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Young Writers Society


What's wrong with this as a Beginning?



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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3950
Reviews: 15
Thu Jun 02, 2011 10:08 pm
Valteria says...



A twenty landed on the pile of bills before me. At my right, Daniel Aulone pushed his palms against the rim of the table and leaned back in his chair.
“Your call, Miles,” he said.
His words were the first spoken in over an hour. A lot of heat had come off the last hand. Between Daniel and I, it had been close. Only a difference of four points. We had played the kind of spades where it didn’t matter if you were in 3rd or 4th place, as long as you could spectate.
I reached over to shake his hand.
“Good game, buddy,” he said, without looking up from the table. “Good game, guys.”
By then, a couple more bills were on the deck. Some refilled their glasses and lit another butt. Daniel, who had drowned three Millers before we started, opened a fourth. He took a long draw from his butt, and the sickly sweet scent of tobacco filled the air.
“Your call, Miles,” he said again, this time between heavy breaths.
Across from me, a guy with crisp ash blond hair and teal eyes laid out an ace. The game began.
“Lay off, Danny,” he said. “Try closing this one up and starting dry.”
It wasn’t that he had lost. Daniel could take a loss. Games didn’t get to him the way it did some of the other guys.
  





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556 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 37146
Reviews: 556
Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:29 pm
ziggiefred says...



Hello there :)
So on the bright side, your writing is really good. Like I was honestly enjoying your effortless flow of words and how you described certain things. However, this as a whole to me does not seem complete....oh wait, I just noticed your title! :lol:
Well, in that case, this is really good. I like the angle you're taking and it sounds interesting. ;)

Keep writing and good luck!
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!
  





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58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 803
Reviews: 58
Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:04 am
spinelli says...



Well, there's really very little I can say negatively about this. As mentioned before, the first thing I could consider was the apparent ease of your writing! It doesn't give the impression that you struggled with the words or the flow at all, which is a wonderful thing because readers can always pick up on that. I see that this is only the beginning, and at this rate, you could have a really solid voice as it goes on. I think the setting is interesting, and it isn't an overwhelming exposition which can get annoying if the reader gets bombarded with too many details. It's just very short, so keep the words flowing, and write regardless of how you might feel about how it goes. Sounds like an interesting piece.
  





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127 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8947
Reviews: 127
Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:30 pm
Cotton says...



hi there :) I love the shortness of this, but I think you could put more in this - I just feel there's not quite enough to draw me in and really do that. I'm interested, but not yet hooked - so put in some more hints/beginnings to questions that the reader should then start wanting to answer - things like, "why are they here?" (more of this), "why?" - I got that this was a regular thing, possibly, but little else. Give me more details - there was some in there and they were ACE. GIVE ME MORE!!

Ha ha, but yes your writing style is sound. Grammatically, punctuation-ally - wonderful. Leaving me without my usual job ... thanks xD I might however make some personal, stylistic suggestions.

At my right, Daniel Aulone pushed his palms against the rim of the table and leaned back in his chair.

How about "On my right" ? "At" feeled a little... odd. Unless that was what you were going for, of course... :D

We had played the kind of spades where it didn’t matter if you were in 3rd or 4th place, as long as you could spectate.

This is just my personal view, but I would write "third or fourth" - I don't think it really matters, but it looks more smarter :P

So yeah. Nice, nice nice. I want MORE! Put some more in here, then write some more and let me know :D :D

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  








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