Young Writers Society

Where I can be me.

Silence.

My ears are brimming with it as I clamber out onto the roof. I ease myself down, tucking my hands under the buffet of colour that is my skirt. I clutch the window until I'm brave enough to let go, then I lift up my head and turn to the stars. They are like fairy lights, twinkling against a sea of black, radiating a warm, cheery glow. There's something about them, something that makes me stare at them endlessly, like I'll never stop. I sink back into the darkness and take deep breaths, in and out.
Everything is so still, so quiet yet very much alive. The trees sway, letting me know I'm not alone, that I don't have to handle all of this on my own. The hum of the crickets and the soft, distant chirp of birds make up this place. They make me.

Peace.

I'm swimming in it, floating on a bed of it. I can't get away from it. And here is the only place I know of it. Because nobody knows of this little place on the roof. The only place that I can get away, the place that I can become me, not the teenager that wears her jeans too tight, or the kid that walks with a swagger. I can be a little girl again. I can dream, I can pretend I believe in magic. I can believe that the birds are my friends, that all of us, the world and I, that we are friends. That we are one. Peace is part of me when I am here, like I've never known of hate or stress. I swallow and close my eyes, drowning in childish dreams, hopes and fantasies.

Freedom

Looking around me, I'm surrounded by the world. Lights flicker on and off, making their own music and patterns as they change. Doors shut, eyes close and I'm alone again. Apart from the world. I shiver and rub the frozen skin that is displayed from the lack of clothing on my ridiculously bare legs. It's late and I know that soon I'll have to go back inside, to the rush of stress, and the mask I wear to cover up my feelings. Because nobody knows that the minute I push open my window and feel the rush of air kiss my face; nobody knows that is when I open my door to freedom. Every time I step out onto the roof and peer down at the world below, that is when I close my door to reality. And every time I close my eyes that is when I open the door to silence, where I dance with the fullness of it all. Where I can be me. Where I can pretend. Where I can shut out anything and everything.

Here I am as requested
I have to say I really like this piece, you have a lot of good imagery stuck in there and the MC has a nice way of telling the story.
As with all pieces that I read though, I have nitpicks. There are only a few of them but here they are:

Kagi wrote:I clutch the window until I'm brave enough to let go, then I lift up my head and turn to the stars.

This could be me being a bit slow, as I'm often prone to that but I'm finding this hard to picture. Is your character stood on something and holding on, or knelt beside it? I'm not getting a clear sense of where they are at this point and I think you need to expand.

Kagi wrote:I can dream, I can pretend I believe in magic.

I think an example is needed here.
As for the ending do you mind if I make a little suggestion? I think it would have far more impact if you ended on just on word on it's own like you have done with freedom and peace.
That's just an opinion though.
Overall - great job! It was lovely to read and I really enjoyed it

Aw. This is very poignant!

Is it autobiographical? I actually scrolled up to see what forum you'd posted it in...I'm not a huge fan of genre pigeonholing, but I did get a strong "personal essay" vibe while reading. I think the piece works very well under that umbrella, even if it is totally fictional.

Since it's short, I'll do a couple of technical nitpicks:

I ease myself down, tucking my hands under the buffet of colour that is my skirt.

The wording of this tripped me up...what about: tucking my hands under my skirt's buffet of color or even more simply tucking my hands under my skirt ?

I can believe that the birds are my friends, that all of us, the world and I, that we are friends.

I like the implication of this, but I was confused in the execution. You say all of us but the next provided example is the world, which is a singular entity. I think I missed a third median relation in between the birds and the world at large-- all humans, maybe? Everything the narrator can see from the roof?

Freedom

It might just be a typo (in which case I apologize for wasting review space commenting upon it) but I missed the period here so that freedom mirrors silence. and peace.

More generally but still in the same vein is that, there was a discrepancy in between the freedom description and the first two-- when the narrator discussed silence and peace, she commented directly upon the subject: my ears are brimming with it and I'm swimming in it. Freedom was discussed less directly. I personally liked the style of the first two better.

I really liked

The only place that I can get away, the place that I can become me, not the teenager that wears her jeans too tight, or the kid that walks with a swagger.

and I think that if you expanded the piece I would like to hear more details like that out of the narrator. We know that she's a teenager and a girl and hearkening back towards childhood and magic, but we don't get to know why. I wanted to know what magic meant to her (since the meaning of it can be individualized for anybody) and I wanted to knwo more about the pressures of daily life that had her craving silence and piece. Details like that would help characterize the narrator, which in turn would make it easier for your audience to understand her point of view and feel for her.

