this story in a shorter space if you structured it differently. Right now you're trying to encompass everything, going from beginning to end. If you pulled the focus in, for example to the feeling of having control over everything but a person you love or to the feeling of looking down at destruction and knowing you did it, you might be able to get the exposition of the story (how his powers work or how they developed, which you currently spend about half of the piece doing) in through the cracks, not put it up on its own pedestal.

Here's what I mean:
Pretend we already know his power. Just for a little bit, pretend you don't have to explain it to us. What WOULD you tell us if we already knew how his power worked? I think the concept of being able to control everything is interesting, but you're right that it can't fit in this small space. A moment of this character, however, can. So write about the character as if we already know his power, and then when you go back to edit one more time, you pick (very carefully) the bare information we need to get a GENERAL idea of what he can do, without going in to too many specifics.

That's my advice to you.

Hannah

You have a lot of good reviews on this piece already, I think.

I feel like, however, you can give us this story in a shorter space if you structured it differently. Right now you're trying to encompass everything, going from beginning to end. If you pulled the focus in, for example to the feeling of having control over everything but a person you love or to the feeling of looking down at destruction and knowing you did it, you might be able to get the exposition of the story (how his powers work or how they developed, which you currently spend about half of the piece doing) in through the cracks, not put it up on its own pedestal.

Here's what I mean:
Pretend we already know his power. Just for a little bit, pretend you don't have to explain it to us. What WOULD you tell us if we already knew how his power worked? I think the concept of being able to control everything is interesting, but you're right that it can't fit in this small space. A moment of this character, however, can. So write about the character as if we already know his power, and then when you go back to edit one more time, you pick (very carefully) the bare information we need to get a GENERAL idea of what he can do, without going in to too many specifics.

That's my advice to you.

Hannah

Hi Hannah and Flute Loops,
Thanks a lot for your comments! Now I just have to think of a better way to edit it. The worst thing about editing is that you get used to your story so much that you can't imagine it to miss bits and pieces... although you know it'd be for the best. Oh well, we'll see what I can do Thank you!!