This was good, I really liked your revised version. However, the line, "for the fire burns when the tide turns." Didn't fit quite right. It just didn't match the rhythm. But, it was a good poem. Keep writing.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka
"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence! — soundofmind
Keep writing.