I really liked the mentioning of both the jeans and the skirt as if they represented different things, and I think you did an awesome job of characterizing the roof as the special place where she is able to access this sense of freedom.

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions.

Quasi

Silence. Interesting, but it's not unique. I've heard it somewhere before.

My ears are brimming with it as I clamber out onto the roof. Kinda strange, cause the first sentence implies such gravity I'm expecting the next few sentences to live up to it. This one feels kinda flippant compared to the first sentence. I ease myself down, tucking my hands under the buffet of colour that is my skirt. Last bit sounds as if it's trying too hard. I clutch the window until I'm brave enough to let go, then I lift up my head and turn to the stars. They are like fairy lights, twinkling against a sea of black, radiating a warm, cheery glow. Mmmh. I'm still not too sure what's going on here, or what your MC wants. There's something about them, something that makes me stare at them endlessly, like I'll never stop. I sink back into the darkness Taking what you said about the sky into consideration, this sounds as if she leans back and lets herself fall from the roof. oo" and take deep breaths, in and out.

Everything is so still, so quiet yet very much alive. The trees sway, letting me know I'm not alone, that I don't have to handle all of this on my own. The hum of the crickets and the soft, distant chirp of birds make up this place. They make me. Mmmrh. Still no idea of where this is going. oo

Peace.

I'm swimming in it, floating on a bed of it. I can't get away from it. And here is the only place I know of it. Because nobody knows of this little place on the roof. This is more of a drabble, isn't it? The only place that I can get away, the place that I can become me, not the teenager that wears her jeans too tight, or the kid that walks with a swagger. I can be a little girl again. I can dream, I can pretend I believe in magic. I can believe that the birds are my friends, that all of us, the world and I, that we are friends. That we are one. Peace is part of me when I am here, like I've never known of hate or stress. I swallow and close my eyes, drowning in childish dreams, hopes and fantasies.

Freedom

Looking around me, I'm surrounded by the world. Lights flicker on and off, making their own music and patterns as they change. Doors shut, eyes close and I'm alone again. Someone came out with her? Apart from the world. I shiver and rub the frozen skin that is displayed from the lack of clothing on my ridiculously bare legs. Awkward. It's late and I know that soon I'll have to go back inside, to the rush of stress, and the mask I wear to cover up my feelings. Because nobody knows that the minute I push open my window and feel the rush of air kiss my face; nobody knows that is when I open my door to freedom. Every time I step out onto the roof and peer down at the world below, that is when I close my door to reality. And every time I close my eyes that is when I open the door to silence, where I dance with the fullness of it all. Where I can be me. Where I can pretend. Where I can shut out anything and everything.

Mmmkay. So I'm going to post my comments on this. My eyes kind of glazed through around halfway through the piece cause I got bored, so I probably missed a lot of things there (especially since I caught myself scanning when I hit the second part as well). It feels a little repetitive.

There isn't much in the way of voice, to be honest. In a first person narrative, voice is very important. I get the feeling you're going for a dreamy, sort of out-of-this-world vibe, but you haven't quite achieved it yet. There's a hint of voice, which is good, but it's not enough. For a first person narrative to hold itself together, you need to have a strong voice that compels people to keep reading. Try shuffling the sentences and stuff. Right now it's a bit strange because it's somewhat stiff and the bad flow isn't conducive to achieving he daydream feel you seem to be heading with this.

Next, there isn't really anything here. If it's an essay, then it certainly doesn't belong in short stories. ^^" If it's a short story, then there isn't much in the way of plot. This seems to be more of an exercise in description than anything else. In order for it to be a short story, it needs a character, a plot, and a setting. You have a character and a setting, but no plot, which leaves you in the dark.

Before you tell me that, "The story is about a girl enjoying the night sky on her roof," is a plot, don't. It's not a plot. It's a theme. A plot is a series of related events, each one probably triggered by the one before it. To have a plot, your MC must be in some way dissatisfied. He or she must want something, and there must be a complication. Why can't he immediately go out and get it? Your MC doesn't seem to want anything here. She's contented, which is kind of a problem when it comes to the fact that you need a plot. There cannot be a plot if nothing upsets the main character.

This is nothing too special, to be honest, and it's kind of a collection of thoughts instead of a short story. You'll want to overhaul it if you want to keep it a short story, or you could just realize it's an essay and maybe change the voice a little bit so it's a bit more compelling. :3

Hope this helped!

Sincerely,

Octave

Hey Kagi! Here, as requested.

Okay, I'm going to have to agree with the others that this seemed kind of essay-ish. To me it felt like there wasn't much going on that felt like fiction. Which is where Octave's advice comes in. If this is in fiction, we need a plot and we need your character to have something going on that puts her out on the roof. She seems like she's out there randomly if she doesn't explain what's going on. So essentially, you need to get a plot in there somewhere. Other than that I thought it was good! You've got some pretty vivid descriptions in there that make for good imagery. I also liked the idea you were going for with the girl on the roof trying to escape her reality. We just don't have anything to go off of for her story. All in all though I liked it a lot. Let me know if you need anymore reviews done!

Cheers,
Luxe

...And so, I finally have arrived. Apologies for the delay!

I'm not going to do any nit-picks (because other people seem to have picked at it pretty well) but I will suggest that you put a period after the italicized "Freedom." You put one after "Silence" and "Peace" so I'm assuming not having one after "Freedom" is just a typo.

Quasi wrote:Is it autobiographical? I actually scrolled up to see what forum you'd posted it in...I'm not a huge fan of genre pigeonholing, but I did get a strong "personal essay" vibe while reading. I think the piece works very well under that umbrella, even if it is totally fictional.

I did exactly the same thing. Regardless of whether it actually is autobiographical or not, it comes off that way. It feels very from-the-heart and genuine. The emotions are shown in a way that makes me feel them, because they seem very real. Good job with setting the mood--you have definitely done that. I also like the way you revealed slowly what this place is, so we got the emotional side of it before the physical. It worked very nicely, methinks.

All in all, I'm really not sure what I can say about this because it doesn't feel complete to me. Yes, you did a lovely job of setting a mood... but that's about it. I'm not one of those people who thinks a piece has to have some traditional sense of conflict in order to be interesting, but I do think that a piece needs to have more than just one element to it. Right now, you've got the mood-element, but I don't really get any sense of plot or context or even character.

I don't actually think I'd classify this as a short story, because it doesn't really tell a story. It's just sort of an excerpt, a piece of writing that's more like an hors d'œuvre than a meal. There's nothing really wrong with this, it's just making it a little hard for me to review it because I have to keep myself from thinking of it as something it's not.

However, even if it's not trying to be a short story, I still think you need some contrast. Right now, the piece is monotonous--like Octave said, it gets a little boring after a while. And I don't think that's because it's poorly written; it's just because the voice stays the same throughout. There aren't moments of suspense or surprise or anything like that--it's just removed and peaceful and self-absorbed. And it stays that way the whole time.

I'm tempted to suggest that you either make this much shorter (by condensing it down to just the bare essentials) or a bit longer (by adding some contrasting elements). As it is now, it's painting a nice picture but other than that I'm not all that clear on what you're actually trying to accomplish. What doe you want readers to get out of this piece, other than a general mood? If that's all you want readers to walk away with, then I definitely think you should pare it down so it doesn't drag--but if there's something else that you want to convey (some plot or metaphor or character or hidden meaning) then I think you should extend it. I think what this piece really needs is for you to focus hard on what you want to portray, and then do everything in your power to portray it.

I think this piece is really nice and it has a lot of great potentials, but it's just at that point where you need to decide what exactly you want to do with it. Of course, feel free to let me know if you have any questions or need anything! I'd love to help, and you know how to find me. :}

I hope this helps somewhat.

a

Hi Kagi, thanks for the request and I'm sorry for taking so long to get to this but I'm here now.
Also, it seems like you've already got some great reviews so I'm not quite sure how much I'll be able to help you.

Okay so let's begin with the first part of this, I guess that's the 'silent' part. I think you're trying to explain silence in a sort of way, or make it seem more powerful in another way. All in all, I can see the aspect of silence in the beginning and the use of it. I really did like the part of about the stars, that was the part that stuck out to me the most because it was nicely written and I could relate to it.

My only nitpick about this was the ending paragraph. I'm not exactly sure how swaying trees can make someone feel less alone, let along crickets and birds. In fact, those noises would probably make me feel more alone if you think about it.

Now if we look at the second block of this piece we have peace. Again, you do a nice job explaining it but there are still a few ups and down of it which could probably be worked on a little better. For example the first sentence is kind of weird since you're explaining it twice but both the explanations of her being in peace aren't even similar. Swimming and floating on a bed aren't two of the same. Don't look at this too much, it could just be me and the way I like to look at things but the explanations were a bit more similar, I think I would've liked it a little better.

I really like this part of the piece though, explaining how she believes that everything is one and the pressure of the world just drops of your shoulders and you're just here, admiring and believing, dreaming and seeing things you don't see when you're in "real life". I suppose, anyway it was quite touching. :3

Now we move on to the last bit of this which is freedom. The second sentence:

Lights flicker on and off, making their own music and patterns as they change. Doors shut, eyes close and I'm alone again

This one probably needs some reworking in my mind.
You say the lights flicker on and off but how do they make music and patterns, also changes? I think you were trying to explain something else but I don't know what that is.
I was going to say something about the second sentence but I forgot what it was. :/

Now, for the ending of this it was good, the whole thing was being put together nicely and I saw the pieces come together however just when I thought I was going to get the most and then you shut it off quite quickly. I think the ending should be given more love because it ended kind of quickly for me. You explained silence in there and freedom but the peace was left out I think, wait - no it wasn't. xD

Anyway, it was good and I did enjoy reading this. It was sweet, and easy to connect to.
You did a great job using the window and roof as symbols of opening and looking down at reality and the stress of real life situations and the pressure that the world puts on you. It'd be nice if you could work in something about how the world is beautiful yet cruel in it's own way.

Overall, this was good. Yes, I said that before but I liked it!
Thanks for the good read and let me know if you need anything else. I'm a quick PM away. ^^

-Shear

Very nice story. I am a very visual thinker, and you put so many images into my head. Your details were great. Though, I must say, the story is kind of random. Is there a real story behind it as in, something that happened to you in real life? Anyway, it is a very nice piece, I enjoyed it. It was a very good break from the usual stuff on here. Thank you for posting this. Good luck with your future writings. May you be shielded from Writer's Block. I do suggest making it a bit longer, though because on second reading, I detected a bit of rushing, like you were trying to fit your story into a certain amount of words. Expand your story, let it grow, see how long you can make it, in my mind, there is no such thing as too long of a story, only too short.

Hello.
It read smoothly and my mind filled with images of a teenage girl escaping to her roof. Although I don't climb onto my roof, I connect with the girl. I see what she sees on the roof--lights turning on and off in the neighborhood, for example. You had good imagery without going into too much detail. I prefer it that way. However, there were two descriptions that you might want to reconsider.

My ears are brimming with it as I clamber out onto the roof.

Her ears are brimming with silence? Hmm....It's interesting, but I don't know if it works here. If I read it correctly, the girl escapes to the roof seeking silence. When she's in her room, climbing out onto the roof, her ears may be brimming with other noises such as arguing parents or mocking teens. She hurries onto the roof and escapes her house (and arguing parents) and then starts to "forget" about the day (and mocking teens).
Alternatively, you could say My ears are craving it as I clamber out onto the roof. That way, you wouldn't have to explain the noises she's heard that she wants to escape.

I shiver and rub the frozen skin that is displayed from the lack of clothing on my ridiculously bare legs.

Reading it, this feels awkward. Most of your sentences are short or have commas where the reader naturally pauses a little. Because this sentence isn't like that, it stood out. I also feel that a simpler sentence might get the point across better; I shiver and rub my ridiculously bare legs. The reader does not need to be told that there is a lack of clothing and has bare legs. One is implied by the other.

The buffet of colour that is my skirt, the teenager that wears her jeans too tight, the rush of air kiss my face...These are beautiful images. Most of us can relate to these simple images. We can relate to your entire description of the girl on the roof. Very nice.

MM

Wow
What struck me most here is the pace with which you've written.
And it still works and flows excellently
This kind of creative writing usually gets me bored by the second paragraph ---- BUUUUT!!!!!
This piece definitely spoke to me in an usual way, as I'm sure it would to many people. The contrasting was interesting... You've written with simplicity, and it's still very emotional and complicated in it's own way.
It kind of felt dreamy, and scarily accurate at the same time...


Dude! Do you know what this means?


You're ONE amazing writer. Well done.